Hyperbole and a Half

by Allie Brosh

For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it.

But I keep allowing it to happen because, to me, the future doesn’t seem real. It’s just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don’t have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.

Procrastination has become its own solution—a tool I can use to push myself so close to disaster that I become terrified and flee toward success.

I’ve gotten pretty good at making myself feel ashamed. I can even use shame in a theoretical sense to make myself do the right thing BEFORE I do the wrong thing. This skill could be described as “morality,” but I prefer to call it “How Horrible Can I Be Before I Experience a Prohibitive Amount of Shame?”

Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They help me do the right thing. And I am terrified of what I would be without them. Because I suspect that, left to my own devices, I would completely lose control of my life.

But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t

going to work.

I’ve always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things.

The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.

there’s a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck.

The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don’t like can be overwhelming.

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it.

loophole-abusing monster