Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man's Principles for Delicious Living

by Nick Offerman

It’s an incredible gift to be able to make your own fun.

If there is a God, no part of the Bible or Christian doctrine will convince me of his existence half as much as the flavor of a barbecued pork rib.

if you don’t respect your own body enough to keep it free of that garbage, at least PLEASE STOP FEEDING IT TO YOUR KIDS.

I admire my uncle for his hunting discipline, because he doesn’t do it for the fun of killing an animal, and he doesn’t do it wastefully. It’s simply a choice to fulfill some of his family’s grocery needs in the larder of the forest rather than the Albertsons.

When the clergy get too big for their britches, they take these wonderfully benevolent writings from the Bible and crumble their intended integrity by slathering them with human nature.

The thing that makes me mad is when a person suggests that I CANNOT be a nice person or live a life of goodness WITHOUT reading the Bible and attending church.

(A note to parents at sporting events: DERIDING your child is not going to help anyone but will make you look like a real fuck-nut.)

Let your freak flag fly, friend. Do your thing, however it looks, keep the hygiene up, and tell everybody who doesn’t like it to kiss your tattooed ass.

Damn it all, you have been given a life on this beautiful planet! Get off your ass and do something!

Really, all religious teachings can be boiled down to: “Just be cool. Don’t be an asshole.”

It’s the first rule of Fight Club. Admitting you’re an asshole.

If you engage in a discipline or do something with your hands instead of kill time on your phone device, then you have something to show for your time when you’re done.

“Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.”

The people making stuff are generally less wealthy but much happier overall. Less bored, less bitter, more satisfied.

I would rather get something done. It’s important to me, when I finish any pursuit, to be able to look back at my work and see a tangible result.

When I see a person without makeup, I think she appears real, like nature made her, which to me is purely beautiful.

I couldn’t believe that a woman that beautiful and sophisticated would say something so wonderfully pornographic about my balls.

There is nothing that a man or woman can do to improve upon nature. Your true self, no matter how much you dislike that self’s lack of cheekbones, is the most beautiful version of you that can be presented to the world,

Idle hands are never the devil’s workshop more than when those recumbent mitts are resting upon a computer keyboard.