Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Our anger may push the alcoholic’s guilt buttons. The alcoholic may even overpower us with his or her anger just to keep us guilty and repressed.

We may be living with people now who are telling us directly or indirectly that we can’t think. Some of them may even be telling us we’re crazy, but alcoholics do that to people they live with. Maybe we’ve started wondering if we are crazy! But don’t believe any of it for one moment.

We may go back and forth a lot; we may throw the alcoholic out, then take him or her back. We may leave, then come back, then leave again. This is how we get to where we’re going. It’s okay. Let’s take it one step further—it’s normal and often necessary.

she feels guilty because she knows she is mad all the time; she feels responsible for Robert’s drinking;

We laugh when we want to cry, we say we’re fine when we’re not. We allow ourselves to be bullied and buried. We sometimes react inappropriately. We justify, rationalize, compensate, and take others all around the block. We are nonassertive. We badger and threaten, then back down. Sometimes we lie. Frequently, we are hostile. We apologize a lot, and hint at what we want and need.

If we start working on ourselves, our good health may rub off on the other people, in the same fashion that their illness rubbed off on us.

allow—even insist—other people be financially responsible for themselves.

Some of us can’t keep up with the things we need to forgive; the problems are happening so fast we barely know what’s going on. Before we can register the hurt and say, “I forgive,” another nasty thing has been dumped on us. Then we feel guilty because someone asks, “Why can’t you just forgive and forget?”

And forgiving someone does not mean we have to let that person keep hurting us. An alcoholic doesn’t need forgiveness; he or she needs treatment. We don’t need to forgive the alcoholic, at least not initially. We need to step back so he or she can’t keep stomping on our toes.

I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me. I will not knowingly believe or support lies. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home. I will not allow criminal behavior in my home. I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or other irresponsible behavior. I will not finance a person’s alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior. I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism.

I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics. If you want to act crazy that’s your business, but you can’t do it in front of me. Either you leave or I’ll walk away. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life—that’s your business—but I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.

Quit trying to make yourself trust someone you don’t trust.

To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.

Love and trust do not automatically reappear if the other person gets sober or solves whatever problem he or she had.3