Tell Me It's Real (At First Sight, #1)

by T.J. Klune

That was a lie. I’d gotten a zit the other day in the middle of my forehead that I glared at in the mirror until it went away. You don’t need Proactiv when you have the sheer force of will. Justin Bieber is a liar and a fat mouth.

I guarantee you there has never been a single person in the world who ate a salad and said, “Gee, I am so full now. Thank God I just had that.” It’s just not possible. My body needed bacon to live.

The radicchio was purple, not his snort. Just in case you got confused there. I don’t think it’s possible for people to snort colors. We’re not unicorns, after all.

Gaaarrrryyyyy<3

“You’re like that donkey from Winnie the Pooh,” he told me. “On crack.”

“Who’s Kelly Clarkson?” he asked, leaning back a little and frowning. “Is she a friend of yours? If you want, I can talk to her for you. Put her at ease.” “Nocturnal emissions are wet dreams!” I shouted at him and then ran around him and back up the stairs. I tripped, but that’s cool. I meant to do it because it added more drama to my exit.

“Like he needs to hit things with his car to get off?” Doc Hal asked, glancing at me. “That brings a whole new meaning to the word ‘autoerotic’.” “Are you even allowed to say things like that?” I growled at the doctor. “I don’t get it,” Vince said, sounding confused again. “I spent twelve years going to medical school,” Doc Hal said to me. “And I still have over a hundred grand in student loans. I’m allowed to say things like that because if I didn’t have a sense of humor, I’d be sad.”

“Paul?” “Yeah?” “Don’t take this the wrong way.” I tried not to flinch. Here it comes. Vince sighed. “I think I’m going to fall in love with you.” He made it sound as if it was inevitable. And wonderful. I choked on air. And my tongue. And my saliva. And my thoughts.

“Your mom thinks that if I was gay, I’d be a bottom,” he whispered to me. “The fact that you’re sharing this with me does not bode well for how tonight is going to go,” I told him.

“I’m being serious! He’s going to want to get naked and when he does, he’ll be all like, ‘Oh, hey, look at me. I just came from the gym and my abs are so rock hard and perfect and I have thighs of steel.’ And then I’ll get naked and be all like, ‘Oh hey, look at me. I just came from Denny’s and I look like I swallowed a baby.’” “Well, if you are already thinking about swallowing babies, at least you’re on the right track,” she pointed out. Like a jerk.

“You can be Stand Off In The Corner guy.” “Fine, but what about the Secret Service?” “The what now?” “The Secret Service. Won’t they be guarding the First Lady’s room?” “I don’t think we really understand how local politics work.”

“That’s the second time I’ve heard that from someone who knows him, and I still don’t know how I feel about that. I’ve really got to stop him from trying to describe me to people. With the description he gives, I probably sound like some awkward tentacle-monster trying to fight Godzilla for control over Tokyo.” Thankfully, I was able to stop right there and not demonstrate what said tentacle monster from Tokyo would sound like, even though I desperately wanted to growl and snarl and howl as I stomped across the room, pretending to chase away tiny Asian people as I destroyed their beloved city. I figured Vince’s mom wouldn’t appreciate live theater in her room, even if I had once performed as a block of cheese.