Sociopath

by Patric Gagne

“When in doubt, tell the truth,” she liked to say. “The truth helps people understand.” Only I wasn’t sure I agreed.

I pulled some notes from my bag. “You said in class that many mental disorders are diagnosed on a spectrum, right? I wrote it down. Like autism? Some cases are more extreme than others?” “Right.”

“So, could it be that sociopaths aren’t incapable, but just have a harder time? Like an emotional learning disability?” “Emotional learning disability?” Dr. Slack gave me a quizzical glance. “Where did you hear that?” “Nowhere. I just… I figure if there’s nothing physically wrong with sociopaths, then maybe their problems are related to learning. Like dyslexia, but with feelings.” “It’s definitely a unique take,” mused Dr. Slack, “but I’m not sure it matters with regards to treatment.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Why not?” Dr. Slack leaned forward slightly. “Human beings have a hard time living without access to emotion,” she said. “Apathy has an apparently profound, although dramatically under-examined, impact on the psyche.” She tilted her head. “Think about it: What happens when a brain—which has evolved over millions of years to thrive based in no small part on its ability to acknowledge and feel emotions—cannot access or interpret them? It must be frustrating, like phantom limb syndrome.”

“Sociopaths aren’t missing a limb, but we think the neural pathways that handle processing the more complex emotions are somehow misconfigured. It’s as if the emotions are there, just a little bit out of reach.”

That I had once been in love was evidence that I was capable of learning the social emotions. The relationship may have been short-lived, but it had happened. The emotions had been real. They still were. Despite the distance and time that had passed, my feelings for David had never diminished. I liked thinking about him. I liked talking to him. It made me feel normal.

But that worldview is similarly egocentric and one-dimensional.

“But the psychological characteristics of sociopathy are not good or bad,” I continued. “Like, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with apathy. You can use that trait to make bad choices or good ones. And the more we can normalize things like that—the more that sociopaths can be educated to understand they’re not ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’—the less stress they’re likely to have about it. Ergo, the less compelled they’ll feel to act out because of it.”

Dr. Ben Karpman—one of the first physicians to receive credit for distinguishing between primary psychopathy (i.e., true psychopathy) and secondary psychopathy (i.e., true sociopathy)—argued that the antisocial behavior demonstrated by sociopaths is often the result of stress.

“I’m just tired,” I admitted, my shoulders slumping. “I love David more than anyone, more than I could ever love anyone. But you need to understand”—I looked at Everly—“at the most, my capacity for love is a fraction of David’s. But he expects me to match him all the time. And when I can’t, he takes it personally, as if I’m intentionally choosing not to love him the same way he loves me.” I shook my head. “So, I find myself pretending to have feelings I don’t have, but actually do have, just not at the level he wants.” I sighed. “It’s maddening.”

The things I liked to do, my reluctance to share, my aversion to affection—none of those things were relationship-friendly. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. I loved people. I truly did. But the way I loved was different than most. And, if I was being honest, not all that compatible.

I knew it better than anyone: The most palatable version of me was one seen from a distance.