People Can't Drive You Crazy If You Don't Give Them the Keys

by Mike Bechtle

The event isn’t really the problem; it’s our response to the event.

“Drama-free” doesn’t mean getting rid of the drama or the people who create it. It means being free from its debilitating effects in our lives.

We can’t overlook the impact of faith on our lives, either. I’ve found that my resources for solving relationship problems are limited, but trusting God to build character in my life is the greatest source of strength.

That’s the problem with our perspective; we always assume we’re right based on the information we have.

the place to begin is with our perspective. No matter what the other person does, it’s our perspective that determines how we feel and respond.

It’s unhealthy to be at the mercy of what someone does or doesn’t do. We can’t control the choices and attitudes of others. The only thing we really have control over is our own choices and attitudes. When we take responsibility for our own choices, we gain greater influence in other people’s lives. When we focus on things we can’t do anything about, we lose influence with others. We give away our joy and our sense of self to their weaknesses.

I had allowed my emotions to be controlled by the exact person I didn’t want controlling them. I had become his victim and he didn’t even know it.

Holding anger toward someone in that way is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Pick your battles; avoid arguing whenever possible. (Prov. 17:14)

Watch carefully what you say so you don’t get yourself in trouble. (Prov. 21:23)

find people of all ages whom you admire and want to be like, and hang out with them. What happens in those relationships? They’re not giving you formal instruction or walking you through a curriculum; they’re just being themselves while you watch them in different life situations. Without even realizing it, you’re learning how to handle those situations in your own life. They model effectiveness for you. They’re not forcing you to change; they’re influencing you. You become different by being around them.

The only way to motivate others is to go in front and provide an example, and they will often follow.

Influence means living a healthy emotional life in close proximity to others. It means that we intentionally put ourselves in relationships where we can be life on life with them. My friend Jim refers to it as “rubbing fur” with others. We don’t have to have an agenda; we just have to care enough to connect.

When relationships are unhealthy, they hurt. The reason they hurt is because we care. If we didn’t care, they wouldn’t hurt. That’s why people you care about the most can hurt you the most. A lot of people try to shut down their feelings in a painful relationship in order to protect themselves. That can be appropriate in some situations, but it eliminates the possibility of healing. Our feelings provide the fuel for working on a relationship. If we stop caring, we’ve given up on the relationship.

expectations rise the closer you are to someone.

We can’t force them to change, but we can influence them. There are no guarantees, however. If we count on them changing, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration. The healthy response is to: hope and pray that they change; accept the fact that they might not change; and avoid becoming victims while we influence their lives.

A reaction is how we feel; a response is what we do. Reactions are automatic, but we choose our responses.

How can we protect our integrity? Stay Close to the Healthy People in Our Lives We become like the people we spend the most time with. Some people make us better and stronger when we’re with them, and others drain us. Life dictates that we’ll have to spend time with both types of people. But our integrity will grow if we consciously plan time with the people who build into our lives.

Our integrity is a product of what we think. What we think will be determined by our inputs. The adage “Garbage in, garbage out” applies here.

Be Intentional in Our Relationships with Crazy People When we get “dumped on” by the crazy people in our lives, it’s important to take time out to keep it from eating away at our integrity. We need to wash the bird droppings off the hood. People can only mess up our lives if we give them permission, so it’s critical to do the regular maintenance to make sure we’re operating from a solid foundation.

“You might not be able to make the right decision. But once you make the decision, make it right.”

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”[15]

people have an emotional set point within any situation where the pain is more comfortable than the prospect of the unknown.

One of the most dangerous reasons to stay in a bad situation is trying to protect the crazy person. We make excuses for their behavior because we don’t want people to think badly of them or because they embarrass us. The problem is that when we protect them, we shield them from the negative consequences of their behavior. If they don’t have consequences, they never have an incentive to change. They might apologize and promise things will be different, but promises have to be backed up with performance. Blind loyalty on our part can actually keep healing from happening. Staying in a bad situation without any plan for change is like constantly putting air in a leaky tire without patching the hole.

In times of discouragement, we need people we trust to build into our lives. They provide the courage when we can’t provide it for ourselves.