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January 29 - February 20, 2022
two fundamental paths to influence: dominance and prestige.
When takers come across someone more dominant, they’re at risk of losing their influence.
getting inside Rich’s head, rather than his heart.
Once successful givers see the value of sincerity screening and begin to spot agreeable takers as potential fakers, they protect themselves by adjusting their behavior accordingly.
competing two thirds of the time, acting cooperatively in response to one of every three defections.
human nature leads you to invest your time where there is the biggest return—for
The most effective negotiators were otherish: they reported high concern for their own interests and high concern for their counterparts’ interests.
By looking for opportunities to benefit others and themselves, otherish givers are able to think in more complex ways and identify win-win solutions that both takers and selfless givers miss.
successful givers recognize that their everyday choices shape the results they achieve
our ability to prosper depends on developing enough comfort with a matching approach that it becomes second nature.
invited the people who benefited from his giving to help other people in his web of relationships, and a giving norm evolved.
we engage in truly selfless giving when we feel empathy for another person in need.
The greater the need, and the stronger our attachment to the person experiencing it, the more we empathize. When we empathize with a person, we focus our energy and attention on helping him or her—not because it will make us feel good but because we genuinely care.
If the goal is to reduce our own distress, we should choose whatever course of action makes us feel better. If the goal is to reduce another person’s distress, we should help even when it’s costly and other courses of action would make us feel good.
And this is why we help: we’re really helping ourselves.
If we empathize with other people to the point of merging our own identities with theirs, we care about them as much as we care about ourselves. Because we no longer place our interests above theirs, helping them is purely altruistic.
Oneness is otherish.
Common ground is a major influence on giving behaviors.
“activating a common identity.”
People are motivated to give to others when they identify as part of a common community.
On the one hand, we want to fit in: we strive for connection, cohesiveness, community, belonging, inclusion, and affiliation with others. On the other hand, we want to stand out: we search for uniqueness, differentiation, and individuality.
The more strongly we affiliate with a group, the greater our risk of losing our sense of uniqueness.
optimal distinctiveness: we look for ways to fit in and stand out.
The more rare a group, value, interest, skill, or experience is, the more likely it is to facilitate a bond.
generalized giving group after they receive enough benefits to feel like the group is helping them.
It’s a powerful lesson, even more so when we realize how much the visibility of giving can affect reciprocity styles.
I’d say the motives don’t matter: it’s the behavior itself that counts.
people who went public with their intentions to engage in an identity-relevant behavior were significantly less likely to engage in the behavior than people who kept their intentions private.
when people give, if they can attribute it to an external reason like a promotion, they don’t start to think of themselves as givers.
when people repeatedly make the personal choice to give to others, they start to internalize giving as part of their identities.
writer E. M. Forster, “How do I know who I am until I see what I do?”
“Being a giver has contributed to my personal and professional success. It’s liberating to talk about it. I’m not afraid anymore.”
But if you start paying attention to reciprocity styles in your own workplace, I have a hunch that you’ll discover plenty of givers achieving the success to which you aspire.
Personally, the successful people whom I admire most are givers, and I feel that it’s my responsibility to try and pass along what I’ve learned from them.
Peter says. “The more I help out, the more successful I become. But I measure success in what it has done for the people around me. That is the real accolade.”
characterizing success as individual achievements that have a positive impact on others.
they get to the top without cutting others down, finding ways of expanding the pie that benefit themselves and the people around them.
Simon Sinek writes, “Givers advance the world. Takers advance themselves and hold the world back.”
We spend the majority of our waking hours at work. This means that what we do at work becomes a fundamental part of who we are.
Test Your Giver Quotient.
www.giveandtake.com
Run a Reciprocity Ring.
Help Other People Craft Their Jobs—or Craft Yours to Incorporate More Giving.
Job Crafting Exercise. It’s what we used to conduct the Google workshops, and it involves creating a “before sketch” of how you currently allocate your time and energy, and then developing a visual “after diagram” of how you’d like to modify your job.
Start a Love Machine.
Embrace the Five-Minute Favor.
Practice Powerless Communication, but Become an Advocate.
set a goal in meetings to talk no more than 20 percent of the time. “One of my objectives is listening. Many times, you can have bigger impact if you know what to ask, rather than knowing what to say.
I don’t learn anything when I’m speaking. I learn a lot when I’m listening,”
Join a Community of Givers.
