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words are powerful. Once you speak them, you can't take them back.
“You've been through a lot of pain. And it's hard to trust anyone, hard to believe that anyone could care because you've always hated yourself. On one level, you've wanted people to believe your tough facade. But on a deeper level, you've wished that someone would be able to get past it, to get inside you and listen to your heart. But you've been afraid that no one in the world would understand—or worse, that you would drive them away.
You do need people; you need them so much so that it scares you to death. You drive them away so they don't get too close; yet you regret it every time you do.
“You claim you don't want anyone to understand you. But you do. You want it very much. It's just that you don't believe that it is possible for anyone to understand, and you cannot bear to be let down again.”
“I'm not here to judge your behavior,”
“I've committed to therapy with you, I want to help you, and I will honor that commitment. Maybe people have left you before or turned their backs when things got too rough. I won't do that. So long as you keep coming here, no matter what might happen, what you might say or do, it isn't going to drive me away. I'll be here. You can count on that. The only person that will leave this therapy is you; you will make that decision, not me. I'll be here for as long as it takes.”
“You are like a diamond,”
“A rough diamond. Only covered in dirt so you can't see it for yourself. And I am like the one who discovered you. My role is to help you slowly scrape away the caked-on dirt until we get to the diamond itself. If you know anything about diamonds, though, you know that they don't have much value in rough form. Diamonds gain their value according to how skillfully they're cut. “Your parents never recognized the possible value. You
were never finely cut, and you never got the chance to see the value and the beauty you possessed. So you covered yourself in mud and buried and hid yourself there because that is what you thought you were. Dirt. “Well, once we remove the soil, we will work together to cut that diamond and give it more value, beauty, and shining brilliance than you ever could have believed. You don't see the potential yet. You don't see the inherent value and bea...
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“Some scientists were conducting an experiment,” he said, “trying to gauge the impact of abuse on children. Ducks, like people, develop bonds between mother and young. They call it imprinting. So the scientists set out to test how that imprint bond would be affected by abuse. “The control group was a real mother duck and her ducklings. For the experimental group, the scientist used a mechanical duck they had created—feathers, sound, and all—which would, at timed intervals, peck the ducklings with its mechanical beak. A painful peck, one a real duck would not give. They varied these groups.
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“Black-and-white thinking” was based on absolute extremes—natural in very young children but unsettling in adult relationships. I saw people as either good or evil. When they were “good,” I vaulted them to the top of a pedestal. They could do no wrong, and I loved them with all of my being. When they were “bad,” they became objects of scorn and revenge.
“Projection” occurred when I assumed my thoughts were their thoughts, my motivations their motivations. If I angrily accused Dr. Padgett of hating me and wishing I'd just “snap out of it,” it was because I hated myself and wished I could snap out of it. I was most likely to project my deepest fears and feelings of self-hatred because they were simply too disturbing to acknowledge within myself.
“You have painful and frightening feelings within you, so frightening that you'd rather suffer indefinitely, sometimes rather die, than look at them in the light of day.
Fragmenting, or dissociating, occurred when a person did not have a fully integrated personality. Different aspects of the personality would emerge, depending upon the situation. It was a patchwork means of coping. When gripped by fear, the abusive tough-acting persona would come to fend off the threat and reduce the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. When she was overwhelmed by the need to be close to someone, the pleading, begging little girl emerged. In many situations, the adult sensibilities and rationality were present, and thus the personalities would be somewhat integrated and
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“Borderlines,” as they were called, had an overwhelming inclination toward self-destruction. Ten percent of borderlines committed suicide; even more engaged in dangerous, impulsively self-destructive behavior. Chemical addictions and abuse marked the disorder, as well as reckless driving and eating disorders.
BPD-related behavior such as explosive rages, damaging manipulation, and compulsive acts of self-destruction.
Diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder: A pervasive pattern of instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by at least five of the following: (1) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of overidealization and devaluation.
Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially damaging, e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating. (Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in [5]).Promiscuous
(3) Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
(4) Inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger, e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.
(5) Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or self-mutilating behavior.
(6) Marked and persistent identity disturbance manifested by uncertainty about at least two of the following: self-image, sexual orientation, long-term goals or career choice, types of friends desired, preferred values.
(7) Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
(8) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in
you. But you aren't a lousy person,
At your core you are a good person who's been through an awful lot.”
borderline personality disorder is too broad a category to make any one-size-fits-all conclusion.
Most psychiatrists think Adolf Hitler was a borderline, but they also think Marilyn Monroe was too.
“This isn't therapy right now. This is acting out. When you are ready to participate, I'm here. But I can't work with you unless the adult is present.”
You need me so much it scares you. You're afraid your need is so vast that somehow it will swallow me alive or drive me away. But it hasn't, and it won't. The only way therapy will end is if you end it. You can leave before it's finished, before your needs are met. You can leave in a rage. But it will hurt you much more than it will hurt me.”
Every child deserves parents who give love unconditionally, who don't exploit vulnerability but nurture it with kindness. Not because of anything a child does or says, but because the infant simply is. A child shouldn't have to earn this love. It's a birthright.
It's dangerous when the raw black-and-white emotions of a child are harbored in an adult's mind and body.
“One of the saddest facts isn't that there is still a child within you but that you're so ashamed of that child. What's even sadder is that you have always been ashamed of that child, even when you were one. You can accept the childlike nature of your own children, but you can't accept it in yourself.
