Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength (Reduce Anxiety and Boost Your Confidence and Self-Esteem with this Self-Help Book for Introverted Women and Men)

by Laurie A. Helgoe

I’ve come to see the mosh pit as an apt description of American society—and of my childhood home.

I became anxious because I couldn’t think, and, without my own mind, I felt like I was disintegrating.

I had befriended my introversion and was transported by its power.

Here’s a well-kept secret: introversion is not defined by lack. Introversion, when embraced, is a wellspring of riches.

introverts are naturally more attracted to the world of concepts, ideas, and inner experiences, whereas extroverts prefer to focus on the outer world.

When a culture devalues introversion, we lose access to a vital life source, and we all end up feeling a little sick.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Introverts generally prefer a rich inner life to an expansive social life; we would rather talk intimately with a close friend than share stories with

a group; and we prefer to develop our ideas internally rather than interactively.

Your nature is not the problem. The problem is that you have become alienated from your nature—from your power source.

the understanding deepens during the time between conversations.

Introverts retreat from the crowd because they crave solitude; shy people stay on the fringes because they don’t know how to get in. So, being an introvert does not mean you’re antisocial, asocial, socially inept, or shy. It does mean that you are oriented to ideas—whether those ideas involve you with people or not. It means that you prefer spacious interactions with fewer people. And it means that, when you converse, you are more interested in sharing thoughts than in talking about people and what they’re doing.

But when an introvert is hanging out with a friend, sharing reflections, he is in his element. The conversation is “mind to mind” rather than “mouth to mouth.”

A good conversation leaves an introvert feeling more connected, but also personally richer.

Introverts need more between time—between words in a conversation and between conversations—because the interaction is located within.

Whether we like hanging out in fantasy, spiritual contemplation, mental investigation, artistic creation, or wilderness exploration, we may seem different, out of touch, or just weird.

First, introverts are higher users of mental health services. Why? They like looking inside! For many introverts, therapy is attractive and exciting. They are not afraid of what they’ll find—they’re already familiar with the territory.

HSPs are more likely than non-HSPs to pick up on subtle cues in the environment, including what others are thinking and feeling. This creates a good news-bad news prognosis for HSPs: if they are raised in stressful environments, they are more likely than non-HSPs to develop anxiety and depression. If, however, they are raised in supportive and enriching environments, research shows that they turn out better adjusted and more socially skilled than non-HSPs!

If a child stays quiet in the context of extroverted friends, or even prefers time alone, a parent may worry and even send her to therapy. She might be thrilled—she’ll finally get to talk about the stuff she cares about, and without interruption! But if the therapist concludes that the child has a social phobia, the treatment of choice is to increasingly expose her to the situations she fears. This behavioral treatment is effective for treating phobias—if that is truly the problem. If it’s not the problem, and the child just likes hanging out inside better than chatting, she’ll have a problem soon. Her “illness” now will be an internalized self-reproach: “Why don’t I enjoy this like everyone else?” The otherwise carefree child learns that something is wrong with her. She not only is pulled away from her home, she is supposed to like it. Now she is anxious and unhappy, confirming the suspicion that she has a problem.

What constitutes an introvert is quite simple. We are a vastly diverse group of people who prefer to look at life from the inside out. We gain energy and power through inner reflection, and get more excited by ideas than by external activities. When we converse, we listen well and expect others to do the same. We think first and talk later. Writing appeals to us because we can express ourselves without intrusion, and we often prefer communicating this way. Even our brains look different than those of extroverts.

As much as introverts may be misunderstood or devalued, people are drawn to the richness we conceal and enjoy the products we create in our “tents.” The reclusive songwriter entertains through the computer audio system developed by introverts. Voices of introverts speak through books so varied we can be entertained by just looking at the titles in a bookstore. Introverts make us think and ask questions.

“Where it’s at” for the introvert is in the expansive space of solitude. This is where the introvert is fed, calmed, moved, and inspired.

Solitude is not lack. As understood by Taoist practitioners, solitude is a “fertile void,” an open door to a world overflowing with possibilities.

Is it any wonder that anxiety disorders have become the common cold of American life? We live much of our lives in panic mode, grasping for more without considering why. We’re like children running into the streets to grab the candy thrown from the parade float, only to realize that the cheap morsels taste funny.

The introvert is not a minority; at least half of us are on a similar plane. Half of us get worn out when we are around people for too long. Half of us are bored—some, to tears—by gossip. Half of us get an energy boost from reflective time.

want someone who will give me a lot of room, someone who will allow me to be alone as we’re together. And I’m willing to risk being alone, by myself, if the alternative means compromising my inner process. Perhaps that’s what being “by myself” means: to stick with me, stay by me and all I am experiencing. I have come to realize what a strength that is, that loyalty to my inner process.

The Socially Accessible introvert looks like an extrovert on the outside and sees extroversion as a bar that he or she can never quite reach.

Don’t get me wrong—we like people. We just like them one or two at a time, with space in between.

As introverts, we have a greater tolerance for the contents of the mind. Some of us see into other worlds; some of us see inside patterns and equations; some of us access spiritual truths. But if any of us are weird, we all are.

After all, we like being alone. Correction: we like being introverted. Yes, we do have the need for solitude, and we enjoy time alone, but we also like to be introverted in more public settings, and we relate in our own way. We enjoy a different conversational pace than extroverts, namely, one that allows people to think. We are moved by ideas and make connections through shared interests. Half of us love the comfort of hanging out when there’s no pressure to talk. Half.

The best indicators of introversion are very subtle: a concentrating expression, a tendency to look off at nothing in particular—indicators that the person is thinking.

And that image turns on us. In her book Blubberland: The Dangers of Happiness, architect and commentator Elizabeth Farrelly observes: “That Western culture’s happiness-addiction has burgeoned in direct parallel with its depression epidemic is as obvious as it is ironic, just as thin-worship has grown in direct parallel with the obesity epidemic.”

Introverts are, by nature, travelers. Whether you use the vehicle of literature, cinema, the Internet, the open road, or the limitless sky, you have probably visited many worlds.

Everyone is responsible for making things work.

Here is the paradox of introversion in society: individualism gives each of us a voice, but excesses of individualism result in a cacophony of voices, allowing only the loudest to be heard. So how do we remain individuals and introverts too?

Feelings of desire come up multiple times a day, but we often cover them over before we recognize them. You may want to keep a Desire Notebook. Putting your wishes in writing makes them visible and tangible, and helps you notice emerging themes.

For an introvert, retreating is the ultimate indulgence: an inner life binge that fills our depleted energy stores. Retreats, whether contemplative or adventure-oriented, provide a sanctioned and temporary way for us to step away from our worldly pursuits. This stepping away provides a perspective that we cannot obtain while in the midst of things.

What is your vision of the perfect retreat setting? Give yourself time to look around in your mind’s eye. Take it in. Spend as much time as you wish. What do you see as you look around? What smells do you notice? What are the sounds around you? What is the temperature? What feelings do you have in this place?

If you want rustic, you’ll need to decide if you want a “catered” rustic experience, with outfitters and guides providing gear, meals, and possibly transportation. A nice option for many is a rustic cabin with the essentials or a B&B in a natural setting. Some introverts prefer an outdoor “room” under the stars and others prefer a cushy bed with books strewn about. If you want something different, rent a tree house, houseboat, or yurt—the modern version of the nomadic tent.

As with the five items for your room, consider the five essential resources for your retreat.

The paradox is, when I travel and am assured anonymity, I feel friendlier. I enjoy my exchanges with the shop owners and even welcome a greeting from someone setting up a laptop nearby. But, really, this makes sense. An introvert just needs time and space, and interaction occurs more spontaneously. But because we get so little time and space, we spend more time defending our boundaries than we do reaching beyond them.

“Only when we can be guaranteed anonymity, can we take our masks off and bare our souls. When we are no one, we become who we are.”

The invisibility fantasy is a popular one for introverts because it allows the possibility of pure observation.