The Other Side of Disappearing

by Kate Clayborn

“Do you ever feel mad at him about that? I mean, that he’s not here. For you to ask.” God. It’s such a vulnerable question. I’m not sure if Tegan knows that, between the two of us, she’s the brave one. “I don’t, no. I feel mad at myself, sometimes.” I swallow, a familiar press of emotion at the back of my throat. But I’m used to it. I don’t hide it. I can take it. “I think about if I’d gone to visit him more, or if I’d called him more. I think about times I should’ve paid better attention to the texts he sent me, or the times I got frustrated with him for not taking better care of himself.”