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Once, I got carried away by the press of her breasts as she rose on tiptoe to look through the peephole, her t-shirt whispering against my flat back. Try as I might, I couldn’t hold back my deadbolt, which slid free with excitement at the touch of her soft cheek.
See, a lot of things happened in that grove and there was this perfectly-positioned knothole on this really sexy tree and the mead was flowing freely-” he gestured in a rolling circle with his hand. “You get the point.”
The most Zeus thing I’ve ever fucking heard 😂
“Why do you seem so familiar? Who are you?”
“I have no name but yours, Tana. I am your faithful guardian and protector, nothing more, nothing less. I am your door, and I love you.”
In the way you are with your shivering blue stick.”
“Because I didn’t realize my goddamn front door was a voyeur, dude!”
Are you all freaky pressboard pervs?”
As I watched in horror, Randall emptied the entire pill bottle into the juice, recapping it and giving it a vigorous shake before setting it back in the fridge.
If I hadn’t already been made of wood, I’d be stiff as a board at the sight.
Well, I’m either about to get more kinky than I ever thought I could, or I’m kissing not-a-frog with not-my-lips and breaking some kinda weird curse.”
“It’s not that I think you’re gonna knock me up with little, uh, trapdoors, or something, it’s that I only trust lysol so much
everything was just so…fleshy.
Yours, I thought, before the question really sunk in. Right, a name. Humans had those. I didn’t.
She was the most beautiful human I’d ever seen, and if I’d been in love with her before, I was entirely smitten now.
My shockingly-attractive door has come to life after I fucked him, vowing to protect me against my murderous panty-sniffing super that broke in and poisoned my orange juice.
I knew it was ridiculous, but it made me a little jealous - I didn’t want a replacement she could fuck, even theoretically.
“There. You can wear this out instead of causing property damage from all these thirsty retirees.”
A red-faced woman, unable to meet our eyes, hastily backed her cart away from the point of collision and took off in the opposite direction.
Something about being called a good door made my human legs feel weak and shaky.
He had a gun.
How tf does the door know what a gun is 🥴
“I was wrecked, Drys. I wanted you back,
I couldn’t help but thrust back up, my rigid body vibrating
He’s still a door at this point
Randall had nearly died from head trauma the night he shot me and I fell on him - I was solid oak, after all - but had pulled through enough to face trial and spend the rest of his life in prison.
Kinda glad about that, honestly - I’m a fan of your knob.”
“Tell him dad sent you, and take good care of that beautiful girl!”
