More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
My reflection in the mirror catches my eye, all the bruises covering my flesh sticking out amongst my scattered ink. I like them. Bruises remind me that I’m alive and susceptible to hurt. Like when I was twelve and I used to cut myself. Just to feel.
Sure, he didn’t have to fuck me… In his office. With the door unlocked. But still, I came onto him. And I did it for no other reasons than to sate my infinite, unwavering boredom, to get a rise out of my shithead parents, and play the part of exactly who the hell I am; who they all expect me to be at this point. A willful worshipper of chaos. An American Psycho, if Patrick Bateman was just pretending to give a shit about his lavish lifestyle and stupid fucking business cards.
Days spent in the gym, flirting and hooking up more than actually working out, followed by nights spent bouncing from club to club, doing drugs, getting fucked, and passing out just before five, only to wake up and do it all over again. The lifestyle of a rich, gay sociopath.
My exterior is stunning. An almost ethereal creature with gem eyes and perfectly chiseled features. On the inside, I’m decaying and rotten. But no one sees that part, so it’s okay. I’ve always been this empty husk, with the sole purpose of being used up and discarded by whomever needs to do so. And just like it was before my arrest and arrival in Alabaster Penitentiary, it’s my source of power.
It’s unwise to assume that getting on my knees makes me powerless. If you’re giving it, it means you’re giving up your control to me, and in that moment, while you’re fucking my throat, or my ass, or wherever you’re trying to stuff it, I own you.
Would you look at that. Friends… in real life. And all it took was coming to prison. My parents would be so proud.
“Mmm… Lex. You taste so good.” Fuck this. Fuck you, you evil, beautiful, slutty little liar.
In fact, he’s the only person I’ve ever felt direct empathy for, and for the life of me, I still don’t truly understand it. From the moment we met, it was like my soul reached out and grabbed onto him, clutching with desperate, greedy fingers, trying frantically to smoosh him in and make him a part of me.
“The thing about evil,” she whispers, “is that it masquerades as good. True evil doesn’t look like a monster with horns and a forked tongue. It’s beautiful, charming, and powerful… An exceptional liar, and a master at manipulating its camouflage.” She falls quiet once more. And I sit, helpless, with my mind aching in emotional logic. “There are no heroes in this world, Lex. Just villains with a better disguise.”
I’m also not a sheep. Blind following just because someone tells you to directly contradicts our ability to think cognitively. We’re supposed to question things. Our minds are made to do it.
The way I see it, if you’re going to be a villain, you might as well be the smartest one.
I know, big shocker. Ren’s getting laid in prison. Alert the media. I would have been fucking in prison regardless, because I love to do it; it’s my coping mechanism, and word on the street is that the one thing prison allows, in abundance, is sex. But when I found out the only way to get stuff in Alabaster Pen is to fuck people? Well, ya girl rolled up her sleeves, cracked her knuckles and said, Step aside, boys. I got this. There’s a new sheriff in town.
Those lips are just too damn pink… I can’t even fucking stop myself anymore. Leaning in quick, I press a soft kiss on his mouth. One second, and it’s already the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life.
We’re already in Hell. Whether it’s wrong or not, I will keep Lex Luthor Deon here so he can burn with me forever.
I’m not sure if what he’s struggling with is thinking he might be gay, or bi… Or if he’s just realizing that sexuality can be fluid, and enjoying something new doesn’t have to be scary. But I’ve seen it enough times in my life to know that the circumstance is only that. Prison doesn’t turn you gay. Nothing does. Your sexuality is a part of you that’s always been there, something you discover and develop over time.
I’m so sick of this asshole. I’m sick of his dick and how he thinks good sex involves mimicking a jackhammer. I’m sick of his dumb, oaf face and cocky attitude, and I’m so motherfucking sick of him always forgetting that me loving to get fucked doesn’t negate the fact that I can fully kick his ass. I put the power in power bottom, bitch.
“In fact, let’s go. We’re doing it. Right now.” Lex and I are gaping at each other like we haven’t the slightest clue what’s happening. My buddy Byron is way too defensive right now, which just confirms my suspicions I’ve had since I met him… He’s a little bi-curious, but doesn’t want to admit it. Seems to be a common theme around here. “Wait, now??” Lex gasps. “Yes, now,” Kang says firmly. “I don’t care. I’ll save your stupid relationship. My dick is like the fucking Red Cross at this point.”
“I’m worried about Dash. He seems really off today…” “Yea, you know what? I did notice that myself.” I nod animatedly. “Really??” “No, babe,” I huff, and he rolls his eyes. “Dash is always off. Not a day has gone by in the two months we’ve known him when he didn’t seem like the voices in his head were reciting every line from Full Metal Jacket.”
Dash is wriggling in Brenner’s arms while Peters tries to secure the cuffs. A whimper comes from Lex at my side, and I reach over quick, grabbing his hand. “What’s going on?” Lex cries quietly. “What are they doing to him??” “Calm down,” Rook mumbles, but even he looks concerned. Heavy footsteps charge up from behind us. And here comes Daddy to get the kids in line…
“I didn’t plan it, Lex. Because I am trying to be your friend. But I’m also trying not to lie to you… Being able to kiss you and touch you and do all the amazing, dirty things we should be doing together makes me insanely happy. I’m not manipulating you, and I’m not trying to coerce you into something. I just really miss the fuck out of you, every minute of every day. That’s it, love. That’s the truth. Do with that information what you will. But just know, every moment I’m with you… is fireworks over the ocean.”
I might love him… Would that be bad? It’s scary, that’s for sure. I have so many insecurities when it comes to Ren. He might be okay giving up other dicks for now, but how long will it last? We’re in here forever. Forever is a long fucking time. God, what have I gotten myself into?? I’m such an idiot. You can’t fall in love in prison. Death row is no place for a relationship.
“Oh! I almost forgot,” Ren chimes suddenly, reaching into his pocket. “I brought you a gift.” He smiles excitedly at me while holding out his closed fist. “What is it?” I ask, and his head cocks. “What are the magic words?” I roll my eyes and sigh. “Ren has the best dick on earth…” “You’re so good at that.” He beams.
“I’ve been making the stuff last, but I just got to the bottom of the one from Monroe and there it was.” He smirks at me. “For my sexy little tomato.” My gaze narrows. “Why am I a tomato?” He leans in, poking my chin with his fingertip. “Because you’re a fruit and no one knows it.”
“Because I fucking love you!” he shouts in my face, and I falter. “I’ve loved you since the second I saw you, and I don’t understand it! I don’t want to feel this shit… This twisted up ball of need in my chest like fucking disease. I don’t even know if it really is love, that’s how fucked up I am. I never knew what this felt like… until you.”
I didn’t know either… Is this it?? I thought love was supposed to be all shiny and vibrant, warm and freeing and good. Not painful and full of anguish, second-guessing and insecurity. If this is really love, then love sucks balls.
“Because I want to do everything in my power to make you happy… even when you hate me and refuse to look at me. I want to be next to you all the time… Just breathing the same air as you. I want to hold your hand and kiss your neck, and I want you to want me to… more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I feel like I could slaughter anyone who causes you pain, including myself. It’s so unbearably fucked up, but I would open a vein and bleed just to make you smile… That has to mean I’m in love with you… Right?”
“It doesn’t matter if I’ve never felt it before. In my soul, I know what this is… I’m desperately in love with you, Lexington, and I never won’t be. Believe me, I’ve tried. Even if it tears us both to shreds… I’m so sorry, baby, but I can’t stop. As long as I’m breathing, I won’t ever stop feeling the way I feel about you. In crazy, fierce, burning fucking love.”
I think he’s fucking nuts. He might just be the craziest person I’ve ever known… and he hides it so well. He’s got a goddamn Encyclopedia Britannica of issues underneath that glowing skin and perfect body and immaculate smile. It’s the best camouflage… A villain with the face of a hero. But despite all the red flags, and the hurt he’s caused me over the years, here I am. Still standing right the fuck here, in his cell, drowning in him. I chose not to go with Dash, but to stay. For this. I’m clearly just as fucked up as he is… Because I think I love him too.
My beautiful villain… He thinks he loves me. I think he does too. So… shouldn’t it be me then…? “Who… should be fucking me?” he asks again, pressing kiss after kiss on my neck until I’m so dizzy, I’m falling into him. “M-me,” I tremble out the word, barely audibly. “Hm? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over how fast your heart is beating.” He grins on my flesh while playing with my fingers. Grabbing his face fast, I rip him off my neck so I can see the skies in his eyes. “Me, Warren,” I growl, and he bites his lip. “I think it should be only me.”
I laugh, tugging him on top of me. Giving in to the inevitable. The Luthor and Ren Show… Back by popular demand.
Alabaster Penitentiary is on full lockdown. Most of everyone’s stuff has been confiscated. The guards’ leashes have been shortened immensely. Nothing is coming in or out of this place. Which means the guards aren’t coming either. I know… Yuck. But it’s true. From what I’ve heard, the parties they used to have in the mansion, the lavish bouts of techno and hedonism, with booze flowing from ice sculptures and people dressed like pixies blowing sparkly coke in your face—at least, that’s how I always pictured it—have been shut the fuck down. The wells of drugs and sex have all but dried up,
...more
Sexuality isn’t necessarily something you’re going to pin down from age whatever to the end of your life. It’s likely to change as you change and grow as a person.
I want to be the only one who gets him. I sound like every pathetic loser who chains themselves to a bucket of red flags and says, I can change him. But the problem is that they’re red flags for a reason. If they were dumpy idiots, then we wouldn’t be so drawn to them. Instead, they’re hot as fuck and have amazing dicks, and they’re the best kissers in the world because it’s their superpower. Wouldn’t it just be so satisfying to tame one? I’m sure it’s happened before… I could be the exception… Maybe? The one in a million who domesticates a toxic fuckboy.
Here’s the thing not many people know… When everyone projects their negative images of you all the time, it makes it damn near impossible to see yourself as anything else.
My face slopes right. And I smile. “Hi.” Lex frowns. “That’s it…? Just hi? That’s all I get??” I purse my lips, playing coy for all of two-seconds before it starts to drive me crazy and I murmur, “Are you a parking ticket?” He’s already cracking up while I hold in my own giggles as best I can. “Wha—” “’Cause you’ve got FINE written all over you,” I gasp, immediately dying.
“Anything to get you to stop badgering me.” “Oh, darling…” He shakes his head, doing that tsk tsk thing. “Badger is my middle name.” I cackle out loud. “Really? Your name is Warren Badger Xavier??” He nods, fully serious. “Mhm. Yep. My parents were big fans of anything in the weasel family.”
Plus, from what I understand, Jasper and Hancock have something going on. Not that any of us have witnessed it firsthand, but you can sense the tension when they’re close. Doesn’t surprise me. This prison makes more love connections than e-fuckin-Harmony.
I don’t know what any of it means, but I do know that if Dr. Love is the reason Trevel is here, then I would assume Trevel is probably not a fan of the gorgeous doctor, and as an extension, his boyfriend. Felix. And Felix is one of us now, despite how much Kang protests. It’s all becoming very Bloods versus Crips, the Capulets and the Montagues… Team Edward versus Team Jacob.
Felix’s mouth twitches, and he tugs his lower lip with his teeth again. I’m telling you, this dude is the cuddliest, most precious sociopathic murderer ever. You just want to pinch his cheeks. Maybe from afar… in case he decides to bite your fingers off.
“See? I love that,” Ren hums. “You’re out here doing the Lord’s work. Turning hot dudes to the dark side. Bless you, child.” Ren makes the holy cross motion, but wraps it up with a wrist-flick, and Felix laughs.
Ren is seething. My mouth is hanging open. Felix waves. “What the hell are you doing?!” Ren whispers-scolds him. Felix shrugs. “Might as well play nice, right?” “Are you sure you’re a serial killer?” I arch a brow. “Oh, yea. Big time.” He pulls a charming grin, glancing at Trevel once more. “The best way to get people to drop their guard is to act like you’re dropping yours.”
I mean, the guy is good-looking. He’s extremely attractive, in this slim, sharply-angled, severe European kind of way. He has that sickly-chic appearance, so you can’t tell whether he’s famous, or homeless. Like, he could be strutting down a catwalk in Versace, or overdosing in an alleyway with a needle in his arm. But the fact that he’s hot and Ren hasn’t even remarked about it? Now, that’s gotta tell you something right there. The red flags are billowing.
say about it. But the only even slightly positive thing I’ve heard him call Trevel is Harry Potter’s drug dealer.
“Holy mother of God, he’s fine,” Ren whispers by my side, and I want to scold him, but I’m too busy admiring the warm and fuzzies that come from watching this unlikely pair together. Felix and Dr. Love look so different in so many ways. And knowing that Felix Darcey is a serial killer and Lemuel Love is a clinical psychiatrist only adds to list of blatant contrasts you’d think would make them the last two people in the world to be romantically involved. But then there’s the way they’re looking at each other…
Things can always get worse. That’s the official slogan of Alabaster Penitentiary.
“We have to keep going,” I whisper, kissing him softly. “We’re gonna make it, baby. You and me, together. If Dash could do it, we can.” Lex snorts a boogery laugh, and I smile, brushing his soft skin. “That kid’s a disaster.” He smiles. “And we’re not?” I purse my lips, shaking my head. “Baby… we’re supervillains. We can do anything.”
Mental illness isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
“I’d like to raise a glass,” he says in that sexy brogue. “To Luthor and Ren, and their undying love. May you forever hold each other’s hands through the chaos of life… Toss up your middle fingers, and tell the world to fuck off.” “Here here!” Colson and Cyrus shout at the same time, whooping and wailing and laughing. Lex and I shake our heads, chuckling while we sip and bask in the freedom of love, beyond the walls. “They’re kinda crazy, huh?” I whisper, as he pulls me close and kisses my neck. “My beautiful, forever flame… all the best things are.”
And not that I want to think about it, but even if it all came crashing down right now, at least I’d have these memories. The thing is, you have to stop and recognize when you’re in the good times. Force yourself not to take moments of bliss for granted. Because the memories are great, but they don’t hold a candle to the real thing, and you’ll always wish you could get this back.
“The Ivory has a weakness,” he says softly, blue eyes widening. “If it comes down to it, baby…” I push his hair back gently with my fingers. “If they need us…” Ren blinks, then scoffs. “We’re not heroes, Luthor.” “Nope.” My lips curve. “Just villains with better disguises.”
