The Eyes Are the Best Part

by Monika Kim

“Do you think I’m unlucky?” Umma asked. “No,” Ji-hyun softly replied. She was afraid, her hands clasping the edge of the table. Her knuckles were white. “Why?” Umma shrugged and pointed at the pile of fish on the table. “Fish eyes are good luck. If I eat one, maybe it will bring your father back.”

For the first time that evening, Umma laughed with sincerity. “I won’t make you girls eat it,” she said, smiling through her tears. “If anything, I’m glad you don’t want to try. Your mother needs all the luck she can get.”

She never dared to argue with my father, who in our home was both a king and a god. His word was law; the rest of us, his pawns, did what we were told to do.

I opened my mouth, unable to stifle the frustration growing inside me. It came up like bile, the need to say something mean and biting, the desire to cut her down for her stupidity. The want to make her feel small. But soon, that feeling gave way to sadness. I felt sorry for her. Sorry that every part of her life had been characterized by misery. Sorry that even now, she was suffering.

Normally, I would stop her, but today I let her scratch and scratch until she’s bleeding.

She looks hurt. I should feel bad, but I don’t. If anything, I feel better—like I’ve transferred some of my pain to her.

Is this real, or is it a dream? I can’t tell. I can’t. But why does my thigh hurt? Why can I feel droplets of blood running down my leg?

She’s too preoccupied to see my unraveling. Ji-hyun, on the other hand, sees everything.

What is the truth?

Men like George aren’t like us. Not like me, not like Ji-hyun. Not even my father, another man, can compare because George’s power doesn’t come only from the fact that he has a penis. It comes from his whiteness. For us, that kind of certainty and self-assuredness is an impossibility.

Crawl, you pathetic cockroach. Crawl.

I should feel horrified, but I don’t. I feel nothing.

Is this what it takes to make our fathers return to us?