Lemon Pepper: Where Love & Grief Meet

by Nina.

“Promise me somethin’.” “What?” Daun leaned in to hear his brother better. “I said promise me somethin’ nigga!” “Oh, what? Whatever it is I got you.” “If anything ever happen to me, they yours, you hear me?” Travis said it in a normal tone through all the chaos and Daun heard him loud and clear. “They yours, Daun. That’s your son.”

When Travis started crying, they knew it was time to go. “Naw, cause…” Travis sniveled as Daun and Truck practically carried him out. “I really got a lil nigga at home. Y’all see him man?” he held up his phone showing his pride and joy displayed on the lock screen.

“It was last May don’t know the exact day, in my hand there was a rang!” Travis yelled, while crying real tears. “I love my bitch!” “This tender dick ass nigga,” Truck laughed, tapping Daun. “We can stop and get some food right quick?”

“Because Mom will make me look like a baby, and he…he robbed them,” Oak responded making Daun crack up. “I want to leave a good impression. My brother already left a bad one and he has a lot of tattoos.” “So, what that mean?” “I read on the internet that employers judge off of first appearance and since I need someone there with me, his will be kinda…intimidating.” “You can’t judge somebody off shit like that, Oak.” “I know but Mom said it’s the way the world works. Especially for black men…like me. I have to leave a good impression, Daun. I want this job soooo bad…please, statistically⁠—” “Ard, ard, I got you man,” he interrupted his little brother who would go on and on about the things he’d learned from the internet. “I’ll take you.” “Thank you!” Oak smiled brightly then his face suddenly fell. “Oh no…” “What’s wrong?” “Now I have to figure out how to break the news to Truck without hurting his feelings.”

The most painful kind of love is grief. The most powerful kind of love is grief because it is absent. Continuing to love beyond physical presence was extraordinarily potent. It is the duel between moving on and remaining. How can one grieve what we never wanted to lose?

So much derives from grief other than sadness, pain, and sorrow. Insight. Perspective. Change. Growth. Appreciation. More love. Going through grief, growing through grief—losing someone—it is a cycle of love. Recycled love. Love in a different stage.

Which was why she currently sat with her psychiatrist, Dr. Apple Pie.

“I think it’s bout seven or eight cause her daughter got one I believe but her son…chileeeee, that boy need to put a curtain on that rod.”

“Bro…” Shamara was inconsolable. “Why you mace that man?” she laughed. “I am so sorry,” Benz ignored her cousin, apologizing to the two men. “That is not the type of thing that usually goes on around here and I really hope that’s not the impression you have of Nomel in the future,” she said, going right into professional mode. “So you just don’t fuck around, huh?” the darker one asked. “What do you mean?” “That was my momma house you pulled up to last week for your money. Now you beatin’ on niggas, I’m scared of you Miss Lady,” he said, sarcastically.

Daun and Oak took a seat in the two chairs adjacent her desk. “So!” Benz smiled. It was then she realized that Daun was actually there too. “Ummm…do you need to be present for the interview?” “I may not be able to answer some stuff,” Oak dropped his head. Daun placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder for some encouragement.

“That’s me…” Oak finally spoke. “I promise to always smile with you when it rains. Even in a storm…I’ll have an umbrella big enough for the both of us,” he cheesed.

“Go get the bitch who gave you that horse face! I’ll walk her ass right back to the fuckin’ farm y’all came from!”

“Have you ever?” “No,” Oak shook his head. “Well, putting them on cakes doesn’t exactly mean you are cursing. We are here not to judge or question what people want. Unless it is some sort of hate speech or racial slur, I will put anything someone requests.” “Should I say a curse word to familiarize myself?” “No,” Benz chuckled. “You don’t have to do that. Cursing isn’t really necessary to begin with when there are so many other words in the awful English language.”

Oak’s name displaying on the screen brought him from the intruding thoughts. He continued staring at the backdoor Candice disappeared into knowing he would have to come with something good to get back on her good side. When she got mad at him, she had no problem showing his ass. “Yea bro?” “Where are you?” “Huh?” Daun’s eyes darted to the time. “Oh shit, my fault, man. You still at the jawn?” “No, Benz had to bring me with her to pick up her niece because you were late.” “So, where y’all at?” Oak must’ve taken the phone away from his ear because Daun could hear him talking to someone in the background. “We are coming home.” “She gon’ drop you off?” “Yes.” “Ard, tell her I said my fault.” “What about thank you?” Oak quizzed. “You forgot me.” “My bad, bul…it won’t happen again.” “You cannot respect someone, but disrespect their time, Moko—” Oak was about to rant but Daun already knew the quote by Mokokoma Mokhonoana because his brother loved to recite it anytime they were late.

Oak took punctuality and someone’s word to heart.

If you told him you would do something, he held that person to that. “Ard, Oak,” he cut him off. “Tell her I said thank you.” “What else? I like direct apologies that are given swiftly without equivocation.” Daun heavily sighed, “I apologize.” “...

“MacArthurrrrrrr…” Freek called his name loud as hell from the front of the house. The moment people learned what his mother named him, they always tried to be funny at his “lover boy ass middle name.” Nobody would have known if it weren’t for Travis. Now many people called him that to be funny. “You not funny,” Daun said, stoned faced, walking outside onto the porch playfully pushing his friend. “What you got on my forty big money?” “These nuts,” Daun retorted, plopping down into one of the chairs. “Fuck you want?” “Wait for Player,” Freek responded, tapping away at his phone. “Where Truck at? I been tryna get up wit that nigga all day.” “He in the crib, sleep.” “Oh…he good?” “To be honest, ion know. He only talk to Oak.”

“Why you have a baby wit her?” Freek challenged. “Cause you a bitch ass nigga, that’s why.” Player leaned up against the railing. “For real though, I love my baby but fuckin’ that hoe was the worst thing I ever did. I’on even get mad when Paula curse me out bout it no more. I start yellin’ at me too right wit her. Like nigga you is stupid and that’s what you get for stickin’ ya nasty dick in anything,” he said, in a fake girl voice, making Daun and Freek howl with laughter. “She start beatin’ on me, I help her whoop my own ass.”

“So, what the fuck you want nigga?” he looked to Freek. “I’m upset and need to be alone with my feelings.” “You a bitch,” Daun laughed at his cousin.

“Shit,” Freek shrugged. “I ain’t know her ass and a pretty face don’t mean shit to me. These bitches be more ruthless than niggas. She coulda came in blindin’ us with them that lil fat ass and small perky titties, big ass glasses, lookin’ like a sexy ass nerd then hit the whole block.” “Damn,” Daun leaned away, as Player cracked up. “You descriptive as fuck.” “Nigga just say you wanna fuck her.” “Shit, I bet I could.”

Something about how Daun expressed those words lit Benz’s pilot. It hadn’t been ignited for some time, so the feeling was definitely recognized immediately.

Whenever your mother shouted your name followed by nothing that meant to get your butt up and go see what she wanted. “Ahhh,” Truck teased. “You gotta go get her remote.”

“When I think about Benz…how nice she is to me. Her pretty eyes and…the way she moves around at work. How she whips icing. It…it makes my thing poke up.” “Ard Ma,” Daun rubbed his forehead. “Give us the room right quick.” “You better not corrupt my baby boy.” “I’m not a baby,” Oak grunted. “My thing is up so I’m a man now.”

“Because I remember what you said. Was it my body or my mind?” “And?” “I was looking up friendships, like boy-girl and I realized that I want that more than dating her. Because what if we do go out together and it doesn’t work out? Then I’m losing her romantically and as a friend. I want her friendship way more. It means more to me.”

“Truck…” Oak drawled, rubbing his forehead in embarrassment. “What?” he answered with a mouthful of lemon meringue. “Damn, this shit good!” “Put the gun away.” “Oh,” Truck forgot it was even in his hand. “My fizzle.”

“No, no…I still think she’s beautiful but as a friend. Lottie? It was more than my body parts. Daun said with Benz it was just physical. She…she…” “Turned you on, nigga.” “Yea…” “And what Lottie make you feel?” “My heart got hard.” “What?!” Truck burst into a loud cackle. He was slamming his body into the couch from how hard he was laughing. “This man said his heart got hard.” “I’m serious, Trucky.” “Come on, nigga, relax wit that shit.” “Then take me serious.” “Ard,” Truck began lacing the blunt with weed. “What made your heart get hard?”

Daun’s core. That was where Benz had penetrated. The tightness in his chest? That was where her words had struck. This time, it wasn’t painful in the slightest.

Loss, that’s only for the span of a lifetime but love…love lasts forever…and we’ll always have that. Out of everything Benz said, he couldn’t get those specific words out of his head. Reaching over, Daun grabbed her neck placing the softest, sweetest kiss she ever received on her lips. An escaped gasp from her mouth to his, as he inhaled the soul out of it. Whatever she gave, Daun sucked it in, wanting to have every piece of her. Benz hadn’t been touched in a year. The way his full lips engulfed hers felt like they were exchanging spirits. Daun was now Benz, and Benz was now Daun. They’d switched places temporarily and somehow controlled one another. Something was shifting and Benz couldn’t make any sense of the movement in her earth’s slowly moving plate tonics. Her heart was racing as he laid her down gently—his body wedged between her thighs, the middle of her leggings now soaked with a mixture of their confusion.

Tearing off her clothes, Daun just wanted to see what was beneath. Not the physical nakedness of what God created so perfectly but try to get a glimpse as to who and what the fuck this woman called Benz was made of to have him feeling so drunk off her ecstasy and higher than the weed. Daun didn’t stop kissing her, he couldn’t. Even if Benz could get a word in, they’d all been taken away. Naked on her own sofa, in her business, with a man on top of her causing her heart to do leaps against her chest. She knew beneath her was a wet mess. Daun finally broke their kiss, removing his shirt giving her a glimpse of the artwork that decorated his beautiful dark skin. Pepper written in large letters across his chest with so much writing sh...

Daun had never been scared of pussy in his life but if she could make him this delirious, should he really trust what was on the inside? It was worth the risk. The only clothing between them was now Daun’s boxer briefs and the anticipation had built to capacity as he was bursting at the seams and she was soaking through leather. Leather.

They were moving purposeful, into and against one another. There was a goal here. Easily lifting Benz, Daun set out to reach said goal. “Mmmm…” she whimpered, as he effortlessly bounced her up and down on his never-ending length. She’d mentally noted to count them inches later. “Harder.” “Don’t say that…” Daun warned. “Harder,” Benz insisted, glaring at him with the happiest anger he’d ever seen.

“The fuck is you all smilin’ and shit for?” Benz mocked him, rolling her eyes and Player chuckled.

“A-hole, but nah, I’m fuckin’ witchu. I was genuinely remorseful for cheatin’ on my ex, but she would not give me another chance for nothin’, so I took that shit on the chin. G’s fuck up too.” “As long as you know. Has she forgiven you?” “Yea, she work here and shit.” “Really?” “Mhm…” then Daun thought about it. “Why? You don’t like that? You want me to fire her?” “Daun!” “I’m just playin’ man,” he lifted her hand kissing the back of it, a simple gesture she adored.

“Yea baby.” “Uh!” Benz held her heart, pausing in the middle of the stairs. “You called me baby. I’m your baby?” “You wanna be?” he asked seriously. “Okay!” Daun shook his head knowing she would agree to anything that night. “It’s so beautiful in here, I love it.” “Thank you, B.”

Shit, I can’t judge nobody but if I ever say somethin’ it’s cause I care. I would never intentionally hurt your feelings.” “You…you care about me?” “Yea…” Daun kissed her wet lips. “I do.” “Because of what we did at my bakery?” “What we do?” he asked, as if he didn’t recall. “Hm?” he licked her pouty lips then pressed into them hard causing Benz to release a low whimper. “What we do at your bakery, B?”

On Daun’s dick, she would be okay. “I just wanted to be a sense of relief for you, B…” Daun helped her sliver on top of him. Her back arching deeper with every thrust as his fingers dug into the sides of her waist. “Like…you gave me that night…when we did what we did at your bakery.”

“Then let me talk to you since you in trouble either way,” Daun pressed into her, the basketball shorts he wore making his intentions clear. “Talk about what?” “I fuck witchu so heavy, Benzari.” Not her full name on his tongue. Benz watched his hand slowly glide between her legs, playing around in the pool of him. They never broke eye contact as he took those same fingers and put them in his mouth. Still watching, now smirking, Daun bent her over a bit, same hand, unleashing the beast.

“He said the two of you were together for years and you never cheated even though you could’ve. The one time you did was when…when…” Oak’s head dropped. “You know,” he refused to finish. “I read on the internet that grieving is a personal process that has no time limit nor one right way to do it. A significant loss can also trigger cheating.”

“These are for you,” she presented them to him, and he couldn’t even fight the big ass smile on his face. “Here…” “What the fuck?” Daun accepted the huge arrangement. Never in his entire life had he personally received flowers. From anyone. Benz was making him feel like a bitch. “Naw man…why is you givin’ me these?” “Because.” “Because what?” “Because…because you make me feel good so…I wanted to make you feel good.” A person couldn’t give what they didn’t have.

“You ain’t gotta give me shit for doin’ somethin’ I wanna do, B.” “I know but I’m a giver, and…well…and nothing. Just accept them. Please…” “Bro,” Daun shook his head. He was speechless. “There’s something really special about these flowers,” Benz mentioned. “And what’s that?” he quizzed turning them on an angle to get a better view. Benz reached into the bouquet pulling off one of the buds then took a bite. Daun’s face was scrunched up in disgust until his eyes fell on the center of the flower. It…it was cake.

You took me into your world, now let me welcome you into mine. – B Those were the words on the card Benz inserted in the flowers, along with an address.

“I asked you if it was any niggas up in here,” he jested, making Benz suck her teeth. “Big ass damn dog. He a mastiff?”

“You don’t have to justify yourself.” “See…” Daun turned over on his back, placing his hands behind his head. “You said that before and I let it ride cause I mean…we was new, everything was happenin’ at once. But now…you my girl and it actually do matter.” “Hold, hold, hold…” Benz sat up with her hand in the air. “We’re boyfriend-girlfriend?” “What you thought?” “Don’t lie.” “Fuck I gotta lie for? You my bitch, my one and only.”

Daun didn’t even stir from the sudden interruption. Opening his heavy eyes slowly, they met the big sad orbs he fell in… What the fuck…he couldn’t process the next thought properly. Was he in love with Benz?

“I…” she sighed. “I’m just gonna say it. I care for you so deeply, Daun, I really do. I don’t know what the rules on love are but…if the feelings I get whenever I talk or see you means what I think it does then I know I’m falling for you. As a person, friend, lover, and so much more. I’ve never felt so safe and cared for by someone in my life. I found laughter again with you. Fun. I found my smile, personality, confidence, adventure and…love. I found love again through you and I just want you to know how grateful I am to you for bringing those things back into my life. I need you to understand that.”

Shay loudly popped her tongue. “Gon’ talk about ain’t nobody said cause I’m not fuckin’ wit her that you didn’t have to, and I said well good! Bitch ass nigga! Then I told him he a dummy for fumblin’ you over some shit that had nothin’ to do wit my bitch! That’s why that nigga sad now.” “Stop…” “He is!” Shay shouted. Benz was used to her elevated vocals. “Be all mad, not wantin’ to party wit us no more…but ooh,” she brought her voice down low. “I got the tea doe.” “Tea? On what?” “Candice big ass! She been on dick so heavy but Daun be curvin’ her weird ass. Like just because he not wit his bitch for now,” she emphasized. “Don’t mean he wanna get back witchu Shamu!”

“Girl guess what?” Shay leaned her breasts that were popping out against the glass. “What?” “I’m pregnant.” “Oh my gosh!” Benz squealed giving her a big hug. “Congratulations!” “Hoe ain’t no congratulations shit. I shoulda never let that hoe ass nigga nut in me. Talkin’ bout,” she put on a man voice. “One-time ain’t gon’ do shit. Yea well look at us now dummy. Ooh I hate him!” “Who is the dummy?” “Freek!” “Nooooo…” “Yes bitch, we bouta have a baby and he talkin’ bout it’s time to hang my hoodrat shit up. Ummm…I slapped the spit out his bitch ass

“Oak please…for me.” “I don’t know,” Oak sighed with worry. He hated keeping secrets. “Can’t we at least⁠—” “I will tell him, I promise. Let me heal and process that I just had a baby first.” A cryptic pregnancy. A cryptic pregnancy is what they were calling it. They weren’t very common but when doctors did witness them it was always something special to see. Most of the time mothers don’t show or even have any symptoms related to pregnancy. Dr. Hynahmen, who delivered her baby, predicted had the incident not occurred that day, she probably would’ve gone full term. Benz gave birth to a two-pound, two ounce and eleven-inch baby girl. To say she was shocked was an understatement.

“She is beautiful,” Oak complimented, staring at his tiny niece in the incubator. “Benz…” “Hm?” “She looks like my brother.” “I know,” Benz playfully rolled her eyes. “Mom,” the nurse began touching things. “If you’d like, these two holes are for your arms, you can touch her.” “I can?” “Of course, this is your daughter.”

“Oh,” Oak turned to him. “Look what Benz got me for my birthday?” he held his pendant towards him. “Isn’t it cool?” “That shit icey bul, B got you right.” “I know,” Oak sat back with a smile. “I love her so much.” “Yea?” Daun nodded. “Me too,” he mumbled.