The Heart of a Mother

by Julie Clark

Exiled until my body no longer betrayed my shame. Forbidden from knowing any of the terms surrounding the adoption. It’s for your own good, and it’s what’s best for the baby.

There’s an emotional toll to carrying a baby, giving birth to them, and then giving them away. It eats away at you. The idea of your child out there, not knowing you . . . it’s soul crushing.

Choosing adoption as the only alternate happy ending to abortion is a fallacy, because giving up a child is a trauma that happens not only to you but to your child as well.

There were women like me everywhere. The silent ones who’d tried and tried and tried and then quietly gave up. Accepted that hole in their hearts and tried to paper over it with other things.

All my life, I’d made it a point to respect the boundaries of others. But now I could see how easy it was to move that line. And once you’d pushed a boundary, how easy it was to push it a little further. And a little further after that. How simple it was to ignore the word no, especially when it was never actually said.

“When a mother gives up a child, it fundamentally changes her, on a cellular level,” I said, carefully choosing my words. “I wasn’t the same person I’d been before I was pregnant.” I could feel the tears coming, the futility of my words, knowing that no matter what I said, it would never be enough to explain what I’d done twenty-five years ago or the choices I’d made in the last several months. “Over the years it’s a yearning—a physical need that buzzes beneath your skin, a constant reminder that something important is missing.”

“Did you ever consider that what happened to me was a trauma? That I’ve spent my entire life carrying that around inside of me?”

I guess when you want something badly enough, for long enough, your mind finds a way for you to have it. To believe that it’s possible for your deepest desire to be true. And when you make that deepest desire part of your public persona and share it with the world, it shouldn’t surprise you when someone comes along and tries to give it to you.

Some people might call this an obsession. But perhaps, in some ways, that’s what unconditional love really is.