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I looked at the girl, noting now that her hair was the softest shade of brown I’d ever seen. Like a teddy bear. Warm. Comforting. Almost familiar in the way it begged to be touched.
I asked quietly, too hushed for the others to hear, while my eyes fell upon hers. God, they were so green and vivid, and my soul jerked restlessly, as if trying to rid itself of the confines of this body in this fucked up life. Desperate for something better. Something more vibrant and alive, like the emerald sparks glittering in this girl’s eyes.
“What is your name?” “Rain,” she replied without hesitation. I looked across the car at her, dubious, while holding a handful of blood-soaked napkins to my face. “Rain? Your name is Rain?” “Yes.” I snorted, turning my eyes back on the road. “Wow. Okay. What, are your parents hippies or something?” “Uh, I don’t think you should be the one making fun of my name,” she fired back with more confidence than before. “Like, hello? Your parents named you Soldier.” One side of my mouth quirked into a smile. I saw no reason to tell her I only had one parent, and I winced at the pain in my cheek.
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She was pretty. Maybe the prettiest girl I had ever seen.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I replied honestly. “But you hurt him.” I shook my head. “I hurt him because he was hurting you. Protecting someone is different. I’ll always pick protecting over making someone my victim.”
Rain. With the pretty eyes and soft hair.
And that was when I realized that it didn’t always matter what tree the apple fell from. Sometimes, it was just rotten.
“Mr. Mason, as I mentioned before, I do wholeheartedly believe that you are, regardless of the unfortunate circumstances in which you were born into, a good man because it is my personal opinion that a truly terrible man doesn’t believe he is in fact terrible. It is my deepest hope that you will somehow find peace in spite of the crimes you have committed and the tragedies you have faced during your short life and that, at the end of your sentence, you are able to begin the second chapter of your life with the brightest of lights guiding your way—the way the first should have begun—coupled
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To know that these guys—and I mean dudes convicted of worse crimes than me—had parents, wives, kids, and friends out there who loved them and cared for them after everything they’d done and I had no one. Not a single fucking person. And that sucked. A lot. So, one day, out of desperation, I took up writing letters to the one person I could think of who I’d never wronged. The only person who I’d truly saved. I wrote letters to a girl named Rain. A girl with the prettiest, softest brown hair I’d ever seen.
The selection was worse than an elementary school cafeteria, but I was determined to not eat another crappy burger for my thirtieth birthday. It was a new decade, baby, and I had a good feeling in my bones.
It was eleven eleven, and it had been my first good day in River Canyon.
She smiled, and my stomach stumbled over itself, mid-somersault.
What stood out to me though was that Ray hadn’t just replied to that woman—she had defended me. And while Noah followed me as I swept and his mom let him while not allowing others to talk shit about me to her, it almost seemed like I had two more people on my side. It was nice, and Tuesdays became my favorite day.
Ray bit her bottom lip for a moment, looking up at me with those gorgeous, sparkling green eyes, and I wished I knew what she was thinking—what she thought of me.
How is she so fucking pretty?
“If you need me, you know where to find me. Bang on my door, yell for me—whatever you have to do—and I will protect you.”
“I have to go to work, but I hope you’ll tell me what’s going on. You can trust me, Ray—you know that—and whatever’s going on, I can help. I want to help.”
Two or three books a week was my average, depending on the length of the story, and thankfully, the library was just a short walk from work. And thankfully, I had an in with the prettiest librarian.
I said that I should read it, and she said I wouldn’t like it, that it was probably too mushy and romantic for my taste. But ever since the moment I’d met her, I had been pretty certain I would like anything she did, for the simple opportunity of getting to know her—her heart and soul—just a little better.
So, we walked along, beneath a sky with more stars than I’d seen in any other town with this many lights, and I made sure to keep my steps in time with hers, never wanting to leave her side.
“No. I mean, that’s my name. Ray is short for Rain.” My gait slowed as, all at once, I remembered a girl with soft brown hair and a scream I could still hear to this day. The only girl—the only person—from my time before Wayward whom I had never wronged, whom I had simply saved. The girl who had kept me sane during a time I might’ve otherwise gone crazy.
“I met a girl named Rain once.” Ray hugged her book even tighter. “And I once met a guy named Soldier.” There’s no way. There’s no possible way … But … what if …
I felt like a kid, carrying my stuff home from school, staring down at the prettiest girl in my class. It was a moment, a pivotal one, and I knew it despite never having a real moment before in my life.
In it was a stack of letters I had written to a girl who existed for the most part in my head, where I had imagined what incredible things she might’ve gone on to do after I rescued her from a violation I never would’ve forgiven myself for had I allowed it to happen under my watch. I pulled out those letters, holding them in my hands for the first time in months, unable to believe that the person I had written them to was standing right outside. I hesitated only a moment before climbing to my feet and running back through the front door, where I found her still waiting by her steps.
She lifted her eyes from the letters to look at me, her lips curved in an indecipherable smile. Then, she asked, “Would it be okay if I read these?” It was surreal to accept that she was even holding them, let alone with an interest to read them, but I nodded. “Of course. Your name’s on them, isn’t it?”
remembering that we both had lives to get back to. You know, a cat and a kid to feed. Showers to take. Books to read. A pretty girl to think about.
She stood just a foot before me, just about at eye-level, thanks to the steps giving her some extra height. Her breath hitched as she looked at me so closely, and mine did too. She looked different from this angle. I mean, she was always pretty, but, man, head-on like this … I didn’t think I’d ever seen anything more beautiful in my life.
The hand I held against her shoulder dared to move just a few centimeters over to her golden-brown hair, falling over her neck like a waterfall of honey. Touching its length for the first time after years of wondering, and you know what? It was even softer than I’d imagined.
“I know what to do with pain, Ray,” I said, keeping my tone barely above a whisper. “Give yours to me. Let me carry it, so you don’t have to anymore.”
She held my gaze and flattened her palm on my cheek, covering the evidence that I’d once protected her. Before I knew her name. Before I knew her. And she had to know now that there was nothing I wouldn’t do. I’d mark my entire body if I had to. I’d lay down my life. I’d run to hell on my bare feet, harness the Devil, and force him to kneel in submission. All to be certain that the bogeyman she knew and feared never laid a hand on her or her son again.
All of a sudden, all at once, she became everything I had lost and needed so desperately that I could hardly breathe, and now, with her in my arms, I released a deflating exhale, afraid to ever let her go again.
There was something so normal about it, something that said we could have this all the time—maybe even forever—and I liked it a lot. It was funny. For years, I’d never thought forever with another person could exist in my world. Yet there I was, envisioning her walking down the aisle in a premature daydream.
I bent to kiss her softly, barely brushing my lips against hers, as I thought, This is nice. I could get used to it. I just hope I get to keep it for a while.
I followed. I thought I would follow her anywhere.
I knew Ray was only a nickname, but strolling beside her, with the sun bringing light to the golden streaks in her golden-brown hair, an old, familiar tune rang through my head. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine …
I didn’t want to go home yet, and this moment felt too much like the end, so in a bold move, I captured that hand once again in mine and held it firmly against my chest, directly above my heart. Can she feel it? I wondered. Can she tell how hard it’s beating for her?
It was always meant to be her.
“I see my hope,” I answered, letting the shirt drop to the floor. “I see my dreams.” I undid my pants and pushed them down low on my hips. “I see my salvation and redemption.”
“You enjoy yourself.” She snorted, her eyes twinkling with jest. “And while you're at it, would you clean my bathroom? Because I freakin' hate doing that.” “Baby, I'd clean your whole damn house if you asked me to.” Noah's eyes widened with hope and desperation. “Wait, wait, wait … does that mean I don't have to vacuum or do dishes anymore?” I shrugged, eyeing Ray with a raised brow and a smirk. “Hey, if your mom says it's okay …” He grabbed at his mother’s arm and tugged at her shirt. “Mom, do I still get an allowance if Soldier does all my chores?” Ray glowered at me with a threat that said,
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“If you're uncomfortable, that's okay. But don't leave to protect Noah from something he's already aware of. And honestly, we both feel better when you're here anyway.” I furrowed my brow, staring into the darkness as my arm tightened around her small body. “He said that?” Her head softly bobbed against my chest. “We talked about it the other day. You make us feel safe.”
Ray hummed contentedly. “Good thing I’m the brains and you’re the brawn.” “Hey”—I laughed, jostling her as I lay back down—“are you calling me stupid?” “Not at all, Brawny,” she teased, tucking herself back inside my embrace. “Now”—she laid a finger over my lips—“shush and go to sleep with me.” I kissed the tip of her finger and nestled my chin against her shoulder. Then, before anything else had the chance to keep me awake, I fell soundly asleep to the hush of her breathing.
My mouth was dry with the revelation of her words passing round and round and round in my head. I love you, I love you, I love you. When the fuck was the last time someone had told me they loved me?
“I think love is when someone is more important in your heart than you are,” he said, speaking like a guy who did in fact know more on the topic than me. “Huh,” I said, nodding. “That makes sense. You know, you’re pretty smart.” He shrugged nonchalantly, then asked, “So, do you think you love her?” “Well, I mean, I would do anything for her—and you. So, I guess that makes her pretty important.” “And do you think about her all the time? Because, like, this girl in my class—Beth … I know I love her because I think about her almost every minute of every freakin’ day.” I turned with narrowed eyes.
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I had apparently fallen in love for the first time in my life and I had needed a thirteen-year-old to make me realize it. “Wow,” I uttered, full of clarity and awe. “You should tell her.” “Yeah …” I nodded, my stare blank and my heart hammering. “I think you’re right.” “Then, you should get married so that you can be my dad.”
She looked over her son’s head and met my eye with a smile and every bit of the love she had for me. How the hell had I not realized I felt the same when I looked at her?
“We all know his father is a piece of fucking garbage, but to add insult to injury, the first and only man I ever allow myself to fall in love with is an ex-con, convicted of”—she threw a gesture toward the ceiling and her eyes followed—“fucking manslaughter.” “And possession of a controlled substance.” The corner of my mouth lifted in an apologetic smile while my heart begged to admit that she was the first and only woman I'd fallen in love with too. A watery laugh pushed past her lips. “Oh, of course, silly me. How could I forget?”
“I love you.” The final plate slipped from her hand to drop at Noah’s spot at the table as she turned to face me, her lips parted and her eyes already welling up with fresh tears. “What?” With those words now out in the universe, my chest puffed with a new confidence, a sense of freedom, as I gripped her shoulders in my hands and said, “I love you,” enunciating every word and enjoying the way each one felt on my tongue. Ray clapped a hand over her mouth as she laughed through the tears. “I don’t know why I’m so surprised. I already knew … I mean, I thought I knew, and—” “What are you guys
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I took a moment to quietly look at them. To allow the realization that, in some way, we had become a family to settle in. I loved these people. I had chosen them, the way I’d once chosen Billy’s mom to be mine, but this time, they’d chosen me too. This is my favorite day, I found myself thinking. This is the best day of my freakin’ life.
With an angry grumble, I pulled a pillow over my head, ignoring the irritating sound and closing my eyes again. My nose found Ray’s hair and the springtime flowers and lavender she kept there, and I smiled to myself despite the noise. I love her, I love her, I love her, I thought, allowing the truest of truths to resound louder than the offending noise penetrating my ear drums despite the pillow.
I love her, I love her, I love her. And how lucky I am to be given that chance. How lucky we both are to be given each other. I love her, I love her, I love her, I love …
