Sociopath

by Patric Gagne

Inflicting pain (or distress) was a guaranteed, instantaneous method of pressure elimination.

She could never relate to feeling nothing. She could never comprehend my compulsion to harm others or do bad things.

emotional connection to right vs. wrong.

never the case with me,

Lurking beneath my surface I always had an urge to prowl or steal or stalk, sometimes even to hurt. This wasn’t because I wanted to, but because some part of me understood that it made me feel better. It made me feel, period.

My dark and light sides were no longer conflicting but coexisting.

Acts of violence, however effective at reducing the pressure, attracted a great deal of attention

The sociopath’s subconscious desire to feel is what forces him to act out.”

“Sociopathy as a spectrum disorder?”

“Empathy, guilt, shame, remorse, jealousy, even love—these are considered social emotions,” she said. “We’re not born with them. They’re learned.”

Everyone else had access to hope. Schizophrenics, alcoholics, bipolar depressives—there were treatment plans and support groups for all of them.

But sociopaths? “Nothing,”

scheduled my mischief like I would have a doctor’s prescription.

loneliness, I had come to realize, could be dangerous.

I started keeping a record of the dates and times when they arose. I soon noticed that they were most prevalent when I was alone for long periods. This was especially the case on weekends, when I would often go days without seeing anyone.

sociopaths might not be able to do anything about their psychological makeup, but they can be educated to change their behavior. I realized it when David said it was like a superpower. Sociopaths are unique because, by default, we don’t internalize things based on feelings or peer pressure. At least, I don’t. I don’t have that struggle.”

Normal people act out when their emotions become too stressful. Sociopaths act out when their lack of emotion becomes too stressful.

My anxiety isn’t gone because it’s been replaced by love. It’s gone because I feel accepted.

I don’t have to constantly be on defense about my apathy, so the apathy itself has become less stressful.”

sociopaths—from a very early age—are taught to hide or deny their apathy, lest they become outed as monsters. So the emotional void becomes a trigger for stress, for anxiety, which leads to destructive behavior. It’s a vicious cycle.

apathy isn’t the cause of sociopathy. It’s just a symptom.

I’m still immune to shame and guilt.”

much of a sociopath’s negative behavior is compulsive. It’s driven by an anxious reaction to the pressure,

by the urge to dispel the apathy.

“My entire life I thought I wanted to be like everybody else. I wanted to be normal. But I don’t now. I like that I don’t care what other people think. I like that I’m not weighed down by guilt like everyone else. If I’m being really honest,” I said, “I even like the apathy sometimes.

my reduced capacity for emotion made me far more capable of pragmatic decision-making than, say, David, whose surplus of emotion made him more prone to people pleasing. As far as my lack of guilt, I felt fortunate to have been spared such a burden.

harmful effects of shame and guilt.

low self-esteem and a propensity toward anxiety and depression,

if I could make myself become mindful of the interaction between my anxious reaction to apathy and my belief that I had to do something destructive to make it go away, could I change my belief system?

antisocial behavior demonstrated by sociopaths is often the result of stress.

Dr. Carlin, whose training was based in psychodynamics, believed

Believe? Thought, had convinced herself…Believes are for religion.

“you have to address the behavior first.”

accepting my symptoms

Cognitive journaling is a CBT technique that asks patients to keep track of actions, beliefs, and reactions to isolate patterns, moods, and urges. I used a notebook to keep a precise record, in real time, of when I noticed feelings of anxiety, what preceded the feelings, and what compulsions they triggered.

other people’s reactions to my apathy. My anxiety about their fear led me to do things I didn’t want to do. Didn’t need to do.”

I get off on doing mischievous things, and I have to actively choose not to. Every day. Like an alcoholic.

Instead of seeing me as damaged, he came to see me as different.

His desire for kindness in exchange for kindness is not selfish. It’s how most people give and receive love.”