Lost & Found (Lost & Found, #1)

by Nicole Williams

“We all have secrets, Rowen. Every last person on the planet. And you know what else? We all experience the same kinds of things. We just go through them at different times and to different degrees.”

“If we were to just accept we’re not so different from each other, we wouldn’t feel so alone.”

“We all want to open up to someone, Rowen. The hard part is finding someone we trust enough to open up to. That person we’re not afraid to let into the darkest parts of our world.”

I’d been in some strange situations in my eighteen years of life, seen some crazy shit, but that. . . having the deepest kind of deep conversation with a Montana cowboy I’d met fifteen minutes earlier at a Greyhound station had to rate in the top ten.

Either she was high on the latest and greatest mood-enhancing pharmaceutical, or she was just plain high on life. There was no arguing she was high on something.

No one had ever talked about me that way, like I was so close to perfect the imperfections were washed away.

“The reason you’re pushing me away, and the reason you’ve probably pushed everyone else away, is also the reason you’re here.” Stepping into me, Jesse’s eyes dropped with what I guessed was sadness. “You think you deserve this. You think you deserve to be alone and suffer. You’ve convinced yourself you’re so worthless that you’ve gone to the extreme to punish yourself. You think you deserve a life of misery.”

IF A BRAIN could shrivel up and die from too much contemplation, mine was dangerously close to living out the rest of its days as a pruney, gray raisin.

Every morning we get a chance to be different. A chance to change. A chance to be better. Your past is your past. Leave it there. Get on with the future part, honey.” The laundry room was either the mecca of pure genius or utter insanity.

“Tomorrow morning. Brand new chance. The first day of whatever life you want to have for yourself.” Rose called after me, “Wake up wisely.”

Rose had told me earlier they always kept that one light glowing to remind them that when the night is at its darkest, there’s always a promise of dawn to come.

Jesse was as hardwired to me as I was to him and, right then, that scared me more than anything else. I didn’t like letting people get close. I didn’t want them to see past the smoke and mirrors.

“I’ve only known you a couple of days. That’s not long at all. I don’t know you well enough to pretend like I know you and your problems. But I want to know you. I want to know your problems. That is . . . if you want to know me.”

Jesse Walker had worked his way inside of my impenetrable walls, and I didn’t know how to shove him out. I wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there in the first place. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted him out.

I hated having him next to me as much as I loved it. As far as my relationship with Jesse went, that was pretty much par for course.

Usually I controlled my emotions and the physical reactions accompanying them, but with Jesse, I could do neither. The way I felt about him wouldn’t allow me to hide it.

I didn’t do perfect. I didn’t believe in it and, up until right then, I hadn’t wanted it either.

My whole life was shifting, like I was experiencing my own personal earthquake. I felt the plates shifting and rearranging below the surface. I felt the fire and heat molding and shaping them. I felt change, whether I wanted it or not. It was happening, and I might as well embrace it.

So I didn’t deserve Jesse. That wasn’t exactly a revelation. The revelation was in the light bulb going off that I never would. No matter what I did in the future, nothing could erase my past. Nothing could wash away the filth and dirt of my life before him. It was, to date, the most depressing thought I’d had. For a girl who used to eat depression for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, that was saying something.

That was what I did. That was how I protected myself. I pushed others away before they could do it to me.

I was given the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t labeled a liar because I’d been caught telling one. I wasn’t labeled a good many of the names I’d been called before. I was given a fresh start.

“When you open yourself up to people, you let the bad in with the good. I can’t promise I won’t ever hurt you, Rowen. But it won’t be on purpose. I will never hurt you intentionally. I can promise you that.”

out of your way to push me away, or hurt me, or fall asleep on Garth Black’s lounge chair, when—not if—things get scary. I can tell you don’t want to let people in, that it scares you, but you need to let me in if we’re going to have a fighting chance. You can’t shove me away the moment you let me inside, as much as I know you’ll want to.”

But when I looked into those eyes of his that saw everything, those eyes that saw me, I knew the fight would be worth it. The struggle to let him in when I wanted to barricade the windows and lower the gates would be a battle I’d never regret fighting.

I knew what wanting to be anyone else was like. It was a huge waste. A person could try until they gave themselves an aneurism, but we can’t escape the soul and flesh we were given when we were born. The key was accepting that and getting on with your life.

the next part was the hardest. Giving up what was safe for what could be dangerous. Letting go of the known for the unknown was the scary part.

Happiness wasn’t exactly the right word, though. No word in my vocabulary bank quite worked. Whatever that emotion was, it was the best damn feeling I’d ever had. I wanted his love more than anyone’s . . . I had it.

It wasn’t exactly the stuff fairy tales were made of, but it was my tale. And I’d never envy that Cinderella chick again.

“I’m not telling you because I’m looking for sympathy, Rowen. I’m telling you so you know you’re not alone. So you know you can walk away from a tragic past and live a peaceful life.”

You know all those people who talk about epiphanies and life-changing revelations? Yeah, I’d been positive every last one of them was full of shit up until right then.

I liked edgy clothing and kickass boots. I liked a pair of worn-in jeans and the boots my boyfriend had got me. I could be both. I could be whatever I wanted. The only person holding me back from doing that was me. I’d learned a lot of things that summer, a lot of lessons I’d take with me the rest of my life, but that was perhaps the one I’d hold closest to my heart. My future was wide open for the taking.

I’d come here one person, and I was leaving as that same person. Just that person who had let love into her life.

It didn’t matter where I went or how far, I’d always carry him with me. What he’d done for me was something that didn’t fade with time or distance.

Jesse hadn’t changed me. He just showed me the person I really was—the person I’d convinced myself didn’t exist. The rest was up to me.