What's Left of Me

by Kristen Granata

Paul drank too much last night, and everything we’ve been holding in for the last three years came to a head. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have let things get to that point. I shouldn’t have spoken up. I’ll do better.

The man points his index finger at me, revulsion rolling off his tongue with each syllable. “You self-righteous, pretentious little princess.”

“Because I meant what I said last night. It won’t happen again.” I nod, unsure of what he wants me to say to that. It wasn’t the first time he put his hands on me, nor was it the first time he promised that it won’t happen again. I want to call him out on that. I want to ask him why he feels the need to hurt me in order to get his point across.

His hand shoots out for my wrist, but I jerk my arm back, gasping as I recoil at the sudden contact. “Whoa.” He holds his palms up on either side of his head. “Not gonna hurt you.”

He raises his arm, and I duck behind my forearm on instinct. “Shit,” he mutters, merely reaching up to adjust the brim of his hat. “Why are you so jumpy?” “I’m not jumpy. You’re jumpy!” The corner of his mouth twitches, and his eyes sparkle with amusement. “Good one.”

Something flashed in those eyes of hers, something worldly. Like she’d seen too much, experienced more than someone her age should have. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t even see me standing there in the middle of the walkway.

“So, anyway,” Josie says, continuing the conversation I barged in on, “Serenity pulled down her sweater, and there were all these bruises on her arm.” Dan’s head cocks to the side. “Bruises?” Josie runs her index finger from her shoulder to her elbow. “Like someone had grabbed her too hard.” “What did she say about it?” Josie’s eyes roll. “She lied. She claimed Paul got rough during sex.” “Could be true.” Dan hikes a shoulder. “Paul hasn’t complained about their lack of sex in a while. Maybe things are back to normal between them.”

Josie’s voice lowers. “I think Callie’s husband is hitting her.” My jaw stops moving, and I immediately think back to our encounter earlier. The woman flinched every time I moved. Like she expected it. Like she was used to someone raising his hands to her. Not my business. I shovel another bite into my mouth. “Bruises don’t mean she’s getting abused.”

“Crap.” My cheeks burn, and I drop to my knees to start cleaning the mess. Cole crouches beside me. “Why don’t you go get cleaned up?” He touches my hand, his voice gentle. “Go upstairs. Take a minute.” I nod, keeping my head down, and then I bolt out of the kitchen.

Quick to explain myself, I wave my arm in front of my dress. “Spilled onion dip on myself like a klutz.” Paul presses his lips to my temple, eyes locked on Cole in the mirror. “That’s my clumsy girl.”

Paul doesn’t seem like a bad guy. I have no reason to buy into Josie’s accusation. And even if he is beating on Callie, that’s none of my business. It’s up to Callie to leave his piece-of-shit ass. I don’t know the girl. We’re not friends. To her, I’m just the scumbag living in the pool house.

None of that equates to domestic abuse. Those bruises on her arm, though ... I’d finally seen them for myself, and they definitely equate to something.

“Miles wanted to ask you to play volleyball in the pool earlier, but Brandon told him not to. His exact words were ‘Uncle Cole doesn’t like us.’” My gut twists.

“I won’t say it anymore if it really bothers you.” “It does.” She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “But not because you’re wrong.” Ah, shit. “Hey, listen. Forget about what I said. I was angry.”

Cole can’t save me. I don’t need saving. I’m not some damsel in distress locked in her ivory tower. I make my own choices, and I’ve made my bed here. I have a wonderful life filled with wonderful things. Life’s not always perfect, but I have to appreciate what I have.

When you’re in a dangerous situation, people say you have one of two choices: fight or flight. You react on instinct, without thinking. Your body knows what to do. Either you kick your attacker in the balls, or you run away. But I can’t do either of those things, because my attacker is my husband.

I put myself in Paul’s shoes and try to understand his anger. If I can understand why he reacts the way he does, learn what triggers him, then maybe I can prevent this from happening again. I’ve gotten good at tiptoeing around his temper. Paul isn’t a wife beater. He isn’t a bad person. He loves me, but he’s frustrated, and he’s hurting.

Something just doesn’t feel right. Something deep in my gut. Felt it the moment I saw the look in Callie’s eyes when Paul came home two days ago. Fear. On top of that, Josie said she’d invited Callie over yesterday, but she declined, stating she was sick. Yet she looked fine the other day.

I nudge his paws off my chest and use this opportunity to snatch the hat from Callie’s head. She gasps and attempts to shield her eyes with her hands. But it’s too late. Every muscle in my body goes stiff, and my stomach bottoms out. I clench my jaw so hard that it feels like my teeth might shatter. A bright-purple splotch stains her right cheek, on the bone just under her eye. “What. The. Fuck. Is. That?”

“Fine. If you won’t tell me, I’ll just wait until Paul comes home, and then I’ll ask him what happened to your face.” “No!” Her hands fly up to her mouth. And there it is. The truth hanging there in the space between us. My voice turns sinister. “He hurt you.” “Please. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“You’re not fooling her. You know that, right?” She looks so pitiful, so broken, standing there with her hair a wreck and that bruise on her tear-stained cheek. A fragment of my heart splinters off and drops at her feet. I want to help her. Want to fix it for her. But I don’t know how. “Thank you for all of this,” she says, waving her arm at the bags scattered below. “I appreciate it more than you know. But you can’t be here. I need you to go.” “Before he gets home.” It’s not a question. I know what she means.

“Give me your phone. I want you to have my number in case ... in case you need it.” “That won’t be necessary.” “I’m not leaving until you do.” I hold my hand out. She groans and walks back into her house. While I wait, I crouch down to stroke Maverick’s head. “You have to protect her, Mav.” He rests his head on my knee and lets out a heavy sigh.

“You don’t have to go through this, Callie. You deserve better.”

“Hey, brother. How was work?” I stalk over to her, unable to contain my rage another second longer. “You were right.” Her eyebrows dip down as she stands. “Right about what?” I stab the air with my index finger in the direction of Callie’s house. “Her husband hits her.” Josie’s hand clamps over her mouth. “How do you know this?”

“I’ll talk to Dan when he gets home. He’s the level-headed one. Maybe he can come up with a plan to help Callie.” “I’ll, uh, come by for dinner tonight.” I lift my eyes to hers. “If that’s okay.” A smile breaks on Josie’s face. “Of course it’s okay.”

“It definitely keeps you guys on your toes.” He sits back against his chair and crosses his arms over his chest. “Josie told me about Callie.” I swallow the food in my mouth and drop my fork onto the table. “You’re friends with Paul.” He nods with a heavy sigh. “Can’t imagine the guy doing something like that. I’ve known him for years.”

Dan runs his hand over his buzz cut. “I think you have to talk to her first. You’re her best friend. Tell her you know about what Paul’s been doing. Let her know we’re here to help her in any way we can. See what she says.” Josie splays her fingers on the table. “But what if she doesn’t leave him? Most women in her situation stay with the monsters who beat them.” “You can’t force her to do something she’s not ready to do,” Dan says. “All you can do is let her know that she has a safe place here if she needs somewhere to go.”

“You wouldn’t have to worry about that. You’d come stay with me and Dan. We’d help you get on your feet.” “I know you’d be there for me. I just meant long-term. I don’t have a job. I don’t have my own money.” I pop a mac-and-cheese bite into my mouth. “I give Cole a lot of credit for coming out here and starting over. I don’t know if I could do something like that.”

“You can do anything, Callie Kingston. You hear me?” I laugh. “Yes, best friend. I hear you.” “I’m serious.” She slides her wine glass to the side of the table. “You could stay with us for as long as you needed to. We have plenty of room. You have a college degree, so you’d have no trouble finding a decent job to start out with. Plus, you’d get alimony from Paul in the divorce settlement.”

Her eyes narrow as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Maybe you should be.” Realization slaps me in the face. Shit shit shit shit. “Cole told you.” She grimaces as she leans forward. “Callie, why wouldn’t you tell me? Why are you hiding this?” I roll my eyes, angry with myself for not seeing this ambush coming. “That’s what this girls’ night is really about.”

“Enough!” My palm slams on the table, garnering the looks from several people nearby. Josie sits back against her chair, a smug smirk on her face. “Good. So, you do have some fight left in you.”

Josie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Are you saying you deserve this? That you deserve to be abused?” “You have a perfect marriage and a perfect family. You don’t know what it’s like to feel like everything around you is crumbling.” “You’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how my best friend can lie to my face about the fact that her husband is mistreating her.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Josie says, her voice low. “I don’t know if I can sit and watch you go through this, not saying a word, pretending like everything is fine.”

“Then I guess the only way you can help me is by taking me home.”

“I didn’t understand what they were talking about.” He pauses, looking down at Maverick. “Uncle Cole seemed really angry.” “Cole was there too?” He nods. “They’ve been doing a lot of whispering lately. I don’t get it.”

“Look, Josie has been upset all week, and I feel like it’s my fault. I didn’t mean to cause a fight between you two.” Callie shakes her head. “It’s not your fault. She’s your sister. I don’t blame you for saying something to her.” Of course she doesn’t blame me. Callie Kingston never blames anyone but herself. It’s infuriating. I wish I could rip those stupid sunglasses off her face and see her.

You don’t have to live stuck in this pathetic excuse of a life. You can get out … before it’s too late.” She lifts her chin. “I love my life. I don’t want out.” “I think you do.” “You don’t know anything about me to even make that statement.”

drop my hand from Callie’s face and run it through my hair. “I think the question you need to ask yourself is: Why don’t you care about what happens to you?”

“Josie will still be here for you when your husband hits you again. And he will hit you again. You’re deluding yourself if you think he’ll stop.”

I take my time chewing and swallow. “The neighbor across the street from my sister is getting hit by her husband. The guy’s a real piece of shit.” “Damn.” Billy whistles. “I bet she doesn’t want to leave him. Women always want to stay with the men who abuse them.”

“She found out? Or you told her?” I shake my head. “I didn’t tell her!” “Then how did she find out, Callie?” “Because ... Cole ... he came by the house and saw the bruise on my cheek.” His face reddens as a crazed look takes over his eyes. “Cole.”

Dan bends down and throws Paul’s arm around his neck. “I’ll get him into the house. Josie, take Callie inside.” I shake my head. “I want to help.” Dan’s eyes meet mine. “You’re the one who needs help, Callie. Go. I’ve got him.” Josie wraps her arm around my shoulders. “Come on.” I watch as Dan helps Paul to his feet and walks him back toward the house. My house. And now, it’s no longer a home.

“I don’t know how I got here. Things weren’t supposed to go this way.” “I know,” Josie whispers. “Life doesn’t always go along with the plans we make for ourselves.”

Her chin drops to her chest. “Oh, I’m sorry. Of course. Go ahead. I didn’t mean to bother you.” I kneel down and tuck my finger under her chin, tilting her head until she’s looking back at me. “Nothing you do could ever be a bother to me. You hear me?”

That makes me laugh even harder, and I slap my palm against my thigh, unable to speak or catch my breath. I can’t remember the last time I laughed, let alone a laugh this hard, but I can’t help myself. Kindhearted, sweet, reserved Callie just called my ex-wife a bitch.

Dan’s words from last night echo in my mind. You’re the one who needs help, Callie. It’s true. I need help. How could I expect to help Paul when I’m such a mess inside?

“Well, at least you’ll have it when you are.” She pauses. “Callie, everything is going to be okay. I know it seems scary right now, but you’re going to get through this. I’m here for you, and I’m going to help you. I won’t let Paul hurt you again.” I know she won’t, but the real question is, why did I? “Come down and have something to eat when you’re ready. We can come up with a plan. I know that’s what’s bouncing around in that head of yours.”

“You know I cook when I’m anxious.” “Mom’s worried about you,” Brandon says. Miles hits his arm. “You’re not supposed to talk about it, Mom said!” Josie buries her face in her hands. “Smooth, boys. Real smooth.” I smile. “It’s okay. This is your house. We can talk about whatever you want here.” Brandon’s big brown eyes meet mine from across the table. “Did Paul really hurt you, Callie?” I nod. “He did.” “I’m glad Uncle Cole beat his face in.”

A tear slides down his face as he nods. “I’m just so mad at Paul.” “We all are,” Miles chimes in. “I think Paul needs help. Sometimes, people have problems that can’t be solved on their own. It’s hard to understand why they do the things they do, and they don’t mean to be the way they are.” “So, hopefully, Paul gets the help he needs.” Josie claps her hands. “End of story. Now clear your plates and go be kids.”

I push to my feet and take a few tentative steps. Paul rushes toward me, arms outstretched, and a sob escapes him. I remain where I stand and let him wrap his arms around me, engulfing me in his embrace. “We’ve both been a mess here without you. I’m so sorry, Callie. I’m sorry. Please believe me.”