A Confederacy of Dunces

by John Kennedy Toole

“I refuse to ‘look up.’ Optimism nauseates me. It is perverse. Since man’s fall, his proper position in the universe has been one of misery.”

I must admit that I always suspected Myrna of being interested in me sensually; my stringent attitude toward sex intrigued her; in a sense, I became another project of sorts. I did, however, succeed in thwarting her every attempt to assail the castle of my body and mind.

You can always tell employees of the government by the total vacancy which occupies the space where most other people have faces.”

she had to admit that the bird was very good, a skilled and professional performer who almost made up for the act’s human deficiencies.

For myself, I sent a humble greeting to St. Medericus, the Hermit, who is invoked against intestinal disorders.

I suspect that I am the result of particularly weak conception on the part of my father. His sperm was probably emitted in a rather offhand manner.”

Ignatius now realized that in addition to the head and ear, an erection had been bothering him ever since he had awakened. It was demanding attention. “Would you mind leaving my booth for a moment while I inspect myself to see whether I’ve been mishandled? Five minutes should be sufficient.”

You learnt everything, Ignatius, except how to be a human being.”

Taking the pigtail in one of his paws, he pressed it warmly to his wet moustache.