The Martian

by Andy Weir

command” of the mission if I were the only remaining person. What do you know? I’m in command.

If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I’ll have to risk it.

Disco. God damn it, Lewis.

He turned back to Venkat. “I wonder what he’s thinking right now.” LOG ENTRY: SOL 61 How come Aquaman can control whales? They’re mammals! Makes no sense.

All my brilliant plans foiled by thermodynamics.

They didn’t want to put astronauts next to a glowing hot ball of radioactive death!

The first thing I did when I got in was wave my arms wildly while running in circles.

that poor rover so much, it looks like I parked it in a bad part of town.

“Software engineers are sneaky bastards when it comes to data management.”

“Jack, I’m going to buy your whole team autographed Star Trek memorabilia.” “I prefer Star Wars,”

“The press is crawling down my throat for this. And up my ass. Both directions, Venkat! They’re gonna meet in the middle!”

“Brought product to surface of Mars. It stopped working. 0/10.”

“I’m a physics guy, not a computer guy.” “He’s not funny to computer guys, either.” “You’re a very unpleasant man,

They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially “colonized” it. So technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!

Honestly, this is the best “bonus Mars time” we’ve had since the Opportunity lander. [09:02] WATNEY: Opportunity never went back to Earth. [09:17] JPL: Sorry. Bad analogy.

“Have you told anyone else?” “Who would I tell?” “I don’t know,” Venkat said. “Friends?” “I don’t have any of those.” “Okay, keep it under your hat.” “I don’t wear a hat.” “It’s just an expression.” “Really?” Rich said. “It’s a stupid expression.” “Rich, you’re being difficult.” “Ah. Thanks.”

But there’s something more important we need to discuss: What is it with you and disco? I can understand the ’70s TV because everyone loves hairy people with huge collars. But disco? Disco!?

Well…Mars didn’t electrocute Pathfinder. So I’ll amend that: Mars and my stupidity keep trying to kill me.

Yeah, that’s right, Mars, I’m gonna piss and shit on you. That’s what you get for trying to kill me all the time. There. I saved myself 3.6 pirate-ninjas.

keep that thing near the Hab. So anyway, I brought it back to the Hab.

First I had to finish drilling holes with the Pathfinder-murderin’ drill.

take control of a craft in international waters without permission. That makes me a pirate! A space pirate!

Problem is (follow me closely here, the science is pretty complicated), if I cut a hole in the Hab, the air won’t stay inside anymore.

Disco: Lifetime supply.

“When I was younger, I had to walk to the rim of a crater. Uphill! In an EVA suit! On Mars, ya little shit! Ya hear me? Mars!”

Also, have I mentioned I’m sick of potatoes? Because, by God, I am sick of potatoes. If I ever return to Earth, I’m going to buy a nice little home in Western Australia. Because Western Australia is on the opposite side of Earth from Idaho.

I’ll just float around in space until I run out of air.

admit it’s fatally dangerous,” Watney said. “But consider this: I’d get to fly around like Iron Man.” “We’ll keep working on ideas,” Lewis said. “Iron Man, Commander. Iron Man.”

“Yay! A plan!” Watney replied.

“Jesus, Mark, what did you do to that thing?” “You should see what I did to the rover,”

It’s true, you know. In space, no one can hear you scream like a little girl.