Sociopath

by Patric Gagne

Your friends would probably describe me as nice. But guess what? I can’t stand your friends.

Rules do not factor into my decision-making. I’m capable of almost anything.

But social emotions—things like guilt, empathy, remorse, and even love—did not. Most of the time, I felt nothing. So I did “bad” things to make the nothingness go away. It was like a compulsion.

The quickest way to relieve the pressure was to do something undeniably wrong, something I knew would absolutely make anyone else feel one of the emotions I couldn’t. So that’s what I did.

Sociopathy is a perilous mental condition, the symptoms, causes, and treatments for which need research and clinical attention.

I am a criminal without a record. I am a master of disguise. I have never been caught. I have rarely been sorry. I am friendly. I am responsible. I am invisible. I blend right in. I am a twenty-first-century sociopath. And I’ve written this book because I know I’m not alone.

Certainly, I was not the first child to ever play with a grown-up’s glasses. But based on the spectacles currently perched on my bookshelf, I’m pretty sure I was the only one to swipe a pair from a Beatle.

popular girl in her class. People were naturally drawn to Harlowe. She was like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, picking up new buddies wherever she went. But I was like a blond, ferret-toting Wednesday Addams, leisurely repelling everyone in my path.

Some feelings came naturally to me, like anger and happiness. But other emotions weren’t so easy. Empathy and guilt, embarrassment and jealousy were like a language I couldn’t speak or understand.

So much of my energy was spent trying to keep the pressure at bay. Succumbing to my darkest compulsions was effortless and required no energy.

My moderated bad behavior was a form of self-preservation—a clunky attempt to keep myself from doing something really bad.

(That I was essentially stalking people like a lo-fi lunatic never factored into my decision-making.)

“Because when I’m invisible, I don’t have to worry about people noticing I’m different,” I replied candidly. “I feel safest when people can’t see me because that’s when I can just be myself.”

“Sociopathy is a disorder characterized by a disinclination to empathize with others,”

The sociopath’s subconscious desire to feel is what forces him to act out.”

“Normalizing mental disorders—specifically the various symptoms of mental disorders—is essential to counteracting the stigma associated with those symptoms and replacing it with knowledge, understanding and, eventually, acceptance.”

Robert Plutchik was a psychologist who identified eight fundamental feelings he termed the “primary” emotions: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, and joy.

“Empathy, guilt, shame, remorse, jealousy, even love—these are considered social emotions,” she said. “We’re not born with them. They’re learned.”

“Psychopaths and sociopaths are in the same boat because they’re constantly looking for a way to connect those pathways. To feel. It’s why they behave so destructively. It’s why they’re so dangerous. Eventually, the constant weight of apathy becomes too much to take.” “And then what happens?” Dr. Slack frowned. “They snap.”

population, about the same percentage of those who have panic disorder. It seemed crazy that a condition affecting millions wasn’t given greater attention by the psychological association, particularly when the primary trait of sociopathy is apathy, and the primary consequence of unabated apathy is destructive behavior.

That’s why, at the first hint of pressure—at the first hint of rising apathy—I would start to get anxious. Knowing the pressure would ultimately force my hand, that the only way to get rid of it was to do something bad, I would start to feel powerless. I would start to feel trapped.

If I know that stuck stress is the result of my situational discomfort with apathy, I thought, then why not be more proactive in neutralizing that discomfort? In other words: If my anxiety is triggered by my discomfort with apathy, it might be possible to minimize that anxiety (and the destructive behavior that often resulted) by learning how to accept the apathy so it no longer made me uncomfortable.

Being on what I considered “the sociopathic spectrum” often felt like a life sentence in emotional solitary confinement. No one could relate to me.

Except instead of a brave little bird with a kind heart and identity issues in search of its mommy, I was an antisocial outlier with a limited emotional range and a habit of lying in search of a buddy.

“Borderlines act out due to an abundance of feeling. Sociopaths act out because of a deficit.

Normal people act out when their emotions become too stressful. Sociopaths act out when their lack of emotion becomes too stressful.

“How the fuck,” he managed to whisper through silent hysterics, “have you ever broken into anything? You have the coordination of a baby giraffe.”

To be sure, it was an extraordinary existence. Unorthodox, but extraordinary.