The Eyes Are the Best Part

by Monika Kim

There are some things that you can never truly escape. Not really. Maybe that’s why, even now, she’s stuck in the past, long after everyone else has moved on.

In Korean, the word for “fortune” is palja. It comes from the term saju palja, which means “the four pillars of destiny.” These four pillars are based on the year, month, day, and hour of a person’s birth.

You can cheat destiny once, maybe twice if you’re lucky. But as Koreans, we understand that the course of our lives is invariably determined by our palja.

Ji-hyun’s furious voice drifts from Umma’s room. “I am not wearing that ugly dress! Didn’t you look outside? It’s raining!” “The weatherman didn’t say anything about rain.” “Why do you need a weatherman to tell you? Just look!”

With Ji-hyun and me, Umma is stubborn about getting her way. Maybe because she could never defy Appa, not even a little bit.

Swearing on your mother’s life is something so American, so white, that neither of us can truly understand it. In our culture, swearing on your mother’s life is probably one of the worst sins you can commit. What is there that’s more important than your mother, your father, or your grandparents? It doesn’t sound like George has ever heard of filial piety.

angel’s trumpet

Back then I hated tomatoes, but seeing my father and the joy he was experiencing raised in me a desire I didn’t know I had. I plucked a tomato off the vine and sank my teeth into its skin. It was sun-warmed and firm, the salty-sweet juice exploding over my tongue.

Geoffrey and I are the same. We are both people who are used to being on the outside, looking in.

The door creaks open and in the doorway, our doorway, is George. His eyes are twinkling. “Whoa, whoa. You guys having a pillow fight without me? At least let me watch!” Immediately we scramble away from each other. Ji-hyun crosses her arms over her chest. I smooth my hair down.

He would make Umma buy a hefty turkey, which she fretted and sweated over for hours. It usually came out dry and flavorless, but Appa ate with gusto, piling the meat onto our plates.

I don’t understand it, though I’ve accepted that it’s beyond my control.

Fate can bring you together, but it can just as easily tear you apart.

The day my friends were leaving, I watched them go without them knowing, tears trickling down my face.

His forwardness surprises me, but I know it’s a cultural difference. Geoffrey is being kind. To American kids, this is the type of thing a good friend would do. Oh, you’re fighting with your parents? Come stay at my house. I know there are many things about Korean culture that Geoffrey would find confusing.

“Remember that refrigerator box he kept for ages? He always said, ‘This is in case Ji-won needs a place to stay if she decides to give up on school.’ Ridiculous.”

What is it like to live freely, to live a life untethered, without having to be responsible for everyone around you?

The moon is a crescent, smiling down on me.

As later experiences would confirm, to deal with a man like that, a man like George, you have to pull the rug out from under him. Not all at once, of course; a small tug here, another one there. You don’t back down when he tries to wield his power. Instead, you trip him up by slipping him little lies. Correct him whenever you can. Confuse him. Make him feel foolish. Men like him hate being wrong, hate being embarrassed, hate not being in control. Men like him don’t know what to do when that happens, and they resort to childish displays of anger, temper tantrums, sulking. In spite of this, he won’t be able to do a single thing about it because in the end he’s the one who is weak. The only power he has is the power you are willing to give him, and you’ve given him nothing. Not a scrap. By the time you’re done with him, he’ll be begging for mercy. Who is he if he can’t control you? Is he even a man anymore? It will seem like a relief when you give him a hand, even if that hand is holding a blade. And when you take everything from him, you can say what these men say about us: He was asking for it. He was begging for it. He must have wanted it, since he didn’t fight back.