Unhinged

by Vera Valentine

“And…well, there’s a pretty decent chance you may be, you know, my son. Of sorts. See, a lot of things happened in that grove and there was this perfectly-positioned knothole on this really sexy tree and the mead was flowing freely-”

“I have no name but yours, Tana. I am your faithful guardian and protector, nothing more, nothing less. I am your door, and I love you.”

“My…door? I don’t understand.

As I watched in horror, Randall emptied the entire pill bottle into the juice, recapping it and giving it a vigorous shake before setting it back in the fridge.

If I hadn’t already been made of wood, I’d be stiff as a board at the sight.

“But, I mean, it can’t hurt anything, right? I mean, women fuck cucumbers and bedposts and balloons and shit. This isn’t that weird, right?”

Wrapping my round brass protrusion in a soft cloth and a firm grip, she started polishing my knob with slow, smooth strokes that stirred something deep in my

wood.

“Okay. Well. If I’m gonna do something crazy and stupid, I’d rather keep it between us and not bring the ER into things.”

I’m taking your cameo in my recurring nightmare as consent, but if I’m wrong…I dunno, like, jiggle in your frame or something.”

“It’s not that I think you’re gonna knock me up with little, uh, trapdoors, or something, it’s that I only trust lysol so much and doorknobs are kinda germ magnets. No offense. Hopefully that doesn’t fuck with the mojo but I don’t need to explain a UTI from this.”

“But why are they made like that? Why should you pay more for smaller, flimsy things because you’re a woman? That seems silly to me.”

“If it’s alright with you, I’ll clean off your headboard and all the dresser tops, too. I don’t ever want you to feel violated or afraid in your own home.”

Something about being called a good door made my human legs feel weak and shaky.

“My Beautiful Tana, how I’ve missed you. I’d die for you a thousand times to live this moment.”

“The Gods have spoken, I have a beautiful girl to take to dinner.”