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You will occasionally not believe me, but my aim is not to disgust.
* The children were wise to be wary. Compulsive hair-eaters wind up with trichobezoars—human hairballs. The biggest ones extend from stomach into intestine and look like otters or big hairy turds and require removal by stunned surgeons who run for their cameras and publish the pictures in medical journal articles about “Rapunzel syndrome.” Bonus points for reading this footnote on April 27, National Hairball Awareness Day.
The two parted ways over feces. Kellogg’s healthful ideal was four loose logs a day; Fletcher’s was a few dry balls once a week. It got personal. “His tongue was heavily coated and his breath was highly malodorous,” sniped Kellogg.
The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous.
At some point during the experiment, or possibly the follow-up, wherein a live eel was pushed into the stomach and left with “just its head outside,” or one of the dozens of other vivisections, Bernard’s wife walked in. Marie Françoise “Fanny” Bernard—whose dowry had funded the experiments—was aghast. In 1870 she left him and inflicted her own brand of cruelty. She founded an anti-vivisection society. Go, Fanny. *
Meaning “by way of the anus.” “Per annum,” with two n’s, means “yearly.” The correct answer to the question, “What is the birth rate per anum?” is zero (one hopes). The Internet provides many fine examples of the perils of confusing the two.
DePeters took some photographs of me with my right arm in 101.5. The cow appears unmoved. I look like I’ve seen God.
SHOULD CIRCUMSTANCE PREVENT a man from carrying his cigarettes and cell phone in his pants pocket, the rectum provides a workable alternative.
Parks takes two steps and reaches for another large plastic bag. “This is all chargers.” Other bags and boxes contain batteries, earbuds, SIM cards. The slang for the rectum is “prison wallet,” but it could be “Radio Shack.”
The cursor blinks calmly beneath the word MURDER, just like that, in capital letters. Before I have time to process this interesting piece of new information, the prisoner arrives in the hallway outside. I will call him Rodriguez, because I agreed not to disclose his real surname. Borla points to an empty office across the hall. “You guys will be in there.” I glance down at my list of questions, which includes “Might hooping be a form of what the Journal of Homosexuality calls ‘masked anal manipulation’?”
In the words of Anna Dhody, the ghoulishly ebullient Mütter Museum curator, “Every hospital has an ass box.” The emergency medical literature is rife with case reports full of nouns you don’t expect to see in a journal: oil can, parsnip, cattle horn, umbrella handle.
In a more perfect world, Whitehead would be a dermatologist, just as my gastroenterologist is Dr. Terdiman, and the author of the journal article “Gastrointestinal Gas” is J. Fardy, and the headquarters of the International Academy of Proctology was Flushing, New York. *
“Keep your backcountry clean,” says the Fleet Naturals ad copy, over an image of pristine mountain wilderness. “Created specifically for rectal cleansing . . . Mild enough for daily use.” Really? On top of gargling, on top of powdering our feet and perfuming our armpits, now we should worry that our assholes smell?
Back in the 1980s when everyone looked a bit off, my friend Tim and his brothers had some publicity shots taken of their band. Eventually the photographer sold the rights to a stock photo agency. Years later, one of the images turned up on a greeting card. The inside said, “Greetings from the Dork Club.”
Some people have more of the sulfur-producing bacteria. The sulfur-spewers, by the way, prefer to colonize the descending colon, the part nearest the rectum. This is why noxious flatus tends to have heat. The composting happens right near the exit, so the flatus is, as gastroenterologist Mike Jones put it, “hot off the press.”
