Heaven

by Mieko Kawakami

“I don’t really know how to say it, but it’s like something’s wrong, all the time, and I can’t do anything to stop it. It’s always there. When I’m at home, when I’m at school. But things can be good sometimes. Really good. Like when I’m talking to you or writing letters. Those things are really good for me. Then I start feeling like everything’s okay. And that makes me happy. But know what? That feeling like everything’s wrong and this feeling like everything’s okay, I guess a part of me wants to believe that neither one of them is, like, natural . . . I guess I want to feel like they’re both exceptions to the rule. I mean, I almost never feel like everything’s okay, but just because most of my life feels wrong doesn’t mean that’s how I want it to be. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel like anything is wrong or okay. Just normal. That’s the part of me I like, the normal part.”