Sociopath

by Patric Gagne

I suffered from a different type of urge, a compulsion brought about by the discomfort of apathy, the nearly indescribable absence of common social emotions like shame and empathy. But, of course, I didn’t understand any of this back then. All I knew was that I didn’t feel things the way other kids did. I didn’t feel guilt when I lied. I didn’t feel compassion when classmates got hurt on the playground. For the most part, I felt nothing. And I didn’t like the way that “nothing” felt. So I did things to replace the nothingness with… something.

Dr. Carlin, whose training was based in psychodynamics, believed that behavior is driven by our innermost thoughts, memories, and compulsions. “You can’t alter your behavior,” she’d say, “until you explore your unconscious.”

A worst-case scenario for parents. In that moment I wanted to race back in time to the child I once was and take her face in my hands. “You’re not bad,” I wanted to tell her. “I swear to God you’re a good kid, a kind kid. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Wait for me,” I wanted to beg. “Wait for me and I’ll prove it.”

The more I restructured these—and other—negative thought patterns, the better able I was to move through the world without the weight of negativity attached to my core identity. This self-liberation was delectable. It was like learning to walk after decades of crawling.