Heaven

by Mieko Kawakami

What did it mean for us to be friends? What was a friend supposed to do? I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

I mean, I almost never feel like everything’s okay, but just because most of my life feels wrong doesn’t mean that’s how I want it to be. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel like anything is wrong or okay. Just normal. That’s the part of me I like, the normal part.”

“People are different, though,” she said softer still. “Sometimes you can’t see the scars. But there’s a lot of pain, I think.” After that, she was quiet.

There was no way for me to make my life go away. My thoughts made me want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I managed to bottle up the feeling and forced myself to acknowledge that I didn’t have it half as bad as the kid who killed himself.