Under Your Scars (Under Your Scars, #1)

by Ariel N. Anderson

“The night he met you, I woke up and I could feel something was wrong. I went into his room and found his suicide note.” A single tear falls down his face. “I thought I was too late. But then he walked through the door, panting and soaked through with rain. He fell to his knees and told me that he found his guardian angel. You are the reason I still have my son. I can never repay that debt. Not in this lifetime or any others. If you ever want someone to listen and forget, never hesitate to come to me, Elena. It’s the least I can do for you.”

I made you a goddess, Elena, and I worship you. You are my religion and my whole life is dedicated to loving you. That’s what the most loyal disciples do, right? Dedicate their lives to their divine savior. If you never find it in your heart to trust me again—if you never believe another word I say—believe that I love you. My love isn’t perfect, and it isn’t beautiful. It’s broken and scarred and ugly, but all of it is yours. I will always be yours. I will always be here ready to bow before the holy master of my soul.

But if you ask me to let you go? Angel, you know I can’t do that. If you’re gone, then what else do I have to live for? Hope. That’s what I have to live for. Hope that one day I might get to hear you say, “I love you too.” So I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as it takes. Forever yours, Christian

“Listen to me,” I plead. “I love you. I will love you forever. Even when we’re nothing but bones in the ground, I will find you in the afterlife and cherish you like I always have. I will hold you and kiss you and fall asleep with you wrapped in my arms. I will spoil you and give you a wedding ring with my last name to match. I will buy you yachts and islands and mansions all over the world so you can feel safe. I will do all of this even if you fight me because you know better than anyone that boundaries have never stopped me. One day, only when you’re ready, I will fill you with my love again, and I promise I will do it so thoroughly you will forget all that pain you went through for me. You’ll forget about the secrets and the lies and how betrayed you felt when you found out the truth. I will chase away all your demons because you know I’m scarier than they’ll ever be. I’ll do everything for you until the only thing you know how to do is love me back.” I take a deep breath and wipe away her sorrow with my thumbs. “But I can’t do any of that if you leave me, Elena, so I am begging you to stay.”

It’s quiet for a long time. Elena’s fingers tap nervously against the leather seat. “Do you think I’m…dirty now?” My face twists, offended at the suggestion. “No. You’re not dirty. I can prove it if you’ll let me.”

She sighs, and dramatically puts her hand to her head and pretends to fall over. I catch her easily. “If Elena doesn’t marry you, I will.” “You know, I don’t think Elliot would appreciate me stealing his wife and his daughter. I might start World War III.” She hands back the ring. “You’d start a war for love?” “For Elena? I wouldn’t just start a war. I’d win it.”

I sniffle and breathe in a shuddering breath. “I’m here. I’m here,” I coo. His eyes close and I become frantic. I slap him across the face. “Don’t you dare,” I growl. “Please don’t leave me. We haven’t been through so much together just for you to get taken out by a bullet.” My heart aches painfully when I feel him trace a shaky hand up my arm. He growls through the pain, breathing like each intake of air might be his last. His calloused hand meets my cheek, and he rubs the back of his fingers along the delicate skin there. This feels like a goodbye and my heart can’t take it. “Please,” I whimper quietly, sobbing and trembling as he feels over my cheek and rubs a thumb over my lip. “Angel,” Christian says, his voice a mere whisper. The resignation and the feebleness of his tone sends a jolt of white-hot fear through me. I shake my head. “Don’t give up on me.” “I would never,” he chokes out. “My soul belongs to you.” I wince. “Which is why it’s going to stay right here where it belongs.” He shakes his head, then moves his hand from my cheeks to rest over my heart. I understand what he means, but I shake my head right back. “Please don’t. I need you. Caroline needs you. Please don’t…don’t…don’t!” When his eyes close again, I throw my head up to the sky, and I scream.

I watch every breath he takes intently, afraid he’ll stop at any moment. His wedding ring is heavy in the back pocket of my jeans, reminding me how fragile everything is. How precious the time I’ve gotten to spend with him is. It doesn’t matter how it began, all that matters to me is doing everything I can to make sure that this isn’t the end. It can’t be. He lost so much blood. I remember watching Gavin do chest compressions while I put pressure on the wound. When the paramedics arrived, I remember fighting against Gavin to let me go with them. I remember my hands and arms being covered in my husband’s blood and feeling so powerless. I didn’t know how to help him. They told me that his heart stopped during the emergency surgery they did to try and repair the damage. While they got his heart beating again, he was clinically dead for three minutes. Three minutes without oxygen. Three minutes without a heartbeat. Three minutes without his love. That’s all it took to shatter me.

“Is this what it felt like for you? To not know if I was going to be okay?” Another sob wrecks through me. “Because I don’t know how you got through it. You’d do anything for me, right?” I scrape my nails gently along his scalp. “I’m asking you to come back to me, because I don’t know how to live without you, either.” I pause, waiting for any sign of life from him, but there’s nothing. I want him to wake up more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but I think I know deep in my heart that he’s gone.

“Trust me, angel. It’s just you and me. Let me make you feel good. Take that cock like a good girl and let me fill you with my love again.” Elena opens her sparkling brown eyes and shakes her head. “I can’t. You have to make me.” I swallow the lump in my throat and try to relax my breathing so I don’t end this before it begins. “What’s your safe word?” “Mykonos,” she sighs.

I breathe through my teeth and whimper. “Now break me so you can love me back together.” His free hand cocks the gun, and he places it back at my temple. “Say it again.” “I love you.” “Again.” “I love you.” “Again.” “I love you!” He begins to fuck me like a savage, grunting into my neck, making sure I feel every inch of him inside me for days. He finishes inside me with a feral roar, and I follow right behind. I take a deep breath, and before I remove his mask, I kiss him, hoping that even through the material, he can feel that I told him the truth. I’ve fallen in love with the most unlovable, virulent, tragic parts of him. And I’ve decided I love the taste of poison.

“Please! My sister is innocent. Just like El—” Her words are cut off with a guttural gargle when I slit her throat and blood spurts from her neck across my chest and arms. I push her backwards, and she goes plummeting to the ground in the chair, still gasping for air when I place a strip of red duct tape over her mouth and leave the warehouse. What I’ve done to her is a mercy compared to what I have planned for my shadow. God help the man who took Elena, because she belongs to only one psychopath. Me.

As my fingers dig into her delicate throat, I find myself getting choked up, but I can’t find it in me to stop. “I have to save her, Beth, I have to. You just…you got in the way. But I promise, baby, we’ll all be together soon.”

Elliot pulls away from her, holding her cheeks in his hands and giving her a sad smile. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t realize until this very moment that killing him won’t save you.” The gulps. “The only way I can save you is by letting you go.” He presses his forehead to hers as she cries, and then softly kisses her cheek before turning his head to look me straight in the eyes. “How’s this for misery?” He reaches for the gun Elena dropped, and before I have a chance to comprehend what he’s doing, he places it at her temple. And he pulls the trigger. My entire world goes red. My body goes numb with rage. I’ve gone deaf. My only working sense is sight, and I watch in horror, unable to move as Elliot lets Elena go, and her lifeless body slumps directly into my lap.

I’ve been hanging on by a thread named Elena, and now she’s gone. I hold my angel to my chest and wait for Caroline to reach ten before I put the gun to my head. And like I was always meant to, I pull the trigger.

Fuck!!! 🥺

Caroline’s tiny hand holds mine as she looks between me and the headstones. After a long while, she crawls into my lap, her blonde hair gone sandy brown from the rain. She looks up at me with big blue eyes. “Grandpa, when are mommy and daddy coming back?” With a shaky breath, I hold the handkerchief to my face, hug her to my chest, and weep with the angels.

I can't stop myself from crying... 🥺