You Just Don't Understand

by Deborah Tannen

In understanding what went wrong, the man must realize that when she asks what he would like,

she is not asking an information question but rather starting a negotiation about what both would like.

simply engaging the world in a way that many men do: as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which he was either one-up

conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around.

Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence...

approaching the world as many women do: as an individual in a net...

conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and su...

Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second.

Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while many men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners.

Women expect decisions to be discussed first and made by consensus. They appreciate the discussion itself as evidence of involvement and communication.

But many men feel oppressed by lengthy discussions about what they see as minor decisions, and they feel hemmed in if they ca...

When women try to initiate a freewheeling discussion by asking, “What do you think?” men often think they are bei...

His response to this letter surprised me, because I have received similar letters from publishers, and my response is totally different: I like them, because it makes me feel important to know that my whereabouts matter. When I

mentioned this difference to my colleague, he was puzzled and amused, as I was by his reaction. Though he could understand my point of view intellectually, emotionally he could not imagine how one could not feel framed as both controlled and inferior in rank by being told to report one’s movements to someone. And though I could understand his perspective intellectually, it simply held no emotional resonance for me.

So boys monitor their relations for subtle shifts in status by keeping track of who’s giving orders and who’s taking them.

We all want, above all, to be heard—but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood—heard for what we think we are saying, for

what we know we meant. With increased understanding of the ways women and men use language should come a decrease in frequency of the complaint “You just don’t understand.”

she responds, “I know how you feel; I feel the same way.” To her surprise and chagrin, he gets annoyed; he feels she is trying to take something away from him by denying the uniqueness of his experience.

When men change the subject, women think they are showing a lack of sympathy—a failure of intimacy. But the failure to ask probing questions could just as well be a way of respecting the other’s need for independence.