The Eyes Are the Best Part

by Monika Kim

But if that’s the case, why is every eye here blue? They surround me, watching. They recognize me. They know what I want, and they’re begging for me to take them.

“Uh huh.” He rolls his eyes. “I’ve talked to girls like her before, and it’s always bullshit and drama with them. I can’t stand it. I thought you knew better, Ji-won.” He takes a step toward me. I take one backward. “You’re not like other girls. That’s why I like you.” You’re right. I’m not like other women.

“I’m sorry, Geoffrey, but I have to go.” He steps aside to let me pass, but before I can go, he calls out, “I’d be cautious around Alexis, Ji-won. You should think about why she’s trying to drive a wedge between us.”

Everything is hazy. My eyes are filled with stars. An airplane crosses the sky, its lights blinking. The man’s eyes are blue. And he is dead.

The eye stares at me from the floor. I pick it up and wash it. Don’t you want to taste it, Ji-won? I don’t. I can’t. He was already dead when you found him. You did nothing wrong. But I did. I did. Isn’t this what you wanted? Not like this. It’s too late to have regrets now.

It’s delicious. The flavor is rich and full. It’s not like the fish eyes I’ve tried. Not at all. If anything, it’s more like organ meat, with a slightly metallic, beefy taste. I chew and swallow until I’ve eaten the whole thing. All that’s left behind is the aftertaste of salt and brine.

I turn to go, but the students who were only a second ago studying are now staring, their gazes fixated on me. They know what I’ve done. They know.

Their skin stretches and grows; holes begin appearing all over their bodies, and in each hole an eye emerges, bright blue and staring. I cover my face with my hands and run.

All I can hear in my mind is, “The younger one’s got an ass. Always bouncing around in tiny shorts, too, the little slut.” Over and over again I hear him say it. Slut. My little sister. My Ji-hyun. I want to slit his throat in front of all of them.

Perhaps it’s because she’s used to making herself small. Perhaps it’s because she’s spent a lifetime making herself inconspicuous for men like my father and George. Maybe it’s an unconscious reflex now.

we sit on Alexis’s squashy couch, our thighs touching. It makes my heart race, being so close to her, and I take a shaky breath, hoping she doesn’t notice.

How do I explain to her that the home I miss isn’t a place? It’s a time when my life made sense. When things made sense.

Then the idea comes to me that sometimes, when I’m with her, it feels something like home, too.

I’m laughing and she’s laughing, and she stops abruptly, her breathing heavy. I’m hyperaware of the shrinking distance between us and the smell of her perfume

She doesn’t seem to notice that I’m sweating and out of breath. Why is she avoiding your gaze? You made her uncomfortable.

She pushes me again, and this time, I’m so caught off-guard by it that I fall flat on my butt. Alexis looks horrified, her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that.” I grab her and pull her down until she tumbles on top of me.

He removes his hand finger by finger, as if it’s painful for him to release me. “Fine,” he says, stalking away. My eyes bore holes into the back of his head. If you touch me like that again, I’ll break your fingers one by one.

Without thinking, I turn off the flashlight, shoving the phone into my pocket. It’s so dark, Ji-won. You can do anything you want. My eyes adjust. I can’t hear anything except my own ragged breathing. There’s an awful stench in the air. Urine. Garbage. Decay.

His eyes are closed again, but I want to see. I touch his eyelashes. They’re soft. Delicate. Underneath his skin, I can feel the firmness of his eyeball, imagine the ripeness of his juicy, tender flesh.

I know that feeling of despair. It’s how I felt the day my father left.

Is this what it takes to make our fathers return to us?

“I need to stay at my apartment for a few days,” he tells my mother. “Just for a short while. I’m so busy, and this is my biggest client. It’s too hard to focus with JW and JH running around all the time.” You fucking creep. I’ve seen everything. Your dating app profile. The images you’ve saved.

There’s a whimper, and I’m taken back to that time nearly a year ago, when my father told her he was leaving.

Funny how things never change. Here I am, wide awake. My mother is crying. And once again, she is powerless.

It must be nice to be so assured of your safety that you don’t have to worry about being alone at night or getting in the wrong car.

“Uber?” he asks, slurring his words. “Yeah.” “Didn’t know they let Asian chicks do Uber,” he mutters, before spewing out some other unintelligible gibberish.

No. It’s not George. It’s Geoffrey. But how? I drop my hands, teetering backward, and fall, landing hard in the dirt. I crawl toward him, and only then does the illusion finally disappear. It’s the same boy from the coffee shop. This time, I’m certain.

I love you for who you are on the inside.” He tries to touch me, his fingers brushing against my skin. I push him away. “I can’t keep going like this, pretending I don’t feel this way. I can’t sit in class knowing you’re just a few feet away. We belong together.”

There’s a screeching pain in my head, and all I can think about is how I need to get away. Scrambling up, I gasp. “No, Geoffrey, I don’t like you. Please. I can’t do this right now.”

I hurt people on purpose. I stole my cousin’s Game Boy when I was twelve. I tricked my friends and manipulated them.

“You both need to be careful,” she said. “I know that the plant is pretty, but poison is everywhere, even in the places where you least expect it.”

The blood. The fingerprints. Your DNA is everywhere. All they need to do is look, and they’ll find everything. And the knife. You have to dispose of it. Drop it in the LA River and let it be carried out to sea. Drown your transgressions in the Pacific Ocean.

I should be worrying about the knife and about getting caught, but all I can think about is Alexis. I feel bad for accusing her, but at the same time, I’m bitter. She’s supposed to be your friend. She’s supposed to understand you. But she’s just like everyone else.

I dig my nails into my palm. The pain diverts my attention. Without it, I know I would fall apart. I imagine my body breaking off into thousands of little fragments, scattering across the ground.

My hands are shaking so hard that I nearly drop my phone when I wrestle it out from my pocket. I’m going to ruin you.

As usual, there’s an extra place setting on the table. A set of utensils that will not be used tonight.

“Fine, JW,” he says. I glance at the clock on his dashboard, at the red numbers crawling like ants. “You caught me. I’m a man. I do what all men do. Congrats. Can I go now?”

Umma allowed the men in her life to control her, to tell her what to do, to make all the big decisions for her. Without them, she’s lost, adrift at sea.