The Shuddering

by Ania Ahlborn

The monsters of his youth were chasing him. They were hungry. They were real.

“I hate oatmeal,” Lauren confessed. “There’s just something about it.” “Baby vomit,” Ryan told them. “The look, the texture.”

Sawyer Thomas had a predictable nickname. He declared that if he was to be named after anybody, Tom Sawyer wasn’t a bad kid to have as a namesake.

“So good to meet you,” Jane told her, sounding a little too excited. She took a backward step, feeling as plastic as possible. “I like your coat,” she said, unsure how to continue. How’s it like to be with the guy I still think about?

“Dude, I’ll buy you a fucking Vespa if only to see the wind in your hair.” They looked at each other, both of them deadpan. “If it wasn’t for that stupid earflap hat,” Sawyer continued, “I’d run my fingers through your locks right now.” “Tonight,” Ryan promised. “After the girls have gone to bed.” “By the fire?” “With Jane’s chocolate cake between us. I’ll whip us up a bearskin rug.”

“We’re a million miles from anywhere,” Ryan said. “It’s just us and the trees. Nobody will know, because nobody knows we’re here.”

His ability to travel the world while she was stuck in 160 square feet of cubicle space made her hate him a little. He was that guy: the one everyone secretly detested not because he was loaded, but because he was free.

“And warm woolen mittens,” they all finished together, laughing as April watched in silence, a smile pulled tight across her mouth.

This bitch is going to die

“Hey,” Ryan said, snapping her out of her daze. “You okay?” She turned to the sink and nodded sternly. “Fine,” she said. “Just tired.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Thanks for dinner,” he said. “You’re tops, Janey. Just swell!” Jane smirked and smacked him with a dish towel as he turned to join the others upstairs. “Idiot,” she murmured, turning on the tap.

Sweet home Alabama vibes

“At least it happened when it did, right?” Jane said nothing. “Shit, that came out wrong. I’m just saying that—” “Yeah,” Jane cut in. “I get it. No kids, no big deal.” She frowned at the edge in her voice.

Inviting Sawyer to the wedding had been a strange thing to do. She’d never admit that after dropping his invitation in the mail, she’d hoped he’d show up, if only to answer the pastor’s call: “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

April couldn’t help but crack a smile as they pushed each other around. Their obvious flirtation raised her spirits. They laughed a bit too loudly as they waited in line, standing a bit too close together, Lauren pestering him by tugging at his zippers, Ryan reciprocating by pulling her hat off her head.

“The lift operator won’t let you up anyway,” Jane assured him. “He will if I give him a twenty. Besides, who could resist this face?” Ryan caught Lauren by the cheeks and squeezed, her lips puckering up like a goldfish. Lauren smiled through her contorted face, and Jane couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“Hark, fair maiden!” Ryan sidestepped the pool table and saddled up to Lauren with a flourish. “Thou art beautiful, but a lousy cheat.” “I play to win, Count.” Lauren batted her lashes at him. “And I live to drink,” Ryan shot back, “and must drink to live!” He seized her in his arms and she squealed as she fell back in a dip, Ryan exposing his teeth vampire-style before biting her neck.

“Shut up,” she told him, gathering up Lauren’s cake plate on her way to the kitchen. “What?” Ryan blinked, feigning offense. “That’s the second time I’ve been told to shut up in a thirty-second span. When did we all get so hostile?”

Ever since she was a kid, she’d cry when she was scared or angry, as though processing an excess of emotion at once was too much for her to handle.

“We scared it off.” Ryan nearly sounded disappointed. “Damn.” Lauren snapped her fingers. “And here I was hoping we were all going to die.”

Despite her love for the summer, a fresh coat of snow always left her excited. And she pictured her and Ryan building a giant snowman on the porch just outside the kitchen door.

Ew

Why don’t you go wake up your friend, go plow the road? Speaking of…” Her words tapered off. Jane looked back to the kitchen just in time to catch Ryan’s entrance. His hair was wild, sticking up in every direction. He shielded his eyes against the glare of the snow, then greeted the fighting couple with a few gravelly words: “Plow it with what, my dick?”

“Fucking maniac. I knew it the second I set eyes on her.” “Knew what?” “That she’s as crazy as a bag of cats.” Jane bit her tongue, taking a sip of coffee. “I have my radar set to batshit. I can smell a psycho from a mile away.”

“And you regret that I did, right?” she asked. “You regret finally meeting Lauren. I can tell by the way you can’t keep your eyes off her.” “I don’t regret meeting Lauren,” he confessed. “Lauren is fucking amazing.” Jane stared into the sink, her fingers gripping the edge of the counter. “But you know what?” he asked. “What?” “I sort of resent it.”

Are you creeps going to start kissing?

“It’s true, then,” he said steadily. “There was an ulterior motive. You knew what was going to happen, that we were going to dig each other. How ironic that I should meet a girl I actually like weeks before packing up my shit and moving halfway across the world.”

He crossed the kitchen to meet Jane at the sink, turning her to face him by looping his arms through hers and pulling her into an unanticipated hug. Jane sighed against his shoulder, mutely shaking her head at their situation. “I love you,” he told her.

Uhm… brother and sister

He couldn’t help but think that maybe Ryan had been right—April was a mistake. Because what kind of a girl stooped so low as to break such important news in such a cold, calculated way? What kind of a girl was willing to destroy his dearest relationships because she was pissed?

Ryan shook his head as if to say forget it. “It’s your life,” he said. “It was screwed up of me to try to stand in your way. I’m sure she’s great.” Sawyer frowned at Ryan’s resignation. Something about it felt finite, like his closest, truest friend was giving up on him, like Sawyer had just traded a best friend in for a wife.

“Don’t do that,” he told him. “Do what?” Ryan asked. “Finally stop being a dick and start being supportive? What else is there for me to do?” “You’ll always be a dick,” Sawyer assured him, staring down at the snow. “I should probably try to fix that, or I’ll end up turning into my dad.” “Probably.”

April sat in the passenger seat, pissed off, not speaking—silence he was sure to miss a few minutes from now, when she’d grow tired of the silent treatment and launch into another tirade.

April said nothing despite the wall of snow ahead of them, and for a moment Sawyer wondered whether she realized how unachievable this was. Maybe that was why she wasn’t saying anything—because she knew it was impossible.

Maybe she was stewing in her own defeat, ready to tell him to forget it. But Sawyer wasn’t going to forget it—not after what she’d pulled back there. She wanted to go, so they’d go.

Passive-aggressiveness had slithered into his bloodstream, infectin...

“Like I want to hang out with your preppy-ass friends anyway.” She scowled. “It’s like spending a weekend with Donnie and fucking Marie.” Sawyer closed his eyes, trying to keep his cool. “It’s gross,” she told him. He blinked at her. “Gross that you associate with people like that.”

That was when April started sobbing. Sawyer blinked at the girl next to him, surprised by her response. There was no question that she would resist hiking back up the driveway, but he couldn’t help but stare as she shook her head in insistence, her fists pounding against her knees, a full-fledged temper tantrum—something he had yet to witness in the six months they had been together. “No no no no NO!” she yelled. “I’m not going back in there! I want to go home!”

Yuckkkkkk

“Even if you get down this road, you’re never going to make it to the highway.” “Why don’t you mind your own business?” she wailed. “I don’t even know you.” “Jesus,” Sawyer said. “If you don’t drive, I will,” April cried into her hands. “Just stay here with your friends, okay? I don’t want to be here anymore.”

Sawyer’s mind reeled, wondering why the hell he had just done what he’d done, wondering if this stupid move had been some subconscious sabotage to stay here longer now that April’s ring was in the pocket of his coat, now that he was free. The Jeep tipped over, pinning April’s door in place as she bawled. They were stuck for good.

“Holy shit, dude. Holy shit. You just wrecked your car,” he marveled, unable to peel his eyes away from the leaning vehicle. “Your baby. Your pride and joy.” Sawyer stared at the Jeep for a long while, as though suddenly realizing exactly what he had done. And then he shrugged. “Yeah, I did. Didn’t see that coming, did you?”

“Where are you going?” Sawyer asked her. “Home!” she yelled back. Sawyer tipped his head up to the sky—God save me—and groaned. Ryan paused in his ascent and stood next to him, looking back at April as she stumbled through shin-deep powder. “Are you going to get her?” he asked. “No,” Sawyer said. “Let her walk it off.”

She’s dead

“I can’t believe you actually asked her,” Ryan said after a while. “I don’t want to talk about it,” Sawyer said. “Seriously, don’t ever bring that up again.”

The way he had taken back the ring, no protest, no anything—Sawyer wouldn’t marry her now. She had seen the look on his face, uncertainty veiling a ghost of relief. She had shown him the darkest part of herself—the anger and jealousy that occasionally took hold of her, consuming her like a fire. It had startled him, and now he’d call the whole thing off, baby or not.

She wondered whether this was how it felt to be lost, alone, spiraling toward some inevitable fate. The endless expanse of white, the silence, the solitude were overwhelming.

When Sawyer became worried enough, it would be easy to find her. And that was what she wanted. Despite her anger, she wanted him to see how far she’d stalked away from the house—that distance representing the hurt he’d caused. She wanted to hear him call her name, to follow her into the emptiness, to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, a classic black-and-white movie moment. Damn it, April, don’t you know I love you? And then she’d crumple in his arms. All would be forgiven. She’d apologize, beg him to take her back.

A picnic in the mountains didn’t sound so bad as long as he was by her side. She was tired of being damaged. She was ready to let it all go.

You won’t get to lol

They had been following her all this time. But why hadn’t she heard them talking? Why had they let her come this far? Because it’s not them, she thought.

She had wandered onto someone’s property and the landowner was a psychopath, horror-movie insane. Maybe he lived out in the middle of nowhere because out in the middle of nowhere there wasn’t anyone around to hear the screams.

Lauren gave a bloodcurdling scream. Ryan’s heart ceased to beat. No, he thought. Nonono! He reeled around, hardly able to process the scene. There was blood. So much blood. Lauren was still kicking at the thing above her, but with only one leg. Her other leg lay motionless in the crimson snow, detached, the foot twisted at an impossible angle.

Oh fuck I didn’t think she’d get attacked

in a move that was a gruesome imitation of a sex act, lifted Lauren’s hips before burying its mouth in the massive, gushing wound below her pelvis. Its black eyes locked onto Ryan as it fed, challenging him as sucking noises punctuated the short-lived silence, broken by Lauren’s final scream.

If Lauren didn’t make it, neither did she.” “Why?” Sawyer clenched his teeth at the insinuation. “Because you liked Lauren better?” “Because it’s not goddamn logical. How can she be out there, Sawyer? She was wearing jeans and a designer coat, for fuck’s sake. If they didn’t get her, the cold already has.”

This just makes sense

“Don’t!” she yelped, but it only made Sawyer shove Ryan again. “Say it again,” Sawyer challenged, releasing Ryan’s coat a second later, disgusted. “You guys, stop.” Jane stared at them both with wide, glassy eyes. “We can’t turn against each other.”

PFFFTTTT I CANT

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing away the knowledge that Lauren had tried to run, she had scrambled and screamed, she had stared into those gaping jaws during the last second of her life.

Terrified and trembling, Jane slowly looked to Ryan, and she could see it on his face—he knew they couldn’t go out there. They’d be dead within minutes. A gun wasn’t going to do a damn thing.

He ran at her, catching her a split second before she pulled open the door. Jane thrashed against him, trying to fight her way free. “Where’s Ryan?” she wailed. “I’m right here.” Ryan caught his sister by her arm, trying to calm her down.

This stupid bitch