Dad Is Fat

by Jim Gaffigan

It’s not just in comparison to moms or other dads that I feel inferior; it’s to all other parents in general. To me, it seems like other parents are smarter, more organized, and more patient. Other parents remember that the napkin is as important an element to the ice-cream cone as the ice cream and the cone. Maybe even more important. Other parents remember to bring drinks to the park and towels to the beach. Not me. “Today we are going to let the sun dry you off. If you’re thirsty, head over to the water fountain the homeless guy is sleeping under.” Other parents seem calmer and filled with endless patience. I watch them in awe at the park. “Hunter, Mommy is not pleased with your behavior right now.” I always have to hold myself back from yelling at other people’s bratty kids, “Shut up, Hunter, or I’ll come over to your house and break all your toys! What kind of name is Hunter anyway? Good luck with that.”