Fragments (Alabaster Penitentiary, #4)

by Nyla K.

My exterior is stunning. An almost ethereal creature with gem eyes and perfectly chiseled features. On the inside, I’m decaying and rotten. But no one sees that part, so it’s okay.

Hello, candy-coated sex god. He’s fucking gorgeous.

Arrival in Alabaster Penitentiary is like being whacked in the face a bunch of times with a pillowcase filled with bricks, especially if you’ve never been in jail before.

“Mmm… Lex. You taste so good.” Fuck this. Fuck you, you evil, beautiful, slutty little liar.

Fuck, why does it have to feel like this?? Why does it still feel like this? I don’t get it. I fucking hate him.

The problem is that my body has never caught up to my brain where Ren is concerned. That’s always the issue. He fucking corners me, and turns me into a stuttering, bumbling idiot.

“I’m not yours to ruin anymore,” I whisper.

From the moment we met, it was like my soul reached out and grabbed onto him, clutching with desperate, greedy fingers, trying frantically to smoosh him in and make him a part of me.

I know any and all possessiveness I have when it comes to him is irrational. But rationality has never been my strong suit, and where Lexington is concerned, it’s downright impossible.

“Jesus, you’re like a tornado! Destroying everything in your path without an ounce of regard for who you mow down. It’s exhausting!”

You deserve this. Just like Gage holding you down and raw fucking you to pieces… Because you deserve to hurt. To be degraded, ripped apart, and left for dead. It’s all you have to offer.

Warren Xavier seductive manipulation he pulls off so well he could teach it at the college level.

Not only that, I also can’t look at his face without remembering how goddamn stupid he made me feel for trusting him even when I knew it was only going to fuck me up.

“The thing about evil,” she whispers, “is that it masquerades as good. True evil doesn’t look like a monster with horns and a forked tongue. It’s beautiful, charming, and powerful… An exceptional liar, and a master at manipulating its camouflage.” She falls quiet once more. And I sit, helpless, with my mind aching in emotional logic. “There are no heroes in this world, Lex. Just villains with a better disguise.”

I understand who I am, my strengths and my weaknesses. I choose not to let emotions get the best of me, because acting rationally is the best way to keep from floating away in a cloud of the unknown.

Blind following just because someone tells you to directly contradicts our ability to think cognitively. We’re supposed to question things. Our minds are made to do it.

He gave me my awakening. And no matter how many other men I used to fill the void, I could never truly let go of that emotionally distant talisman. Mr. Kade is what brought me into The Edge that day, over a year ago. He’s the reason I’m doing this right now. And yet, I’ve still never been able to get him back.

If I’m meant to take their lives, it’ll be in a blazing spectacle of the part of me they’ve always hated most… my fire. The flames of my soul, a wild, unkempt roar. Sirens blare from off in the distance, but I hear crashing inside the house. They’re far too late. A sinister smile passes over my lips. Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Xavier. Enjoy the burn.

As I drift deeper into my now sated slumber, I remember Ren kissing my neck and whispering that he’d try not to hurt me. And as good as it felt to believe him, I think I always knew it was a lie.

“Face it, Lex,” Ren hisses venomously through the bars. “You will never get over me.” I’m shaking, following Joy up the row while his voice echoes off the walls. “I’ll bend over for every motherfucker in this place until you fucking come back to me!!”

Sure, they didn’t get me, and they never really tried. But I also didn’t make an effort to bring them into my world. It’s a two-way street, but we were driving in opposite directions.

Ren lets out a quiet breath. “I’ll get things for you. Whatever you want.” My brows zip. “No, that’s not necessary. Thanks, though.” “I want to,” he presses. I shake my head slowly, gaping at him. “Why…?” “Because I…” His voice drifts, and for the first time since we started this strange meet-n-greet, he seems a little flustered. Staring down at his hands, he begins fiddling nervously with his fingers. “I like you. I don’t want anyone to use you. You don’t deserve that.” His eyes flit to mine, shining raw. Very different from the way he’s been looking at me, and I can’t tell if this is better or worse.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a completely different hot-bodied nerd with piercing green eyes I’m dating in my mind. And I’m so ready to put out…”

“Ren…” He says my name quietly, disrupting my thoughts while we walk side by side, only a few inches between us. “I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to… give me stuff. For me to like you.” His eyes are on his shoes, and mine are on him. And I’m not breathing. “I like you anyway.” My heart is leaping up into my ribcage, fingers reaching for his, until he adds, “You’ve become one of my best friends.” My hand retreats, and I exhale slowly to mask the ache in my chest. I don’t want to be just friends. “You are my best friend,” I hum. He nods, showing me a small smile, like there’s more he wants to say, but he doesn’t know where to start.

Leaning in quick, I press a soft kiss on his mouth. One second, and it’s already the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life.

In this moment, I hate that I’m so fucked up, and that he knows it. I hate that he sees me as a liar—rightfully so—and I hate that I do lie to him, even though I don’t want to. I can’t help myself. It just happens.

I’ll tell myself I’m doing this for Lex, and for Parker. That I’m getting them things, stuff we all need, and so it’s okay. But I know it’s not true. I’m doing it for me. Outside or inside, I’m still the same person. The man with too much fire for his own good.

I know I should hang onto this, and try my hardest not to screw it up like I always do. Don’t destroy the good with your bad. Don’t burn this down. But I’m also selfish, and evil, and I want him so badly. I want to be his everything, not just his friend. And if that means taking this chance, then I can’t stop myself from grabbing it and squeezing with all my might to hold on. We’re already in Hell. Whether it’s wrong or not, I will keep Lex Luthor Deon here so he can burn with me forever.

Jesus, you’re the worst. No, I’m being serious. How could I not for this guy?? He’s perfect. How could I ever say no to being with only him?? I’d have to be the biggest, dumbest fuckboy on the planet to want to keep sleeping with randoms instead of being his, making him mine. My heart is rapping fast, stomach churning as that goddamn voice of reason keeps badgering me. Whatever, idiot. You won’t be able to do it. You know you can’t. You’re just going to hurt him… And when you do, he’ll hate you forever.

“Because I think you should know that pain usually leads to clarity. Obviously, I’m the last person who should give anyone advice. I’m not exactly emotionally stable. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that who you are is always going to be who you are… No matter what happens, where you start out or where you end up. You’re you, Dash. And sometimes chaotic beginnings can lead to a beautiful end.”

“Your dick comes near me again,” I whisper to Gage on our way out, “and I’ll bite it off. That’s a motherfucking promise.”

“Excuse me!” Kang barks, glaring only at me. “Do I have a say in this?? Now you’re pimping me out to other people, too? Unbelievable…” Turning to face him, I give a calming look. “No one’s forcing you to do anything, Byron. I’m just saying, I think it might be helpful.” “Well, shucks, how romantic. For you guys.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m glad I can be of service, just offering up dick to whoever needs it for dumbass fucking experiments.”

But just as I’m about to rage, Lex slurps off of Byron’s lips, reaching for my jaw and pulling my mouth to his. Fireworks. That’s all I see behind my eyes. Fireworks are all I feel popping off in my chest. He’s actually kissing me… I’m not dreaming, right? God, it feels amazing. I could cry.

“I don’t want to get in the middle of you two…” Byron sighs, even though that’s literally exactly where he is. I reach over his chest, taking Lex’s hand in mine. “You’re not a wedge, love. You’ve been keeping us together.” “Good,” he yawns sleepily. “’Cause I’d rather kill myself than date either of you.” Lex snorts. “Plus… I’m totally straight.” I cackle, and Byron grins. “What?”

I always feel like acknowledging when life is good is just asking for it to all suddenly blow up in your face.

Because there’s more than just fear of the unknown holding me here… There’s a piece of me in this prison… sitting in the cell at the end of the row.

Goddamn, his skin is so fucking soft, I’m in agony. And he smells delicious, like sandalwood and warm, clean flesh. I want to bottle it up and spray it all over everything I own. Seriously, who even smells like that?? Those Lexington pheromones float a direct path to my brain.

“I didn’t plan it, Lex. Because I am trying to be your friend. But I’m also trying not to lie to you… Being able to kiss you and touch you and do all the amazing, dirty things we should be doing together makes me insanely happy. I’m not manipulating you, and I’m not trying to coerce you into something. I just really miss the fuck out of you, every minute of every day. That’s it, love. That’s the truth. Do with that information what you will. But just know, every moment I’m with you… is fireworks over the

Is this love? Am I in love with Warren Xavier? The feelings I get when I’m with him, even when I’m sitting alone in my cell thinking about him, are similar to how I felt for Leah, only much more intense. The same affection, but turned up a hundred degrees. It’s friendship boiling over. I might love him… Would that be bad?

That dude fucked me up… My first relationship, my first almost boyfriend. My first… so many things. And he just doused me in kerosene and lit a fucking match.

Because when people treat you like a villain your whole life, eventually you become one.

“You can’t just play people, and push their buttons… Push and push and fucking push until they have no choice but to snap!”

“I’ve loved you since the second I saw you, and I don’t understand it! I don’t want to feel this shit… This twisted up ball of need in my chest like fucking disease. I don’t even know if it really is love, that’s how fucked up I am. I never knew what this felt like… until you.”

“You’re my weakness, Lex. You, just the way you are… my goddamn kryptonite.”

Wouldn’t it just be so satisfying to tame one? I’m sure it’s happened before… I could be the exception… Maybe? The one in a million who domesticates a toxic fuckboy.

We might be way too different, but maybe it doesn’t matter when we have one thing in common… Each other.

I should’ve died with Callum in that blaze of wickedness I made… But instead, I wound up here, causing even more destruction. It’s all over. I’m done infecting the only good thing I’ve ever known. I have to save him from me. In a dizzying haze… I give up the fight. I let myself bleed. Because I deserve it.

“Be the anchor that pulls you under,” he murmurs with a profound sadness in his eyes. “Whether I keep fighting or give up, it makes no difference. Lex, there’re no second chances when it comes to you and me. One was enough, and now you’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop…”

“But the thing is, you were always going to think the worst of me, because that’s what I’ve shown you since the moment we met… The worst possible version of Warren Xavier. And I hate myself for still being able to hurt you without even hurting you.”

A broken soul and the foolish man who won’t stop trying to hold him together.