How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

The big-baby pivot Give everyone you meet the Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 per cent toward New Person shouts ‘I think you are very, very special.’

Technique 6: Hello old friend When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.

Technique 7: Limit the fidget Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing. If

Hans’s horse sense Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.

Technique 9: Watch the scene before you make the scene Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. See yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. Hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. Feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. Visualize yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.

Technique 10: Make a mood match Before opening your mouth, take a ‘voice sample’ of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a ‘psychic photograph’ of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.

Technique 11: Prosaic with passion Worried about your first words? Fear not, since 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanour, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.

Technique 12: Always wear a Whatzit

Technique 13: Whoozat? Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.

Technique 14: Eavesdrop in No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear …’ Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!

Technique 15: Never the naked city Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, ‘And where are you from?’ never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that Conversational Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.

Technique 16: Never the naked job

When asked the inevitable ‘And what do YOU do,’ you may think ‘I’m an economist,’ ‘an educator,’ ‘an engineer’ is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying ‘I’m a paleontologist,’ ‘psychoanalyst,’ or ‘pornographer.’ Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray. Painful memories

Technique 17: Never the naked introduction When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like Big Clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.

Be a word detective Like a good gumshoe, listen to your Conversation Partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that’s hot for the other person.

Technique 19: The swivelling spotlight When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When New Person is speaking, it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.

Technique 20: Parroting Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your Conversation Partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen. Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real objections when it’s so easy to shake them out of the trees with Parroting?

Technique 21: Encore! The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is ‘Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it again!’ The sweetest sound your Conversation Partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is ‘Tell them about the time you …’

Technique 22: Ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to ‘ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.’

Technique 23: The latest news … don’t leave home without it The last move to make before leaving for the party – even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror – is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face.

Technique 24: What do you do – NOT! A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, ‘What do you do?’ (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either (1) a ruthless networker, (2) a social climber, (3) a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or (4) someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)

You simply practise the following eight words. All together now: ‘How … do … you … spend … most … of … your … time?’

To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal resume with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent ‘What do you do?’ prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every time someone asks about your job, give a calculated oral resume in a nutshell. Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work.

‘What do you do?’ When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, ‘How could my professional experience benefit this person’s life?’ For example, here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return: estate agent financial planner martial arts instructor cosmetic surgeon hairdresser Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some benefit or you wouldn’t get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks above is: Don’t say ‘estate agent.’ Say ‘I help people moving into our area find the right home.’ Don’t say ‘financial planner.’ Say ‘I help people plan their financial future.’ Don’t say ‘martial arts instructor.’ Say ‘I help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts.’ Don’t say ‘cosmetic surgeon.’ Say ‘I reconstruct people’s faces after disfiguring accidents.’ (Or, if you’re talking with a woman ‘of a certain age,’ as the French so gracefully say, tell her, ‘I help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery.’)

Technique 25: The nutshell resume Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written resume off their printers for each position they’re applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to ‘What do you do?’ ask yourself, ‘What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?’

Technique 26: Your personal thesaurus Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements. Remember,

Here’s the technique I call Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.

Technique 27: Kill the quick ‘me, too!’ Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident Big Cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger. PS: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.

You decide to ask your boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively? ‘Can I take Friday off, Boss?’ Or this one: ‘Boss, can YOU do without me Friday?’ In the first case, Boss had to translate your ‘Can I take Friday off’ into ‘Can I do without this employee Friday?’ That’s an extra thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)

‘I like your suit.’ Or the one who says, ‘YOU look great in that suit.’

He likes to hear you say, ‘That’s a good question.’ However, consider how much better he feels when you tell him, ‘YOU’VE asked a good question.’

Technique 28: Comm-YOU-nication Start every appropriate sentence with YOU. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into ‘me’ terms. When you sprinkle YOU as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.

Technique 29: The exclusive smile If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty Big Players find in each new face. If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her.

vernacular,

layman’s

Technique 30: Don’t touch a cliché with a ten-foot pole Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with Big Winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob.

Technique 33: Trash the teasing A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless,

Technique 34: It’s the receiver’s ball A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it. Big Winners know how

The broken record Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off.

Technique 36: Big shots don’t slobber People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one, not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook. If the Queen Bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation.

Technique 37: Never the naked thank you Never let the words thank you stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it with for : from ‘Thank you for asking’ to ‘Thank you for zipping me up.’ Thank you for reading this section of How to Talk to Anyone! Now let us move on to another

Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and participating in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a tennis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies this time. Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you were planning on running some rapids like you do every warm weekend? Forget it, go bowling.

Technique 38: Scramble therapy Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience. You get 80 per cent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure.

Technique 39: Learn a little Gobbledygook Big Winners speak Gobbledygook as a second language. What is Gobbledygook? It’s the language of other professions. Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider. How do you learn it? You’ll find no Gobbledygook cassettes in the language section of your bookstore, but the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you’ll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold.

Technique 40: Baring their hot button Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.

Technique 41: Read their rags Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists – or anything between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than you’ll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonooz yet?)

Technique 43: Bluffing for bargains The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when you know how to deal. Before every big purchase, find several vendors – a few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, you’re ready to head for the store where you’re going to buy.

Technique 45: Echoing Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives – and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences.

Technique 47: Employ empathizers Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like ‘I see what you mean.’ Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like ‘That’s a lovely thing to say.’ Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue. Of

Technique 49: The premature we Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two, and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our.