It Will All Work Out: The Freedom of Letting Go

by Kevin Hart

The punishment of every disordered mind is its own disorder. —Saint Augustine of Hippo, Confessions

it means if you don’t have your shit together, it’s that very lack of togetherness that becomes your sentence to pain and suffering.

I thought I was wide awake, but I was still sleepwalking.

when you have to sit with the consequences of your actions, and you really don’t want to live with them, you almost have no choice but to gain a new perspective and become a different person.

these were monsters I’d given birth to. Actually, that’s a terrible image. Let me try that again. These were monsters I’d created. And then I’d let them run wild in my mind, like giant parasites. Feeding off certain kinds of negative emotions and thoughts, and dumb choices.

And I can promise you that you’ve got monsters in your life.

these monsters are mean—and hungry.

Once they’ve got you, they never want to let go. Because if they can’t control you, they can’t exist. And how they keep control is by keeping you asleep. By keeping you blind to what they’re doing.

these monsters cannot eat when you’re living right.

you’ve got a choice. To either stay asleep and let these creatures run the show. Or wake up, learn how to beat them, and take your power back.

But no matter what form your Control Monster ends up taking, they all serve the exact same purpose: to manage anxiety, and make sure you’re safe and successful.

Control is having power over a situation, yourself, or others, and being able to influence what goes down. To be “in control” is to be the one sitting in the driver’s seat, with your hands on the steering wheel. Moving toward or away from things as you see fit. If we call someone a controlling person, that usually means they’re somebody who never wants to let go of the wheel. They always want to be the driver. The one who determines the direction.

In the sneaky version of this monster, one of its key methods of control is avoidance. If certain situations or people make you feel anxious, you’ll steer clear of them. And for a lot of people, one of the biggest causes of anxiety we avoid is conflict.

It is obsessed with control because it’s trying to protect you. Any form of control is really just protection. And you get protective because you’re afraid. And you’re afraid because you don’t trust.

Usually the moment some element of your early life got out of control—that’s the moment the Control Monster was born.

to avoid getting blowback and the consequences that come with it, the best control strategy was to start walking on eggshells. You kept them and any situation from getting out of hand by shutting up and going with the flow.

I used to have all the controllers working at all times, trying to keep me safe.

That reinforced my decision to do everything by myself.

By never relying on people to support you, or never delegating to others and empowering them to be in a position to help, you start taking on way too much.

you’re burned out, and you’re surrounded by unfinished piles of half-assed results. You’ve gotten so obsessed with trying to make things good, on your own, that most of it ends up bad.

I also had to confront the judgmental side of this monster. That part of my mind that hung on to control because it didn’t believe that other people could operate on my level. Thinking if they weren’t like me, then they wouldn’t be good enough or capable enough.

spiritual messages are constantly thrown at us all.

It’s only when we trust each other, rely on each other, and give each other our best instead of saving it for ourselves that we can experience the full banquet of life.

Letting go frees up so much energy and thought power.

I need to recognize that my anxiety is my problem. And what I really need to be doing is to go directly to the problem and manage my anxiety on my own.

Stress is a limiter. The less we feel, the more we can take on.

if you want to train the monster is to give it something better to do. Let’s call this “positive control.”

But when you deal with those feelings, and tame the monster, you become someone who’s proactive and productive. You become a better communicator, manager, delegator, and collaborator.

And when you catch yourself wanting to avoid a challenge that might actually be good for you, you can stop and say, “Wow, I see I’m anxious about this. But I’mma be okay. I’m a grown-ass adult, and I can handle whatever comes my way. Even if I fail, I’ll learn something that will help me do it better next time.”

the long-term consequences outweigh the short-term payoff.

Self-awareness plus self-control equals the best possible life you could ever hope for.

The more you chase comfort, the more unhappy you become. Because happiness isn’t about being comfortable; it’s about growing and improving. And by nature, growing is not comfortable.

One of the biggest secrets to this game is that there’s nothing else waiting for you at the end of it. It’s all about the happiness you make during each play, during each match, and on the way to the goals you’re fighting to reach.

Happiness is what happens not just every time you conquer an obstacle but every time the obstacle temporarily conquers you, and you struggle to get back on your feet.

But true success is still being happy when they’re not, knowing that eventually, you will prevail, because you’re the one writing the rules of this game.