Sociopath

by Patric Gagne

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. —Oscar Wilde

But social emotions—things like guilt, empathy, remorse, and even love—did not. Most of the time, I felt nothing. So I did “bad” things to make the nothingness go away. It was like a compulsion.

Had you asked me back then, I would have described this compulsion as a pressure, a sort of tension building in my head.

The quickest way to relieve the pressure was to do something undeniably wrong, something I knew would absolutely make anyone else feel one of the emotions I couldn’t. So that’s what I did.

the stress of living without natural access to feeling is believed to be one of the causes of compulsive acts of violence and destructive behavior. All I knew was that I liked doing things that made me feel something, to feel anything. It was better than nothing.

perilous

It was luck that I was born into a world where I would be afforded almost every privilege imaginable. The truth, I am well aware, is that my life would have gone very differently if my race, my class, or my gender were otherwise.

Representation matters. I offer my story because it illustrates the truth no one wants to admit: that darkness is where you least expect it.

Whenever I ask my mother if she remembers the time in second grade when I stabbed a kid in the head with a pencil, her answer is the same:

Kids in school do this daily. Are they all sociopaths or are we becoming a sociopathic culture?

fiefdom.

“Oh,” I said again. “What’s a sociopath?” “Somebody who doesn’t feel bad about what they do,” Bobby said. “No shame. Doesn’t scare easy. Never feels guilty. Someone who isn’t afraid of getting caught and does the same stupid stuff over and over.”

So, again... teenagers? 😅😭

frenetic

What separates someone like me from someone like them? I wondered.

This is how I would keep myself safe. I would embrace my independence rather than shrink from it. I would stop trying to change my nature. Instead, I decided, I’ll just figure out a way to be invisible.

“They’re mad at first,” Granddaddy once explained. We were standing in a grassy paddock near the barn. A young horse was standing next to the fence, and I watched as my grandfather approached him and carefully slipped a halter around his neck. The horse objected, but then settled. “They kick,” Granddaddy continued softly. “They buck. They try to throw you off. But if you’re consistent, you can gain their trust.” He tugged slowly on the halter, causing the animal to gently lower his head. “You introduce pressure so they learn to release their will,” he demonstrated. “And most importantly”—Grandaddy reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of sugar cubes—“you reward their progress to encourage obedience.” The horse munched eagerly on his treat, and I giggled. “And that,” he said, winking, “is how you break a horse.”

‘Apathy’

Plutchik? And the primary emotions?” I did. Robert Plutchik was a psychologist who identified eight fundamental feelings he termed the “primary” emotions: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, and joy. I

“Empathy, guilt, shame, remorse, jealousy, even love—these are considered social emotions,” she said. “We’re not born with them. They’re learned.”

“Maddening,” I said. “Psychopaths and sociopaths are in the same boat because they’re constantly looking for a way to connect those pathways. To feel. It’s why they behave so destructively. It’s why they’re so dangerous. Eventually, the constant weight of apathy becomes too much to take.” “And then what happens?” Dr. Slack frowned. “They snap.”

“Because your behavior is motivated by different things,” said Dr. Carlin. “Borderlines act out due to an abundance of feeling. Sociopaths act out because of a deficit.

“It’s all about attachment,” she continued after a beat. “People who suffer from borderline personality disorder are desperate for love. It’s why they tend to be hyperemotional. They will go to any length to avoid loss of affection, even if it means disrespecting boundaries or engaging in destructive behavior. They don’t care about anyone else’s needs or feelings. All that matters to them are their needs and their feelings. Other people are perceived as self-objects. In other words, borderlines don’t view others as separate individuals but as extensions of themselves. Their perception of the world is therefore purely egocentric and one-dimensional. “Sociopaths, on the other hand, are not motivated by attachment,” Dr. Carlin continued. “If anything, their view of the world is shaped by a lack of attachment. But that worldview is similarly egocentric and one-dimensional. It’s why people always get them confused.”

bombastic

contrition.