This Time You Return To Yourself

by Duduzile Noeleen Ngwenya

To my present self, It makes a difference that you’re here. Maybe you’re not seeing or feeling it, but this is a reminder that the world is better with you in it. I see your efforts to overcome the battles you’re facing, to win against the anxiety that cripples you, to beat the unhelpful habits you’re trying to unlearn, I see all of it. I see you.

I hope every day presents an opportunity for you to live up to the person you were created to be it’s going to be so lovely to see you embrace that you were fearfully and wonderfully made

I hope you learn how to view yourself from a place of grace, understanding that you will fail at some things, while you’re great at others. On both days, you’re enough.

b r e a t h e you did enough today just like you always do

don’t wait for too long for them to be what you wish they could be to make you happy

not everyone you lose is a bad person some people were only meant to stay in your life for a little while

the truth is letting go of the wrong person you’ve grown to love will not be easy whenever it feels like you made a mistake by releasing them remember to love yourself more

give yourself permission to miss the people who didn’t treat you the way you deserved without allowing them back into your life

I look forward to learning how to love someone with as many scars, fears and insecurities as you have, yet remaining as beautiful, and soft as you are. I look forward to loving you

to my present self, it’s always been you that I’ve loved. even when it didn’t feel like it at times. it’s always been you.

There’ll come a point in your life when you’ll love yourself so right, that it’ll be impossible for you to stay in places that don’t contribute to your growth.

You will fall in love with the right person someday. It won’t feel weird to blow up their phone with cute messages and calls just because you want to talk to them all the time. It won’t feel like you’re too clingy when you find excuses to be with them. Seeking reassurance from them won’t be necessary because they’ll flood you with words and actions that reaffirm that they are yours. It’ll just make sense to keep falling for them because for the first time, you’d have found the one who deserves your love.

To my present self, I learned that there are days when you can’t show up for me as consistently as I’d want you to. Not because you’re negligent, or you don’t love me as you should, but because on some days, you’re simply trying to get out of your busy head. You’re simply trying to find a way to navigate through a day full of expectations and responsibilities you can’t escape. You’re simply trying to stay sane enough to be able to return to me when you’re ready to love me the way I need to be loved.

to my anxious inner child just like the weather emotions change this feeling will pass remember that the last time you felt it it passed so stay here right in it I am here with you

as you envision where you want to be remember to be here in the present this is the only place you’ll ever need to be in

this is for the days when you feel like you’re struggling remember to breathe you’ve already overcome a lot take it easy when you’re trying something for the first time people learn things at different paces it’s time you learn how not to resist yours accept things you cannot change it’ll bring you more peace of mind more than anything permit yourself to feel this way no one is rushing you into feeling what you’re not except you and it shouldn’t be that way only you know the strength it took to get through this day only you know the number of times you had to remind yourself to breathe and that everything was going to be okay only you know what it took to be here acknowledge that

to my inner child you’re safe now you don’t have to explain or cross your boundaries to make others comfortable or fear that no one will understand how you process big emotions I’m here you’re safe now

have more slow days have more, “I did nothing much” days you need them as much as you need, “I was very productive” days you need the slow days to remind you to pause, breathe and nurture your emotional and mental wellbeing so take more of those days they’re a response to the language your soul speaks

to my present self remember to be here I need you here the past has had its fair share of you the future is yet to have you so for now just be here

I hope you enjoy the little moments in your life without letting anxiety sadness or any big emotion take away your chance to cherish those moments and create memories

it starts with you trusting that you’re able to make the right decisions believing that you’re deserving of all the good things happening in your life being self-aware and knowing when you need to learn or unlearn no one knows the battles you had t...

Eventually, you will learn how to unapologetically want more for yourself. More love, peace, respect, happiness or growth. And on that day, you will stop permitting yourself to be half-loved or half-chosen by people despite how much you love them.

someday, you’ll let your guard down and it won’t be something you live to regret. because you’d have found the one who makes it easy to think you’ll never need to be on guard again.

I hope that even though you carry anxiety for the future and pain from the past, you cherish the peace that comes with being in the present. I hope you don’t just survive, rather, I hope that you live.

Today, I give myself permission. to be happy about the little things that make me think life isn’t that bad. to hurt all over again over what I thought I had healed from. to miss the relationships, I outgrew and still, trust the decision I made to move on from them. Today I give myself permission to be anything I’d like to be and to feel every emotion I get to experience, at my own pace.

to my present self, when I look back at the journey you’ve walked, I am blind to the failures and weaknesses you seem to dwell on all I see is your strength, your resilience when you fell and rose back up like some phases of the journey weren’t that painful. I see a warrior who, for a good reason, is tired of fighting for everything they wish to hold onto. I see someone who longs for the gentler side of life, and that is not a weakness.

each phase of your life serves its purpose. there are phases you wish you could erase or blot out of your memory, but they did what they had to do in your life path. you don’t have to be excited about the painful seasons, you just need to love and embrace the person you’ve become even after all you had to endure.