Unhinged

by Vera Valentine

“So. Hera has told me I must make some….amends…for my affairs. Personally, I think she’s being oversensitive, but women, right? You fuck one girl as a weather event, or a bird, or her own husband and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy.”

“And…well, there’s a pretty decent chance you may be, you know, my son. Of sorts. See, a lot of things happened in that grove and there was this perfectly-positioned knothole on this really sexy tree and the mead was flowing freely-” he gestured in a rolling circle with his hand. “You get the point.”

“I have no name but yours, Tana. I am your faithful guardian and protector, nothing more, nothing less. I am your door, and I love you.”

“Well, looks like I’m just kinky, you’re still a door. Damn, I am way more kinky than I thought I was. God that was good, though. Screw it, I’m going to eat more of those fuckin popsicles before bed.”

Tana stared at me with a slack jawed expression and - was that a spatula? - clutched in her hand like a weapon.

“Also, where the fuck is my DOOR?

I nodded at the empty space. “Well, uh, is there a place where people…buy doors?”

Human life was proving to be confusing and awkward, while being a door had been fairly straightforward.

I was a good boy.