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September 12 - September 21, 2022
The paradox is, when I travel and am assured anonymity, I feel friendlier.
An introvert just needs time and space, and interaction occurs more spontaneously. But because we get so little time and space, we spend more time defending our boundaries than we do reaching beyond them.
Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people. We want less—and more: less talk, more understanding.
if you’re an introvert, putting what’s out there before what’s inside is a formula for disappointment: your best stuff stays inside, your energy runs out after the initial introductions, you limit your options, you get discouraged, and, all the while, you’re not having fun.
intimacy was defined as closeness to another person’s thinking.
what is it inside you that you want known? What kind of inner life are you looking for in someone else?
create the conditions for a meeting of minds.
Whatever kind of introvert you are, some people will find you “too much” in some ways and “not enough” in others. You may be considered too intense or not enough into socializing. And when you are seen this way, it hurts. And you question yourself. That’s normal.
We know we’re not going anywhere and that our closeness is the ultimate goal.
Ask questions you don’t know the answer to—i.e., “When did you first know you wanted to teach?” Ask for personal definitions—i.e., “Help me understand. When you say the film was ‘dark,’ what does that mean to you?” Observe. Notice how it’s going. Allow silence. Don’t try too hard.
Being authentically introverted in relationships may feel weird at first. That’s because, in our society, we equate relating with being extroverted.
The extrovert just assumes the introvert had nothing to say and moves on.
even the most reserved introverts can become extreme talkers in therapy.
These extroverts often ask direct and specific questions, moving the interaction along in a rhythmic fashion. The introvert, who prefers open-ended questions, may dutifully answer the extrovert—the path of least resistance—while becoming increasingly frustrated and bored. Though the extrovert may feel she’s getting to know the introvert, the introvert can easily feel bypassed.
the extrovert’s good stuff is right out where you can see it—so no wonder she assumes the same of the introvert.
Let’s consider the example of you and your partner: he or she brings a specific set of assumptions to the conversation. Your partner assumes something is wrong, and that he or she has a solution. Because you haven’t had a chance to think about it, and it sounds pretty good, you go along with it. But then you find yourself, and your partner finds you, not following through on the solution. You and your partner both conclude that you are neglectful or inadequate, or both. But, more likely, you haven’t really bought in to your partner’s way of thinking, and this is why you aren’t following
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“At every party there are two kinds of people—those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” —Ann Landers
If you cringe at the idea of going, avoid the long detour home that is the party, and say “no.” Yes, you’ll miss out. You’ll miss having to meet people you’ll never talk to again. You’ll miss being cornered by the party’s extreme talker. You’ll miss working overtime without pay. And you’ll miss out on the alienation and self-reproach
The fewer people you know, the more oppressive the party will be. And even if you know people, do you know them well enough to cut past the preliminaries?
Introverts tend to internalize problems. In other words, we place the source of problems within and blame ourselves. Though introverts may also externalize and see others as the problem, it’s more convenient to keep the problem “in house.” Internalizers tend to be reliable and responsible, but we can also be very hard on ourselves. And we can be wrong about ourselves.
As an introvert, you can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. The good news is we generally like our own company, a quality that extroverts often envy. We find comfort in solitude, and we usually know how to soothe ourselves. Even our willingness to look at ourselves critically is often helpful. But, we can go too far. We can hoard responsibility and overlook the role others play. We can kick ourselves when we’re down. How many times have you felt lousy about something, only to get mad at yourself for feeling lousy?
Practice being kind to yourself. Lovingly observe your way of being in the world. See the wisdom in your pace, your manner, and your choices—even the bad choices. It’s fine to want to change some things, but change is easier from a position of acceptance. Treat yourself with respect.
If you pay attention, you can probably tell when the air inside is getting stale. You feel mentally stuck, bored with your own thinking, or overwhelmed by the intensity within. Ironically, these may be the very times you feel immobilized. The introvert preference for “figuring it out” keeps you locked inside.
notice when solitude feels generative and when it feels confining. Do you want to be here, or are you just stuck in your thoughts?
When I work at home for too long, I can start to get “me overload": everything in my view reflects me, my thoughts reverberate in the space, and familiarity lulls me into complacency. That’s my cue to pack my computer and find new scenery.
remind me of life sources beyond my own head.
If comfort becomes a prison and you have trouble breaking out, remember how sweet it is to return to solitude after engaging with the outside world. Contrast refreshes what we love.
In an introvert-extrovert relationship, the introvert often sees the extrovert as selfish in conversations—interrupting or too easily responding with her own comments.
“The person whose company I enjoy more than anyone’s is my own.”
Introverts are drawn to mystery, complex ideas, and inner realities. If extroverts seek stimulation, introverts seek to be absorbed, to be fascinated. And, as we succeed in this endeavor, we become fascinating!
When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert.
When we allow the natural specialty of introversion to lead, we not only expand our power, we experience fulfillment and satisfaction. Once satisfied, once we master the art of introversion, we might want to see what else is out there.
we are attracted to the people we need in order to grow. These people hold parts of ourselves we are not yet ready to integrate.
everything you detest in others will come back and kick you in the butt—if you’re lucky. It is good to define yourself, and it is good to know when it’s time to break out of the definition and get bigger.
Really indulge in introversion, and you’re likely to crave a little extra—extroversion, that is. You’ll experience that movement of yin into yang. Consider, for example, traveling by yourself, far away from familiar faces, others divinely indifferent to you. Chances are you’ll eventually find yourself open to and even initiating exchanges with strangers. Because contact is optional, it flows out of you—it’s natural, easy, and probably quite pleasurable.
Ignore “should"; follow “want.” The word “should” is a good indication that somebody else’s standards are involved. “Want” is within you, and is the seed of change.
Know when you’re stuck. Boredom is a clue. Addiction is a clue. Low energy is a big clue. Real desire promotes flow and expands you.
You may feel compelled to stay locked behind your computer even though you are miserable there and all life has been sucked out of the activity. This is not desire; this is avoidance, a response to fear.
integrating opposites within the personality not only brings a person closer to wholeness, but frees up life energy. The more a person is able to tolerate paradox in search of truth, the less energy will be spent defending a rigid position.
for introverted devotees, the pit is not about violence: it is a place to let go, to relinquish ego, and to meld with the mob.
“It is in your power to withdraw into yourself whenever you desire. Perfect tranquility within consists in the good ordering of the mind,—the realm of your own.”
Instead of looking in the mirror and putting on a perky smile, look in the mirror as you contemplate. Get an idea of what you look like and feel like on the outside as you listen for what is inside. Are you taking your inside outside, or are you wearing an extrovert costume? What does your “inner wardrobe” look like? What would it mean to take your comfort with you?
Act as if you’ve got all day.
Isn’t it refreshing to know that what comes perfectly natural for you is your greatest strength? Your power is in your nature.
