When I was nine, I was caught shoplifting football cards, which put an end to a successful, yearlong crime spree that included stealing everything from candy to Charlie Brown books to Mad books to baseball cards. My parents were so angry that they cancelled my upcoming birthday party. Then they never let me have one again. I still don’t have birthday parties. Because I stole a football card. I did lots of things. Things much later. Ugh. I can hardly think of it. The things that I would do. I’m like a psychopath or sociopath when I really get down to it. Worst of all, I go to the bathroom. I’ve
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