More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“What I meant to say, Bailey . . .” He emphasizes my name in a way that sends a shiver down my spine. His hand cups my head so I can’t look anywhere but straight at him. “What I meant to say is . . . will you go out with me?”
“I’m done pretending to be head over heels in love with you because I’m legitimately head over heels in love with you. And acting like I’m not tears me up.”
“Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe this is impulsive. Maybe you don’t love me back. But I’ll wait. I don’t care. I’ll take my time with you. So long as I know you’re really mine, I can be patient.”
“Stop thinking what you’re thinking. Stop pretending this isn’t real.” He bends slightly and lifts me, picking me up easily and carrying me back toward the house. “Stop telling me what I intend to do,” he whispers against my ear. “Because I do intend to marry you. And I want you to wear that fucking ring while I show you that it’s true.”
“Do you really love me?” Do I love her? God. What a pedestrian question, one that feels like it doesn’t encompass all the feelings I have for her. It doesn’t seem like enough. But I’ll keep telling her, keep showing her, until I figure out better words to describe the way I feel about her. “Bailey Jansen, I love you,” I murmur
“I don’t think anyone has ever loved me.”
I’ve seen a lot of sad shit in my life, but none of it has wounded me the way that one sentence just did.
Love is telling me I’m acting like an asshole when no one else will. Love is taking me shopping to find shoes that don’t rub my feet raw. It’s waking up every goddamn night for weeks to swim in the river with me, so I don’t have a nightmare.
“Then let me be the first to do that too.”
“I love you.” “Okay,” she whispers, like she still can’t quite believe it. And that’s fine with me. I like a challenge.
Beau gives me so much. I worry I’ll never be able to repay him.
“Still not letting my guard down. Not when I’ve got you to keep safe.”
This girl has brought me back to life without even trying. All that time I searched for someone to make me feel something, and she was right fucking there.
“I love you,” I repeat to her, not caring I’ve said it multiple times tonight and she hasn’t. You don’t tell a person you love them with the expectation they’ll say it back. You tell them because you want to. You tell them because it’s true.
I spent many hours in a cave in Afghanistan wishing I’d told more people how much they meant to me. I promised myself I would start, but I’ve been too hung up on my shit to get around to it.
“My pain disappears when I’m with you. I get to be a new version of myself when I’m with you. I sleep. I laugh. I have something—someone—to look forward to at the end of the day. I feel . . .” I peer back up at her again, swallowing as I run my hands up the column of her spine. “I feel whole again with you.”
I wake with a start, shooting straight out of bed, practically shoving Bailey off of me as I go. A glance at the clock tells me it’s 3:26 a.m., which is a refreshing change from 2:11. We must have either slept or fucked through that one.
Something is off. It feels like a spider is crawling up my spine. Call it what you want—a sixth sense maybe. One that has saved my life countless times in the field.
I bounce my knee, noting the way their eyes drop to the gun propped on it. I wouldn’t actually shoot them, but I get a kick out of watching them go real fucking still. I feel like the old me. In my element.
“You heard me. Harass her again and I’ll paint my driveway with your brains. You won’t be the first man I’ve killed, but you could easily be the last.”
I pick up the gun and pretend like I’m taking aim, which is when they scramble. I almost want to laugh.
“Starting to think you ask me if I’ve ever tried something just to make me show you how, sugar. Such a needy little brat.”
Does it make me a brat that I get a real thrill out of saying things that shock him?
“Bailey.” “Yeah?” “I can feel you worrying.” “Yeah?” I snort. “Is that something they teach you as a tier one operator?”
Bailey: Lol. But who’s counting, right? Beau: Me. I’m counting. Bailey: He’s hot *and* can count. Really, the whole package.
“How do I look?” I stare at her for a few beats. What a woman. What an incredible fucking woman. She deserves the goddamn world. And I’m going to be the one to give it to her. “Like mine,” I say with a firm nod.
“Beau,” she hisses through her teeth and tugs at my shirt. “Don’t do this. It’s not your place.” I tilt my head and gaze down at her, memorizing the little freckle beside her upper lip just in case I never get close enough to see it again. “Yeah, it actually is.”
The back door crashes open, and I know this man would tear the world apart to find me. To save me. But I’m so tired of needing saving.
“Bailey!” His palm lands flat on the door of my trailer. I can hear it slap. The childish part of me wants to keep hiding from him and not respond. But the part of me that’s in love with him is being shredded, strip by strip, as I listen to him frantically search for me.
I want to hug him, and I want to hit him. All at once.
“How long?” My gaze bounces between the swirling metallic pools in his eyes. “As long as it takes for me to not be this mad at you.” His lips press into a flat line as he bites down on whatever he was about to say. And then, after a beat, he repeats what he’s already told me. “Sugar, I am so sorry.” I smile sadly and draw away from him. “I know,” is all I say
“Didn’t know you could bartend.” “I can’t, and Gary was really mean to me all night.”
“You’re relentless, you know that?” And I just give her a salute and a wink. Because yeah, I am. No one has ever showed up for Bailey, but she’s about to get the full experience. “No, sugar. When it comes to you, I’m downright hopeless.”
“No, listen. You need out of this town. For a while there, I thought you didn’t. For a while, I thought I could make it better here for you. But the truth is, you made my life better, so much fucking better, and I worry I made yours worse.”
“You’re full of shit, is what you are. And she figured you out.” “Jas, what the fuck? You’re supposed to be my brother from another mother. What is this tough love garbage? I thought you were on my team.”
“Told you I love you, Bailey. And I meant it.” He gives me a wink and hits the truck roof twice, like I’m a fucking cab driver or something. “Make sure whatever house you pick has room for us to host family dinners. You know the Eaton clan will visit more than we want them to.”
“Been sitting here thinking about today. It feels good to be wanted because you bring something to the table. I’m really proud about this possibility, Bailey. It feels like I earned it. And I’m sorry I took that away from you.”
“Actually, I went to one. She showed me the dining room, and I started crying.” “Why? Was it nice?” “No.” I sniff, feeling the tears slip out past my lashes. “It was too fucking small for our family dinners.” I finish the sentence with a true sob, one that he hears loud and clear. “Oh, Bailey.” His voice is so tender, and his grip is so firm as he gathers me against him. Strong arms encircle my shoulders. “Baby, please don’t cry. I’ll do anything to make you not cry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I fucking missed you. God. Even when I’m furious with you, I want to be with you.” He grins. “It’s not funny. I think I’m obsessed with you. Like every other starry-eyed girl in that godforsaken town.”
He laughs. “Don’t laugh. It’s diagnosable. I’m mad at you, and I lay awake all night wondering if you were sleeping. Or if you’d eaten. After years of holding it together, I’ve finally lost it.”
“You’re not used to anyone showing up for you, Bailey. This is what that looks like. I told you I love you. I’ve never loved a woman before. Wasn’t sure I ever would. But now I do. And you and me? We’re a team. You don’t quit on your teammates. You don’t leave a man behind. So now you’re stuck with me. I’m just being patient. Waiting for you to come back.”
“It’s like I’ve been searching for something, something to tie me to this new reality. I wasn’t looking for love; I was looking for a purpose. I just didn’t expect my purpose to be you.”
“I love you, Beau.” That blinding smile is back, but this time it’s matched with glassy eyes. He nods at me, every motion swimming with love. Admiration. I can feel the affection in everything he does.
“But I don’t think I’ve ever really loved anyone either.”
“That’s okay, baby. I can be your first,” he says.
The first, last, and only man to love me.
Beau: Everyone better show up tonight. Harvey: YES, SIR. Beau: You can’t say that. Like, ever, Dad. Harvey: Why not? Harvey: . . . Sir? Beau: You just can’t. It’s off the table now. Jasper: REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR. Rhett: SEE YOU FOR DINNER, SIR. Cade: WHY AM I RELATED TO SO MANY IDIOTS, SIR? Beau: I hate you all. See you tonight.
“And we’ll change. And we’ll have difficulties. Because that’s life. You don’t recognize the highs without the lows, sugar. I’ve changed too.”
“That’s how I knew you were it. That’s how I know I’ll love you in every version of yourself, because we’re all constantly changing. Growing. Becoming.”
“You fill me with purpose. Lifting you up gives me a reason. Seeing you smile makes me feel whole. And I’m never going to apologize for that. We’re symbiotic, you and me. Without you, this version of me doesn’t exist. Without the next version of you, the next version of me doesn’t exist either. We’re going to grow together.”
