How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

Midas touch that turns everything they do into success.

How to Win Friends and Influence People.3 His wisdom for the ages said success lay in smiling, showing interest in other people, and making them feel good about themselves. ‘That’s no surprise,’ I thought. It’s as true today as it was over sixty years ago.

‘Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.

‘The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility.’

Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.

There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker.

Pretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with sticky warm toffee. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey toffee until the tiny string finally breaks.

the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr or Ms Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity.

This is the look Winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it! Good posture symbolizes you are a man or woman who is used to being on top.

‘great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ The

Give everyone you meet the Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 per cent toward New Person shouts ‘I think you are very, very special.’

When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes – and everything between.

They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility.

Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.

Hans’s horse sense Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.

Experts agree if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.

Visualization works in just about any endeavour you apply it to – including being a terrific communicator. Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meeting. See it all in your mind’s eye ahead of time.

Watch the scene before you make the scene Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. See yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. Hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. Feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. Visualize yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.

Technique 10: Make a mood match Before opening your mouth, take a ‘voice sample’ of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a ‘psychic photograph’ of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.

How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.

If you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that. The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Don’t rush it or, like the Mensans, you seem like you’re showing off. The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text.

Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint, BLAM, people label you a complainer. Why? Because that complaint is your new acquaintance’s 100 per cent sampling of you so far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they know? If your first comment is a complaint, you’re a griper. If your first words are rude, you’re a creep. If your first words are unpleasant, you’re a stinker. Open and shut.

Ask them where they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’re wearing – or hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.

Never the naked city Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, ‘And where are you from?’ never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer.

Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that Conversational Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.

‘Well, when I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.’

Keep your Swivelling Spotlight aimed away from you, only lightly on your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product.

Technique 19: The swivelling spotlight When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When New Person is speaking, it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.

Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank. Don’t panic. Instead of signaling verbally or nonverbally that you ‘got it,’ simply repeat, or parrot, the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court.

The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is ‘Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it again!’ The sweetest sound your Conversation Partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is ‘Tell them about the time you …’ Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.

When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to ‘ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.’

A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, ‘What do you do?’ (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either (1) a ruthless networker, (2) a social climber, (3) a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or (4) someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)

You simply practise the following eight words. All together now: ‘How … do … you … spend … most … of … your … time?’ ‘How do you spend most of your time?’ is the gracious way to let a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook.

‘What do you do?’ When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, ‘How could my professional experience benefit this person’s life?’

Putting the benefit statement in your verbal Nutshell Resume brings your job to life and makes it memorable. Even if your new acquaintance can’t use your services, the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their financial future, thinking of self defence, considering cosmetic surgery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but the Big Winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs.

Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks.

Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements.

When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch.

Here’s the technique I call Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.

‘I was enjoying hearing about your trip so much, I was afraid you’d stop if I told you.