What's Left of Me

by Kristen Granata

But sometimes, silence is easier than navigating around all the egg shells lying at my feet.

This book is gonna wreck me… I can already tell..

“The most difficult part of this whole thing,” Melissa continues, “is coming to terms with the fact that you allowed someone to hurt you. You’ll question yourself, if you haven’t begun doing that already, which is natural. But I want you to remember what we talked about when you first started your sessions with me. Your father had narcissistic tendencies, which turned you into a people-pleaser. Being the child of a narcissist, you were blamed for things that you didn’t do, things that you had no control over. This, in turn, created a need to fix within you. Hear me when I say you cannot fix anyone but yourself. You can change, and grow, and become a stronger person who doesn’t feel the need to fix everyone around them. Right now, you need to focus on fixing yourself.”

“I know you regret putting your hands on me. I know this isn’t something you take pleasure in. But apologizing doesn’t do anything to fix the problem, Paul. An apology becomes a lie if you keep doing the thing you’re sorry for.” He nods. “I get it. Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I want to fix it, Callie. I don’t want to lose you.” “I don’t know how to fix the kind of problem you have. I think you need to go to therapy, or anger management.” “Done. I’ll do it. I’ll go tomorrow.” I chew my bottom lip. “Is that enough?” he asks. “If I get help, will that make you come back home?” “I ... I don’t know.” His head jerks back. “What are you saying?” “I don’t know.” I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and my index finger. “I don’t have a solution. I don’t have an answer for you. All I do know is that you need help, and so do I.” His hand clamps over my knee. “We can go together. We can work through this. I know we can.” “I think we need to go separately before we can go together.” “Fine. I’ll go alone. Whatever you want me to do, it’s done.” That doesn’t sit right with me. “Paul, do you realize what you just said?” His head tilts. “What?” “You said you’ll do whatever I want you to do. But this isn’t about what I want. This is about what you need. What you should want for yourself. I don’t want you to go to therapy because you think that’s what will get me to forgive you. I want you to go to therapy because you want to.” “You know what I mean, Callie. Of course I...

I lean away from him, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands. “I need some time to think, Paul.” His eyebrows dip down. “Think about what?” “About what I’m going to do.” “You need to think about whether or not you want to be with me?” He scoffs, shaking his head. “How can you say you love me but not know if you want to be with me?” I rise from the couch and look down at him. “The same way you can tell me you love me and hit me.”

Gertie points her finger in my face. “Now, you listen to me, and you listen good. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I am going to tell you this. The right person won’t ask you to sacrifice who you are for his love. Losing yourself in a relationship is never an option. You’re the most important thing you’ve got. You can love someone with your whole heart and still stay true to yourself. If he doesn’t like that, then he’s not the one for you. Do you understand?”

“I’m good. Some days are tougher than others, but I feel better now than I did when I was living with Paul. It’s like an insane amount of weight was lifted off me. It’s crazy to think that I was okay living in fear like that for so long.” “It’s not crazy,” Jennifer says. “You were comfortable in your situation. It was familiar to you.” Carrie nods. “Change is scary as fuck.”