Let Me F*cking Cry

by Rhiannon Janae

I found loopholes to continue to love the one who had already ruined me.

I cannot escape him. Not because he will not let me, but because I will not let me. He is like a drug I do not need, but desperately want. It is like my heart was made to break in his hands and shatter all over myself

I do not want you, but I do need you.

I like to feel the embrace of how bitter I have become inside.

I have become a version of myself that I both envy and despise. A love/ hate.

I am now the person I on...

-words you never got to hear

I do not feel safe, but I do not feel unsafe. I think that is what our love feels like. Almost like a numbness until you leave me, and then I feel crazy, as if I cannot breathe. But that’s what gets me. The fact that I fear being without you, all while being with you, is a horror show. Watching you fill yourself up with drugs, as you disappear into darkness. All the things that would make someone want to run.

Maybe treading in these waters is safe. Yes, I am tired, but I know how this works. Opening the door is too unknown. This is familiar. Why is the mind so fucked up, that it makes you believe you deserve nothing good? Why can’t I get my legs to walk out of here and be young and free of this nightmare? Why do I stay here waiting for someone who cannot love me? Maybe it is because what I truly fear is myself.

Why do I love everything more when I cannot have it?

Regret keeps her awake and remorse wakes her up in the morning. Regret for staying another day, remorse for doing it all again in the morning.

I must tell my stomach every morning that you are not returning, and that I am no longer the girl I once was as yours.

How can I want you to leave so badly, but need you to stay even more?

They call it young love, but it was a love like I never knew before. Is it all the same for everyone? Are we all haunted by the one we let inside us first?

They rumbled inside of me like a gun, just waiting to be triggered. And when I pulled the trigger, out came all the hate inside of me. The hate of missing you. The hate of loving you. The hate of losing you. The hate of losing me. Maybe all that’s inside of me is hate, and that’s why I want to escape myself so badly. I’m like a gun just waiting to be triggered.

Maybe part of me does not want to fully heal because the hurt has become so creative. My muse is my pain and without it, what kind of words would live inside of me? Pain holds memories and those memories mold me into who I am, and who I will become.

I have never loved someone before you and I keep feeling like I will never love someone after you. But if I let that happen, I fear you might win. Because when you took my heart, you carved your initials inside of it so that any lover after you would never have my whole heart. Or if they did, they would be reminded of who was here first. -ex marks the spot

Falling in love scares me because it reminds me of you.

But at the end of the day, love is what broke me.

Our love was becoming a game of who could hurt each other more. You always won. -checkmate

I hate the way I let you fool me into losing everyone who loved me by making me believe all I needed was you.

You sure know how to make a girl cry. You’ve mastered it, along with wrapping her around your finger until you are ready to let go. I do not know what is sicker, the way you play me, or the way I let you. I guess I have mastered my own way of making a girl cry. At least I have the decency of only harming myself.

Headphones in my ears, thinking about all the ways I love you, and all the ways I hate you. Lately, I have been filling my days in the rain. Headphones in my ears, thinking about all the ways I hate to love you, and all the ways I love to hate you.

I never knew you could miss someone so much, all while not missing them at all.

You are the kind of guy I will live the rest of my life regretting giving myself to.

I want your mistakes to no longer have a home inside of me.

I see others smile, and it makes me angry at the realization that the world keeps on turning, yet here I am, still barely moving. Isn’t it such a cruel thing, how the world can change in a split second yet, we cannot even pause for a moment?

What makes me hate you the most is the fact that you would not give us a chance to put our pieces back together before you broke more off. -the pieces were me

I swear I lie to myself about how much you love me. But every time I get myself in your arms, all the bad runs away. Because for some reason, the weight of your embrace shields away the darkness. But maybe they just capsize me into it. I am addicted to loving you. When I am without you, I feel sick. Yet, when I am with you, I feel even sicker from the fact that I have let this be the only thing I want. -emotional suicide

-fool me three times and I am the fool

So I keep my hands in my pockets, and swear to never love again.

I thought it was you it was me it was us it was all worth fighting for it was all going to get better it was all going to be okay. I thought we were right we were real we were whole we were the kind of love we’ve always wanted we were going to forgive each other we were going to forgive ourselves. I thought we were in this together.

I want to scream so loudly, but there is no one here to hear me. I want to cry softly, but there’s no one here to see me. I want to rip my heart outside of my chest because all it does is hurt me these days. I have found ways to hate everything around me, because nothing is you. The funny thing is, I hate everything besides you, when you are the one thing I should hate.

I know our love was crazy, but I like to think it was because we loved too hard.

Our love has created such a monster inside of me, that sometimes when I least expect it, that monster creeps out from under my chest, and causes serious wounds to those who never cut it. -anger

You should have loved me as much I loved you, because that my dear, was selfless, effortless, wholehearted love all while you gave me selfish, reckless, heartless love.

Where did it all go wrong? Maybe we loved too hard, too fast.

Maybe it was the wrong place or the wrong time.

The cycle of hate and love I have towards you drives me mad.

I have thought of locking myself up, but I know you will find a way under the cracks. Why can’t I decide how to emotionally digest you? When I hate you, I think how could I have ever loved you? On the days I love you, I think, how can I have so much hate for a ghost?

At night I shut off all the lights and wait for you to whisper goodnight. That is why I have been having a lot of sleepless nights.

I want to shove the world into a dark corner and tell it to go fuck off. I want to scream out all the ways it has let me down in hopes that somebody hears me and tells me it’s all going to be okay. I want to crumble all the mistakes I have made into my palms and watch as they fall through my fingertips as nothing but dirt. I want to ask why I have such a burden to bear when all I asked for was love. I want to understand others’ heartbreak without becoming angry with how it doesn’t compare to mine. I want to wake up as a version of myself who does not live with this loss etching itself deep inside my heart. I want to see the world for what it can be, and not for all that it has not been. -let me fucking cry

A haunting; When someone is no longer here, but you see them in everything.

He’s a lover that barely keeps you holding on, but has you way too scared of letting go.

Now, I ride the train out to the suburbs where I pretend you are waiting for me at our old stop, holding flowers and wearing an apology on your lips. Telling me you are sorry for leaving, or for leading me here at all.

If I could describe our love in one word, I would use the word wreckage; a form of disaster, but a thing one cannot look away from.

Maybe if life could give us another chance, another minute, another second. Maybe this time we could do it all right and take small steps. Maybe you could keep my hand in yours, so that if life takes you away, we could at least say goodbye. -bargaining

Maybe if I keep crying, you will feel bad enough to come back for me.

What hour, or what day did our thread start to unravel? My lips never left your mouth, but my heart started to dangle through your hands, like some sort of yo-yo. You kept letting me go, knowing I would always come back a little more broken than before. -pieces of me in your pocket

I once told another man after a couple of months that I loved him. I carelessly held his heart and lied to his eyes. Throwing around those three big words that still belonged to you. -lies on my tongue