You Just Don't Understand

by Deborah Tannen

We all know we are unique individuals, but we tend to see others as representatives of groups.

Generalizations, while capturing similarities, obscure differences.

The sociolinguistic approach I take in this book shows that many frictions arise because boys and girls grow up in what are essentially different cultures, so talk between women and men is cross-cultural communication.

If we can sort out differences based on conversational style, we will be in a better position to confront real conflicts of interest—and to find a shared language in which to negotiate them.

element of one-upmanship

In this world, conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around.

Life, then,

a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure. I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as an individual in a network of connections. In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others’ attempts ...

Women expect decisions to be discussed first and made by consensus. They appreciate the discussion itself as evidence of involvement and communication. But many men feel oppressed by lengthy discussions about what they see as minor decisions, and they feel hemmed in if they can’t just act without talking first.

If intimacy says, “We’re close and the same,” and independence says, “We’re separate and different,” it is easy to see that intimacy and independence dovetail with connection and status.

A protective gesture from a man reinforces the traditional alignment by which men protect women. But a protective gesture from a woman suggests a different scenario: one in which women protect children.

If, like many men, one believes that human relations are fundamentally hierarchical, then playing on connection rather than status amounts to “pretending” there is no status—in other words, being deceptive. But those who tend to regard connection as the basic dynamic operating between people see attempts to use status differences as manipulative and unfair.

Eve wanted the gift of understanding, but Mark gave her the gift of advice. He was taking the role of problem solver, whereas she simply wanted confirmation for her feelings.

If women resent men’s tendency to offer solutions to problems, men complain about women’s refusal to take action to solve the problems they complain about.

This explains why men are frustrated when their sincere at-tempts to help a woman solve her problems are met not with gratitude but with disapproval.

Yet another man commented that women seem to wallow in their problems, wanting to talk about them forever, whereas he and other men want to get them out and be done with them, either by finding a solution or by laughing them off.

Women tend to show understanding of another woman’s feelings. When men try to reassure women by telling them that their situation is not so bleak, the women hear their feelings being belittled or discounted.

This man wanted to help me—which I sincerely appreciated—but he also wanted to demonstrate that he had the information and skill required to help, even though he didn

women not only feel comfortable seeking help, but feel honor-bound to seek it, accept it, and display gratitude in exchange. For their part, many men feel honor-bound to fulfill the request for help whether or not it is convenient for them to do

that they are more concerned with displaying their superior knowledge and skill than with making sure that the knowledge is shared.

many men get a sense of pleasure from fixing things because it reinforces their feeling of being in control, self-sufficient, and able to dominate the world of objects.

Attuned to the metamessage of connection, many women are comfortable both receiving help and giving it, though surely there are many women who are comfortable only in the role of giver of help and support. Many men, sensitive to the dynamic of status, the need to help women, and the need to be self-reliant, are comfortable in the role of giving information and help but not in receiving it.

We feel we know how the world is, and we look to others to reinforce that conviction. When we see others acting as if the world were an entirely different place from the one we inhabit, we are shaken.

Men and women often have very different ideas of what’s important—and at what point “important” topics should be raised.

For girls, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. Boys’ relationships are held together primarily by activities: doing things together, or talking about activities such as sports or, later, politics.

The forums in which men are most inclined to talk are those in which they feel the need to impress, in situations where their status is in question.

For many men, the comfort of home means freedom from having to prove themselves and impress through verbal display.

But for women, home is a place where they are free to talk, and where they feel the greatest need for talk, with those they are closest

For them, the comfort of home means the freedom to talk without worrying about how their talk will be judged.

When I am the guest, my position of authority is granted before I begin to speak. Were I to call in, I would be claiming that right on my own.

Many men are more comfortable than most women in using talk to claim attention.

Many women’s tendency to use personal experience and examples, rather than abstract argumentation, can be understood from the perspective of their orientation to language as it is used in private speaking.

When people talk about the de-tails of daily lives, it is gossip; when they write about them, it is literature: short stories and novels.

she would never make an anthropologist because she wasn’t interested enough in gossip.

When the Greek women gather to share laments, each one’s

expression of grief reminds the others of their own suffering, and they intensify each other’s feelings.

Expressing the pain they feel in losing loved ones bonds the women to each other, and their bonding is a salve against the wound of loss.

Bonding through troubles is widespread among women and common between women and men. It seems to be far less common between men.

If one problem is solved, then another must be found, to keep the intimate conversation going.

Girls and women feel it is crucial that they be liked by their peers, a form of involvement that focuses on symmetrical connections. Boys and men feel it is crucial that they be respected by their peers, a form of involvement

that focuses on asymmetrical status.

details give them a pleasurable sense of involvement, of being part of something, just as gossip does for women who talk about the details of their own and others’ lives.

The exchange of relatively insignificant details about daily life sends a metamessage of rapport and caring.

The noticing of details shows caring and creates involvement.

there are situations in which everyone feels oppressed by being told, or asked for, what seem like too many details.

Habitual ways of talking are hard to change. Learning, to respect others’ ways of talking may be a bit easier.

Since women seek to build rapport, they are inclined to play down their

expertise rather than display it. Since men value the position of center stage and the feeling of knowing more, they seek opportunities to gather and disseminate factual information.

Observers often rated the male nonexpert as more dominant than the female expert.

Evidence of the woman’s superior knowledge sparked resentment, not respect.