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“I’ve been planning this my entire life.” It’s not until Phoebe says it that she realizes it’s true. Not that she’s always wanted to end her life. But it’s been an idea, a self-destruct button Phoebe never forgot was there, even during her happiest moments.
She was always too embarrassed to admit that she ever wanted anything, as if there was something humiliating about being a person with desires.
“She always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day,” Woolf wrote. And it’s true. How easy to be dead. How lucky to be alive, even for just one day.
And maybe that’s it: You do things in the moment for the person you hope you might be two years from now. You don’t kill yourself when you are sad because one day you might not be sad, and you might want to go surfing with a man you really like?
