People Can't Drive You Crazy If You Don't Give Them the Keys

by Mike Bechtle

Kindness is contagious. It’s an antacid for living in a toxic world. It’s the tool God has given us to change the world by influencing others—one heart at a time.

Mark Twain said that if you always tell the truth, you don’t have to have a good memory.

Live your life in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. (Will Rogers)

It doesn’t matter if we’re doing more things if we’re not doing the right things.

In economics, the concept is called “opportunity cost.” It means that whatever you say yes to, you’re automatically saying no to everything else at that time.

The more value something has to us, the more careful we are. That’s why we try not to drop our laptop or balance a glass of lemonade on the keyboard. That principle applies to our relationships as well.

Crazy people tend to suck up more of our energy than they deserve.

With fifty people in a room, I might have forty-nine who are tracking with me and one who just isn’t getting it. That one might be challenging what I’m saying simply because they want to disagree, not because they honestly have questions. It’s tempting to try to “rescue” them and bring them back on board. But if I spend time during the class trying to fix them, I’ll lose the rest of the class. I can’t rob the other participants in order to go after that one; I need to take time during a break to work with that individual privately.

Ask the head of any large nonprofit, and they’ll tell you the challenge they feel in leading an organization that is too large for them to connect with each person individually. They’ll speak to volunteers at conferences and be as available as possible. But they know time is limited; so they work with a group of leaders in the organization and equip them to meet the needs of the volunteers. Even among those leaders, they will have several key individuals they connect with on a deeper level, who in turn carry their passion into the organization.

The closer we are to someone, the more focus they deserve. The further we are from someone, the less focus they deserve.

There is one primary difference, though, between time and money. We can choose not to spend our money; we can save it, set it aside, or invest it. But we can’t do that with time. We’re going to spend every minute we have. Whatever we choose to spend it on, that’s the value it has for us. That also means we’re not spending it on anyone or anything else. Once it’s spent, it’s gone. That’s opportunity cost. We will spend every hour that we have. If we don’t determine where we’re going to spend it, then someone else will decide for us.

Normally, our choices determine our outcomes; but the outcomes are not guaranteed. The only things we have control over are the choices, not the results.

There are no guarantees. It might not get better. They might never change. The only way we can be drama-free in our relationships is to focus on us, not them. We’re the ones who can change.

What can we not change? Other people. What can we change? Ourselves. What do we do when the other person doesn’t change? Accept (the reality of the situation) and adapt (change the way we think and respond).

We can’t guarantee that we can fix them, but we can focus on how we respond to them. Sometimes that means confronting them, setting up boundaries, or taking steps to protect ourselves and our families emotionally and physically. Sometimes it will mean more contact, sometimes less.

He followed a three-step process to ensure the best outcome: Change the situation Change your attitude Change your environment

Blind loyalty on our part can actually keep healing from happening.

Strangely enough, we especially look for approval from the crazy people around us. They’re the last people we would want controlling our lives, but we’ve given away the power of our own choices and emotions to them.

Recognize the damage that perfectionism does in our lives.

Challenge your thinking.

Ask yourself “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Accept the value of making mistakes.

Go for 85 percent.

We’re going for an A in image, but getting a C in connection.

What if we went for an A in being ourselves? What if we focused our energy on becoming genuine?

In relationships, inertia means that nothing changes unless someone starts the process. Once that action is taken and there is some movement in the relationship, it takes a lot less action to keep it going. But if no action takes place, the relationship reverts back to where it started.

Working on relationships feels like trying to fix cancer; it’s been growing for a long time unnoticed, it often requires drastic measures, and the outcome is uncertain.

Since I had to work with her, I decided to overcome inertia. Even though I still considered her to be crazy, I began to relate to her as a whole person. I didn’t have to figure her out; I just needed to understand that there are reasons people become crazy and focus on how I would respond.

It’s futile to think of everything that could go wrong in the future. All we have is the current moment. Deal with one situation at a time. A single step isn’t wasted effort; it’s the beginning of a long journey in the right direction.

There’s nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

It’s dangerous to wish for the past or fantasize about the future. When it comes to relationships, all we have is today.

Learn to separate a person’s crazy behavior from the rest of who they are.

Recognize that change is always possible.

Don’t take responsibility for other people’s choices

Don’t put expectations on other people.

Remember that there are no guarantees.

Realize that you can’t change the past, but you can change how you respond to it.

Believe that there is hope for the future.

You don’t have to be a victim.

Change takes time

There is no reward without risk.

Preparation has great value.

Choose to respond instead of react.