Under Your Scars (Under Your Scars, #1)

by Ariel N. Anderson

“When we met, I knew you were going to be the most important thing in my life, but I didn’t realize just how much I’d be wrapped around your finger. I’d do anything for you.” He kisses the curve of my neck. “You’ve always wanted to visit Mykonos, right?” I nod and jump excitedly in his arms. “Well now we have somewhere to stay every time we visit.”

“Tell me the good thing.” Time freezes as we stare at each other, and my heart flutters when the corners of his mouth quirk into a smile, before his face hardens with nerves. “I am painfully, catastrophically in love with you.” My throat aches with raw emotion and tears escape my eyes, falling to the comforter below us. I open my mouth to say something back, but no words come out. “I love you,” he whispers against my lips. It doesn’t feel like a declaration this time, but rather, a desperate attempt to get me to say it back. Because that’s what you do when someone says they love you. You say it back. But I can’t. I can’t, and I think he and I both realize it in horror at the same time, because something in his face changes. There’s something brutally betrayed in the unique icy blue of his eyes.

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” he says with a sigh. “I get it.” A knot ties itself inside my throat, making it hard to swallow. “Edwin always used to say that I was intense in all aspects of my life. I always thought he was full of shit. He was an old man, trying to be a father figure to a punk ass kid who didn’t want to listen. It wasn’t until I got older that I started to notice it. Anger. Guilt. Jealousy. Pride. Then I met you, and falling in love was like some nuclear catalyst inside me. I’ve been consumed by it—by you. I can’t think about anything else except how much I want you to be mine to love, forever.” He takes a deep breath. “I mean that in the kind of way that’s going to suffocate you one day but I can’t stop. I can’t fucking stop. I won’t be satisfied until I am every part of your existence as you are mine.” Hiding my own tears, I pull away from him and force him to turn around and face me. He’s got his head turned away like he’s ashamed of feeling so strongly for me. I run my fingers along his jawline in a way that has him purring under my touch. “Look at me,” I demand, my tone soft but firm. “I am so, so sorry that you trusted me with your heart and that I didn’t give you mine back, but I promise I will. I promise we’ll have that all-consuming love that gives us cavities and I promise we’ll build a life and a home and a family together if that’s what you want. I just need a little time to learn how to love you back.” Christian rests both of his hands...

“Can we come back here in the summer?” Mykonos is beautiful, but the weather in October isn’t exactly suitable for swimming and tanning. “Absolutely. I’ll block off a week for us, maybe even a month. We can go all over Europe.” I laugh. “I don’t think your company would appreciate you taking a month-long vacation to tote your leech across Europe.” “It’s my company, Elena. They’ll get over it. You’ll be my wife by then anyways, so consider it our honeymoon.” My jaw drops open. “Is that a proposal? Because I still don’t see a ring on my finger.” Christian grumbles and grabs his phone from the nightstand. After a few seconds of scrolling, he tosses it onto my lap. I’m staring at an email thread with a photo of an absurdly massive purple diamond. When I see the eight-figure price tag for said diamond, I dramatically roll over the edge of the bed and land on the floor. “I think I’m gonna hurl,” I say into the rug. I feel Christian land on top of me, supporting most of his weight on his arms and legs so that he doesn’t fully crush me. “Because you’re pregnant?” I make a noise of disgust. “No, because you’re insane.” I tease. “I’m on birth control, remember? This uterus is not open for business.” “For now,” Christian says, kissing my cheek.

“Did you know you have the same middle name as my dad? I think if we have a son one day, we should keep the tradition going.” “There you go, talking about kids again.” He pokes me in the stomach. “Is there something you’re hiding from me in there?” My face turns bright red. “No! No, I’m not…I didn’t mean…” “I’m kidding,” he says, kissing my forehead, and leading me to the office where the meeting will be held as the investors start arriving.

“You’re not just some obsession I picked up out of boredom. You’re my life essence. The air in my lungs. The beating heart in my chest.” Goosebumps erupt over my skin as our hands trace over my stomach. “You are my everything. Mind. Body. Soul. I fucking love you, Elena, and you will love me back. I don’t care if I have to destroy you in the process.” He moves our hands even slower across my breasts, and I hate the way my nipples harden into tight peaks under the sensual touch. “You’ll be mine one day. Fully. I love it when you fight me, but if you would just shut up and stop, even for one second, you might see what’s right in front of you.”

His entire body is covered in scars. Not just his wrists, but his everything. His chest is littered with bruises in various stages of healing. I swallow when my eyes land on the marred skin where his heart is. Five scars. Five jagged letters of the alphabet, pink and healing. Five letters that spell my name. I think I’m in shock, but something compels me to trace my fingers over the letters and Christian trembles under my touch, sucking in a sharp breath. “Is this the bad thing?” I whisper. He shakes his head and inhales a harsh breath. “You said you hated me.” I shake my head in confusion. “What? No, Christian—” I take his face in my hands. “I don’t hate you.” He cradles my cheeks with the same tenderness I’m holding his. With his lips ghosting over mine, he whispers, “The day we met…I was going to kill myself.” My throat tightens and tears prick in my eyes. “What?” He holds me close to him, his trembling breaths telling me he’s terrified. Wet droplets of water drip from his hair and mix with his tears. “I had the gun to my head. I had my finger on the trigger, and I was about to pull it. The bad thing, Elena…is that the only reason I stopped was because I heard you screaming for help.” His voice cracks as a violent sob wrecks through him. “That’s why I call you angel. Because you saved my life.” The horror stings up my spine like I’ve just been cracked with a fiery whip. My heart is beating so hard I think it might jump straight out of my ribcage. “You’re the Silencer.”

“Christian,” my father prompts. He says his name as if it tastes like dirt in his mouth. “you live here in Meridian City?” “Yes sir, my whole life. Elena says you lived here once.” My dad nods. “I did.” He narrows his eyes at Christian and furrows his brow. “Have we met before?” Christian gives him a strange glare back. “No. I don’t think so.”

“I was on my way to the police station,” I finally admit, unable to look at him. “I was going to tell them everything about you.” Christian bites his lip and nods. “Can you even begin to understand how utterly hopeless I felt to press that tracker? To know that I hated you in that moment, but you were the only person in the world that could help me?” He looks down and then back up at me, trying to be brave and hold my searing, furious gaze. “Why would you manipulate me like that? All I think about when I look back on our relationship is how it all feels fabricated now. None of it feels real.” It’s the one question I’ve had bouncing around in my mind since he told me the truth. Why would he do that to me if he truly loved me? “It was real,” he says, and I roll my eyes. “Just…listen. I didn’t want to manipulate you. You saved my life, and from that moment, my heart belonged to you. I guess in the beginning, I thought that if you couldn’t love one side of me, maybe you’d love the other. And then when you started falling for me, for Christian, the Silencer got jealous and just…lost himself.” He takes a deep breath. “You have to understand, Elena, who I am when I put that mask on, isn’t me. We may occupy the same body, but we’re not the same person. He’s the man looking back at me in the mirror. My alter ego. The devil that wears me as his shell. I can’t escape him any more than you can.” “Why are you talking like you’re two separate people, Christian?” “Because I am!” he growl...

“You’d do anything for me, right?” I ask. “Anything,” he says absolutely. “Give it up,” I demand harshly, and he looks at me, confused and bewildered. “The Silencer. Let him go, right now. Today.” He gives me a defeated look and I can see the refusal deep in his eyes. “It’s not that simple.” “Then let me go instead,” I say, and then turn to face away from him, and pretend to fall asleep. I hear him sigh, and then he painfully whispers, “Angel, I can’t do that either.”

“Your parents died on September 6, 1989, and we met thirty years later, on September 6, 2019. That’s why you said you started believing in soulmates when you met me.” I feel a sob wreck through him too. “Do you understand now why I can’t let you go?” “Do you understand why I can’t stay?” He sighs, but he doesn’t fight me this time. I feel him nod against my neck. “I’m going home with my parents tomorrow. Promise me you won’t hurt yourself.” He’s quiet for a long time as we hold each other. Only after I feel him nod do I pull away and leave the room without another word.

If you never find it in your heart to trust me again—if you never believe another word I say—believe that I love you. My love isn’t perfect, and it isn’t beautiful. It’s broken and scarred and ugly, but all of it is yours. I will always be yours. I will always be here ready to bow before the holy master of my soul. I would do anything for you. If you ask me to move the sun out of your eyes, I will push it with my bare hands. If you ask me for the moon, I will wrap it in a purple ribbon and hand it to you. If you ask me for all the stars in the sky, I will create an entire galaxy, just for you. But if you ask me to let you go? Angel, you know I can’t do that. If you’re gone, then what else do I have to live for? Hope. That’s what I have to live for. Hope that one day I might get to hear you say, “I love you too.” So I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as it takes.

“Listen to me,” I plead. “I love you. I will love you forever. Even when we’re nothing but bones in the ground, I will find you in the afterlife and cherish you like I always have. I will hold you and kiss you and fall asleep with you wrapped in my arms. I will spoil you and give you a wedding ring with my last name to match. I will buy you yachts and islands and mansions all over the world so you can feel safe. I will do all of this even if you fight me because you know better than anyone that boundaries have never stopped me. One day, only when you’re ready, I will fill you with my love again, and I promise I will do it so thoroughly you will forget all that pain you went through for me. You’ll forget about the secrets and the lies and how betrayed you felt when you found out the truth. I will chase away all your demons because you know I’m scarier than they’ll ever be. I’ll do everything for you until the only thing you know how to do is love me back.” I take a deep breath and wipe away her sorrow with my thumbs. “But I can’t do any of that if you leave me, Elena, so I am begging you to stay.” “I know why I did it,” she says, her voice breaking. I just poured my heart out to her, and she’s making no sense. She stares at me with those big brown eyes with so much intensity it feels like she’s burning a hole through my body straight to my soul, like she’s ready to grab it by the throat and shake it until I understand. “Ask me why, Christian.” I open my mouth to tell her I ...

“I’m going to go home with my wife. My daughter is going through a lot, and I don’t want to stress her out any more than necessary. I want you to remove yourself from her life before she comes to Texas for Thanksgiving. In case my phrasing wasn’t clear, that isn’t a request.” “I’m not breaking up with your daughter, Elliot.” God, I want to throttle him right now. I want to wring his neck. I muster up every ounce of self-control I have for Elena’s sake and try to sympathize with him. “I understand that you’re upset about what happened to her and want to take care of her. You’re a loving father and it hurts to see your daughter like this, but I’m not ending things because you’re jealous that I can take care of her, maybe even better than you can. Elena has a big heart. She’s more than capable of loving the both of us.” I take a deep breath. “I’d like us to be friends, Mr. Young.” Elliot forcefully grabs me by the front of my shirt and pulls me so he’s speaking into my face. I stand quite a bit taller than him, so if he’s trying to be intimidating, it’s not working. He’s angry, practically breathing fire when he spits his next sentence out. “I’d rather chew glass than be friends with you. I’ll be damned before I let a Reeves tear apart my family again.” He lets me go, and this time, I grab him, shoving him against the exterior brick of the house. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Elliot chuckles. “It means the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and you remind me so...

“Do you trust me?” “Not really,” I say back. “Not like I used to.” Christian rests the helmet on the handle of the bike, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I’m still the same person, Elena. The same man you fell in love with. I think you know that, and it scares you, but I told you that very first night in your apartment that I’m the one thing you never have to be afraid of.” “But I am afraid of you,” I whisper. “I’m afraid of what you’ll do to yourself if I leave and I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me if I stay.”

“Can I ask you something?” I prompt. He nods. “When did you know you loved me?” “Truly?” He laughs to himself. “I think Caroline knew before I did, but it was when she gave you that drawing. I had a very vivid flashback of giving my parents a crayon drawing when I was that young and remembered how my mother looked at me when she accepted it. That’s how you looked at Caroline and that was the moment it hit me that I wasn’t just obsessed with you, but that I loved you. That I wanted a life and a family with you. I decided right then and there that I wanted to marry you, and I contacted a jeweler that night and told them to find me the biggest purple diamond money could buy. I took my mom’s wedding ring, removed her stone, and replaced it with yours.”

“When did you know that you loved me?” I suppose it’s only fair that he knows, though my story is less romantic than his. “When they asked me who you were.” I take a deep breath. “The moment Frank pulled down my shorts, I knew I would have never given either of them the satisfaction of breaking me. Of getting me to tell them your name.” My voice breaks. “They tried very hard. And when they made you watch and I saw how desperately you were trying to get to me…I knew you really did love me, and that only made me love you more. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I didn’t want to admit that I was keeping a serial killer’s identity a secret at the expense of being haunted for the rest of my life. Only love can hurt that bad and still be worth it.” He hangs his head down in shame. Rain drips from the ends of his hair. We’re now completely soaked through. Cold. “I’m sorry. For everything. For the lies and the secrets and the pain I’ve put you through. I will never be worth that sacrifice, Elena. Never. Not even if I lived a thousand lifetimes trying to make it up to you.” With careful fingers, I reach up to caress his cheek. His eyes find mine, his expression pained and guilty. “But you are worth that sacrifice. That’s why I’m still here.”

“I have a confession,” I whisper. His blue eyes fixate on me, his attention completely undivided. “I miss you. I don’t mean in the way that people miss someone they love when they’re apart. I miss you because I want to go back to that time when we were just two people falling in love. I miss when you were just Christian to me.” “We can go back. We can be just two people in love.” I shake my head. “No Christian, I don’t think we can. You’re a full package. I can’t love you without loving the Silencer. You’d think that would be an easy choice. When I was going to the police station to turn you in, I felt like I would have been doing the city a favor, but at the same time, it felt like I was betraying you. Does that make sense, in the most illogical way possible?” Christian scoffs and smirks. “That, my angel, is called Stockholm Syndrome.” I stare at him in disbelief. “I’m not a kidnapping victim.” I huff. “Well, I am, but you didn’t kidnap me.” “Sometimes people develop feelings for their captors because it’s easier than fighting them.” “But you’re not my captor,” I say, and then my eyes widen with realization. He is my captor. I just never saw the chains because they were covered in diamonds.

“Where did you learn to braid hair?” “In the beginning, when I would come see you in the middle of the night, you’d always have your hair like that. Sometimes, you’d have it in one down your back. Other times you’d have a side braid with strands loosely framing your face. And sometimes you’d have two braids. I imagine at some point in our lives, like when we’re old and gray and your bones ache, you would have been too tired to do it yourself, so I taught myself so that I could do it for you.” A new wave of tears escapes my eyes. “You’re so perfect it’s infuriating. It almost makes up for all the murder.”

“She’s so close to slipping away, and I can’t lose her, Edwin. I can’t. I wouldn’t survive it.” I take a deep breath. “I didn’t know love could be so hard. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much I love her, it will never be enough.” “Aye, love is hard. But that’s why we cherish it so much.” He takes my hands in his. “Your happiness means everything to me, you know, and I want what you have with her to last for an eternity.” I squeeze his hands and suck my bottom lip in between my teeth as I think. “So how do I make it last an eternity?” “By remembering that a gilded cage is still a cage.” I tighten my jaw. I want to defend myself, but what is there to defend? He’s right. He’s so right and I don’t think he even realizes the extent of it. Wisdom is what Edwin does best, and he’s never let me down in that regard. I gulp. “How do I open the cage?” “Give her the keys.” “What if she leaves? I just said I couldn’t handle that. If I lose her, then my entire life means nothing. I might as well have…” I trail off, because I don’t know if Edwin remembers my suicide attempt the night I met Elena, and if he doesn’t, then it’s better for it to stay that way. “If she leaves, then you didn’t love her the way she wanted you to.” I huff. “How am I supposed to know the way she wants to be loved?” Edwin smacks me, again, with the newspaper. “By listening. Something you’ve never been good at."

“You’re staring at my sister.” Travis’ voice pulls me out of my besotted stare, and I look at him. I nod down at him, turning my gaze back to her. “She talks about you all the time, you know. All good things, I promise. Be good to her, okay? She deserves happiness.” “I know. Fuck, I know she does. She deserves everything. I’m…trying my best.” Travis nods. “You coming to the wedding with her?” “Didn’t know I was invited.” He chuckles. “You kidding? It’s every couple’s dream to have a billionaire come to their wedding.” Travis pokes me with his elbow. “I’ll be expecting no less than a quarter of a million as a wedding present.” I’m the one to laugh this time. “I’ll keep that in mind.” From across the room, Elena licks mashed potatoes off a spoon before throwing it into the sink, and I wink at her and mouth ‘I love you’. She winks back.

“Beth, you know I love your cooking.” “Oh, no,” Bethany teases. Elliot gives her a grin, but there’s something…malicious about it. And I don’t think it’s directed at Bethany. “I just can’t help but remember the best Thanksgiving stuffing I’ve ever had. When I lived in Meridian City, my Diana loved this diner on the North Side. They had a Thanksgiving food drive every year, and the owner made the best stuffing.” Another unnerving smile crosses his face and his eyes flicker to me. “You been to the North Side recently?” “The North Side doesn’t exactly exist anymore.” I shrug. “I turned that side of the island into an orphanage in memoriam to my parents.” Bethany puts her hand over her heart. “That’s beautiful, Christian. Truly beautiful.” Elliot sighs. “Man, that’s a shame. I loved Fat Lou’s.” My heart falls straight out of my chest and onto the floor. I can’t find it in me to tell him that Fat Lou’s doesn’t exist anymore. Because I burnt it to the ground when I was eighteen.

“Do it,” he taunts. I shove the gun even further into his chin, causing his head to tilt back slightly. My finger is on the trigger one fucking millimeter from painting the gray brick of this house with his blood. “She’ll never forgive you.” That sentence makes me pause, because he’s fucking right. If I pull this trigger, Elena will never forgive me. It doesn’t matter if it’s justified revenge. All she’d see is that I murdered her father in cold blood. I bare my teeth and tears prick in my eyes. The man who killed my parents is Elena’s fucking father.

“Why did you leave me alive? Why didn’t you just fucking shoot me and leave the Reeves family in the past?” “Because I saw the look on your face when I had that gun to your head, and I saw the face of my daughters when your father shot them. All I can see when I look at you is the man who killed my wife and little girls. The moment I walked into that hospital room I knew you looked familiar, but now that I know who you are, it’s like your father still found a way to haunt me. My family.” I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough that I taste blood. “If you expected your revelation to convince me to let Elena go, you were wrong.” I take a deep breath, sagging my shoulders. This entire situation is so fucked. Not only did I just find out that murder runs in my veins, but the man who killed my parents is the father of the love of my fucking life. Letting her go is not an option.

“I’ve been suicidal for the better part of my life. I met Elena shortly after a suicide attempt. It’s…why I call her angel.” I’m hoping it’s not obvious that ‘shortly after’ actually means ‘during’. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told her. I had been living in the past for three decades and I didn’t think I had a soul left. I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anything other than pain and anger. She came into my world and tore down the walls I spent so much time building up. She made me feel worthy. She let me be vulnerable. My life was empty before she came into it, but now that I have her, I can’t imagine how I lived this long without her. I messed up along the way. I was selfish. I was a bad partner, and even though I love her with every fiber of my being, I didn’t love her the way she deserved. So, she left. And that’s the day shit hit the fan.” I let out another heavy sigh. “She did want to leave, Elliot, and I was going to let her go. That morning when you were supposed to get on that flight back to Texas, I left and went to my office on the other side of the city so I wouldn’t be tempted to beg her to stay for my own selfish reasons. She chose to stay all on her own. I didn’t force her.” Elliot clicks his tongue. “I don’t believe you.” “Ask her yourself.” Elliot gives me a dead, lifeless grin. He takes his gun back and waves it in the small space between us. It’s languid and unthreatening, unlike his words. “I should have put a bullet between your eyes thirty ye...

As I watch Elena sleep, I finally understand Caroline’s drawing. Safe isn’t a place. It’s the people that love you.

“New rule. You’re not allowed to call me Mr. Reeves until I can call you Mrs. Reeves.” “Rules are made to be broken,” I say on an exhale, and then hold my breath. “How about a deal?” He chuckles in amusement. “I’m listening. Intently.” “Give me time. I’m not going anywhere. Let our love be simple and let it be complicated too. Let me see all of you, the parts of you that you keep hidden under your scars. Make me fall even more deeply in love with all the dark parts of you. The parts you think are unlovable. Then one day, ask me properly, and I’ll say yes.” I gently tug the ring off my finger and hold it up for him to take. With a twinge of sadness in his eyes, he takes the ring back and nods. “Okay.”

“I used to get off on the thought of breaking you, but now it fills me with fear. I have to be gentle with you now. If I break you one more time, I may never find all the pieces again.” “What if I want you to break me?” I ask, my eyes not leaving his. “What if I don’t want you to be gentle?” “Then I’ll love you violently instead.”

“Does he make you happy, Ellie?” He’s drinking because of my love life. Big shocker there. He’s been in a foul mood since Christian waltzed through the front door. “Yes,” I offer as a short response. One that doesn’t open the door for elaboration, because I’m honestly not sure I can give him that. It’s crazy that Christian makes me happy. It’s crazy that I’m with him. It’s crazy that I stayed with him after everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve been through. But here I am. I’ve made peace with it. My father should too. He sighs as if my affirmative was the last thing he wanted to hear. “Figures,” he mumbles, then he looks up in his hazy state and scowls at the ceiling as if he can see God. “Does this have something to do with Christian’s father?” His eyes snap to me, wide-eyed and shocked. “What about his father?” he asks through gritted teeth, still quiet. I furrow my brow. “Did you not get along with Thomas?” My dad chuckles and takes a drink of his scotch. “That’s one way of putting it.” I give my dad a sympathetic smile. “Dad, Christian isn’t his father. Whatever your issue is with Thomas, don’t take it out on him. I want you to like him. I love him.” “Because of his money?” He raises an accusatory eyebrow. “Because he lives in a big house and can take you on vacations and buy you jewelry?” “No!” I whisper-shout, offended. “He has done more for me than you could ever possibly know. Can you not, just for once in my life, be supportive of a decision I made for myse...

“Heard my mother was defending my honor,” I say dryly. “I have never heard so many insults strung together in one sentence. Also, what the fuck does ‘I’m gonna show you how the cow ate the cabbage’ mean?” I giggle at his attempt to mimic my mother’s thick accent. “It means you’re about to hear the hard truth.” “Oh,” he says, seemingly still confused. “You southerners are strange.”

“I love you.” I say through gritted teeth, her hair wrapped tight around my fist. “I love you so much it makes me insane. I love you so much it makes me dangerous. I love you so much that I would burn this world for you and all the people in it just to keep you all to myself. Do you understand me? If it comes down to a choice, you will choose me. I don’t give a fuck if it costs the remainder of your soul. You are mine and only mine.” She sucks in a sharp breath when I kiss the side of her neck. “What about the Silencer?” “What about him?” “I belonged to him first,” she whispers. I nip at her neck and then lightly lick the red spot. “But I loved you first.”

“This one,” I say, my throat barely forming words. “Choose this one. You look perfect.” She gives herself another look in the mirror. “I’ll get a matching bowtie and pocket square.” She narrows her eyes at me in the mirror. “Didn’t realize you were a ‘matching my girlfriend’ kind of guy. Where are you going to find a matching bowtie in two days?” “Angel, never underestimate the power of a black American Express.”

“How do you know me better than I know myself?” “Because I see more than you think I do. And I see an angel who just got her wings.”

“You look good. I like when we get dressed up together.” “Not as good as you, angel. You look spectacular. Especially your makeup.” I nip at her ear. “That blush matches the exact color of your chest when my tongue is inside you.”

“What’s the verdict? Where are we moving, angel?” “Nowhere for now,” I say with a smile, looking up at him from under my lashes. “Maybe when we have a family though?” “Whatever you want.” “You’re always so quick to say that.” “That’s because I’m thoroughly pussy-whipped for you.” I can’t help the giggle that escapes my lips. “What’s so funny, Elena Reeves?” “Nothing. You just admitted I wear the pants in this relationship, is all.” He spins me in a circle and then pulls me tight to his chest. “It sounds nice, you know. My name with your last name.” His fingers trace down my body to rest on my waist. His large hands feel massive against my small frame. “Then let me give it to you,” Christian whines, practically begging. He dramatically looks around the room. “Bet the officiant is still here somewhere.” I roll my eyes playfully. “Maybe if it wasn’t my brother’s wedding, I might humor you.” He grumbles. “At least it wasn’t an outright ‘no’ this time. We’re finally getting somewhere!” I bring his head down a bit so it’s easier for me to whisper in his ear, because even in my heels, he still towers over me. “Hey, baby?” I feel him shiver and he kisses my neck. “The words that come out of your mouth after you call me baby are always naughty.” “Want to know a secret?” I feel him nod against my neck. “I may wear the pants in this relationship, but I’m not currently wearing any panties.”

“Maybe by the time Elena and I get married, he might be able to tolerate me.” Bethany perks up at the thought of her daughter getting married. “How old are you?” Quite a change in topic. “Thirty-six,” I answer with a raised eyebrow. She laughs. “I expect at least two grandchildren by the time you’re forty. If she doesn’t have a ring on her finger by next Christmas, I think I will die.” I chuckle, pulling out the engagement ring that’s been burning a hole in my pocket for weeks. I present it to Bethany for inspection. She twists it and bounces on her toes in delight at the way it sparkles. “Does it get your seal of approval?” She sighs, and dramatically puts her hand to her head and pretends to fall over. I catch her easily. “If Elena doesn’t marry you, I will.” “You know, I don’t think Elliot would appreciate me stealing his wife and his daughter. I might start World War III.” She hands back the ring. “You’d start a war for love?” “For Elena? I wouldn’t just start a war. I’d win it.”

“Ask me properly.” I don’t understand at first, but then the pieces start to fall together. The rose petal path. The white dress. She’s giving me a wedding as my Christmas present. Pulling out the ring I had made for her out of my pocket, I slowly sink down to one knee without breaking eye contact. “I’d offer you my heart and my soul, but you’ve had both of those from the moment we met. What more of myself do I have left to give that you don’t already possess?” I sigh wistfully. “I have my last name, if you think it's worthy enough to follow the five letters you’ve carved into my heart.” I take a deep breath. “Elena Louise Young, my angel, my love, my life, will you marry me?” Elena nods, giving me her finger. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

She jokingly ordered us to take Caroline to Disney World, but I took that very seriously, and we were at the park for a week straight. The first night we were there, as we were tucking Caroline into bed, she looked me dead in the eyes, kissed my cheek and said, “I have the best daddy in the whole wide world.” I almost fucking bought Disney World for her after that.

“Is this what it felt like for you? To not know if I was going to be okay?” Another sob wrecks through me. “Because I don’t know how you got through it. You’d do anything for me, right?” I scrape my nails gently along his scalp. “I’m asking you to come back to me, because I don’t know how to live without you, either.”

I get it. No one wants to pull the plug on Christian Reeves. Shaking, I help Caroline back up onto the bed. Trying, and failing, to hide my tears, I tell her, “Okay, Caro.” My voice cracks. “Say goodbye to daddy. Tell him you love him and give him a big hug.” Caroline stares at me, confused. “Where is he going?” A pained whimper escapes my throat. “He’s going to go see his parents.” She doesn’t understand, and I’m not sure I want her to. She gives him a hug and a kiss. “Bye-bye, daddy. I’ll miss you.” I tug Caroline into my chest and hold her head in the crook of my neck, facing away from him, because she doesn’t need to watch this. I hold her as tight as I can and stroke her hair while I sob quietly and nod at the doctors and medical assistants to just get it over with. Dr. Portman clears her throat quietly. “We’re going to administer a sedative to make sure he’s comfortable.” I nod, unable to open my eyes. It goes eerily quiet for a few seconds, and then I think I feel my own heart stop. “I can’t believe you’d let me go without a goodbye kiss, angel.” My eyes fly open, and I go stiff in complete shock. Christian’s eyes are open. He’s smiling at me, with that same charming smile I fell in love with and those icy blue eyes full of life. “Daddy!” Caroline giggles, pulling out of my arms and receding into his. She lands on him with a thud and he grunts in pain. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. And then, all at once, that shock is replaced with pure, unfiltered ...

“I guess I should extend the olive branch.” Christian shakes his head. “He owes you an apology. If he doesn’t tell you he’s sorry, just say the word, and I’ll take care of him.” I almost snort from how nostalgic those words feel. “My father being a dickhead isn’t grounds for murder.” Christian licks his lips and then takes his bottom lip between his teeth before giving me that devilish smile he’s mastered. “You’re no fun, angel.”

The second the mask is secured to his face, he’s not my husband. He is rage. He is danger. He’s not the King of the East Coast. He’s the Harbinger of Death. And God help me, he’s beautiful.

“I want Valenti dead, but I want you alive more.” “Those things are not mutually exclusive, Elena.” “It’s too risky.” He huffs. “You expect me to just sit here and,” he shrugs his shoulders and twists his face in a disgusted expression, “let him exist in this city after what he did to you? Tell me that’s not what you want.” I scoff humorlessly. “What I want is for you to remember that you have a family now. If revenge means you’re risking Caroline growing up without you, then no, I don’t want revenge.” “One bullet. That’s all it will take for it to be over.” He cradles my face in his hands, gently and comforting like he always has, but for some reason, I find it hard to look him in the eye. “Let me ask you something,” I prompt, pausing to take in a heavy breath and find the courage to meet his gaze. “Do you want revenge because of what Frank did to me? Or do you want revenge because you want to kill him?” “What’s the difference?” “One is for me, the other is for you.” Christian is quiet for a long moment as he reflects on that. His eyes never leave mine as he does. I know when he’s found his answer, because his hands drop from my cheeks, and now, he’s the one that can’t find the strength to look at me.

“Hey Gav?” His eyes flicker up to mine. “Do you remember what you said to me in the gym after I was shot? About how if anything happened to Elena, I’d do far worse than fire you?” His face turns three shades paler as I crack my neck and point my gun at his forehead. “Consider yourself lucky that I’m making it quick.”

“I don’t need shit from you, Reeves,” he grumbles, packing up the spare supplies. “My family is none of your business.” “I am your family!” I shout, my teeth clenched so tight it hurts. “Whether you like it or not, Bethany, Travis, Elena, you, me, Caroline…we are family and I’m sick of your past lingering over us like a fucking storm cloud all the damn time. The only crime I’ve committed is being born a Reeves, and yet I’m living a life fucking sentence having to be tied to the man who stole my entire life from me. The least you could do is not make us all so goddamn miserable.”

“I killed the Silencer.” Christian scoffs. “We’re already married. You don’t have to flirt with me.” The silence that follows his joke is nearly tangible.

“You didn’t tell me dad was dying.” “You didn’t tell me you married a serial killer.” My head snaps to her and I stare at her with wide eyes. My mom lets out a sad laugh and shrugs. “We keep secrets to protect the people we love.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t realize until this very moment that killing him won’t save you.” The gulps. “The only way I can save you is by letting you go.” He presses his forehead to hers as she cries, and then softly kisses her cheek before turning his head to look me straight in the eyes. “How’s this for misery?” He reaches for the gun Elena dropped, and before I have a chance to comprehend what he’s doing, he places it at her temple. And he pulls the trigger.

I let out a heavy sigh followed by a loud, unhinged, blood-curdling scream. I catch my breath, and then crawl back to Elena’s body, sitting in a pool of her blood. I pull her body into my lap and kiss her forehead, and then I reach for my gun. “Daddy?” My world freezes as I peek over my shoulder to see Caroline standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Her rabbit is in the crook of her elbow as she stares at me with her index finger in her mouth. “Mommy said there would be pancakes.” My entire chest feels like it’s being stabbed over and over again. With every beat of my heart, it only prolongs the pain. I look back down at Elena before glancing back over my shoulder. “Okay, baby. Just…turn around and count to one hundred, and I’ll get you some pancakes, okay?” “But daddy, I don’t know how to count to one hundred.” “That’s okay, babygirl, just turn around and count as high as you can.” I’ve been hanging on by a thread named Elena, and now she’s gone. I hold my angel to my chest and wait for Caroline to reach ten before I put the gun to my head. And like I was always meant to, I pull the trigger.