Let Me F*cking Cry

by Rhiannon Janae

Your hands feel like the home I have always been looking for. Why do you feel like home, yet you have no roof? Why do you feel safe, yet your hands are full of harm?

How can someone become everything and nothing all at the same time? How can one person make you feel the happiest and then the saddest within the same hour? How can someone give so much, just to take it away? How can I want you to leave so badly, but need you to stay even more?

If those walls could have talked, they would have said, “You are too young to be this damaged from a man who can’t even get a grip on himself.” “You are too smart to think the love you deserve is in the hands of a man who can’t even hold himself together long enough to stand on his own two feet.” “You are too good to let some guy who doesn’t even love himself make you feel so unloved.” If those walls could have talked, would I have listened?

Why have I fallen so weak into the hands of someone I cannot even call a man? Because a real man means what he says when he says, “Next time will be different.” But here, each time is the same phrase ending with another false hope from the repetition of next time. The only time it ever changed profoundly was when the universe gave us no next time. That is when it became different.

I want your mistakes to no longer have a home inside of me. -eviction notice

do not understand this path or why I must walk it. I see others smile, and it makes me angry at the realization that the world keeps on turning, yet here I am, still barely moving.

I swear I lie to myself about how much you love me. But every time I get myself in your arms, all the bad runs away. Because for some reason, the weight of your embrace shields away the darkness. But maybe they just capsize me into it. I am addicted to loving you. When I am without you, I feel sick. Yet, when I am with you, I feel even sicker from the fact that I have let this be the only thing I want.

I never understood how you would tell everyone how much you loved me behind my back but kept breaking my heart right in front of my face. -the greatest showman

This anger has caused me blurred visons. I want to scream so loudly, but there is no one here to hear me. I want to cry softly, but there’s no one here to see me. I want to rip my heart outside of my chest because all it does is hurt me these days. I have found ways to hate everything around me, because nothing is you. The funny thing is, I hate everything besides you, when you are the one thing I should hate.

You should have loved me the way you would brag to others about how much I loved you. How you wrote me in your life as the hero who kept you alive, all while becoming the villain who recklessly broke my heart into millions of pieces. Cracking more and more at every broken promise or endless self-destruction. You should have loved me the way you painted me as the woman of your dreams, as you became the nightmare of mine. You should have loved me as much I loved you, because that my dear, was selfless, effortless, wholehearted love all while you gave me selfish, reckless, heartless love.

My anger has subsided this week and has yet again been replaced with a longing for you. The cycle of hate and love I have towards you drives me mad. I have thought of locking myself up, but I know you will find a way under the cracks. Why can’t I decide how to emotionally digest you? When I hate you, I think how could I have ever loved you? On the days I love you, I think, how can I have so much hate for a ghost? -talking with a ghost